So it's exam time, and you've spent a little too much time drinking and playing Mario Kart to study. What you need is some more time or, if possible, a way to circumvent exams altogether. Well it's your lucky day, you lazy bastard you, because I've painstakingly compiled a list of all the best ways to do this. Better yet, I've gone through and organized it so picking the best method for you will be easier than hitting the shortcut in Frappe Snowland. Enjoy.
1. Fake a Relative's Death
Needs: Computer, Photoshop, Lack of Conscience
How To Do It: 1. Pick a relative you don't like- maybe the aunt who always "leaves" your Christmas present at home.
2. Write an obituary for the relative and send it to a little known paper (e.g.-East Newark Star-Ledger Tribune).
3. E-mail professor saying you'll be out of town all week at the funeral (Important- make sure to link to the obituary and include plenty of crying face emoticons).
Benefits: Open up to a girl about your recently deceased, but beloved, aunt. Enjoy subsequent hot, tear-soaked sex.
Drawbacks: Black hole where your heart used to be.
2. Break Leg
Needs: Sledgehammer, friend
How To Do It: 1. Give friend sledgehammer.
2. Have said friend find a karate master who will break your leg in exchange for a new sledgehammer.
3. Have karate master break leg.
4. Go to hospital.
Benefits: Chicks dig casts; actually nets you a legitimate doctor's note.
Drawbacks: Pain- incredible, crippling pain. Also, people making "break a leg" jokes.
3a/3b. Don't Take Them
3a- The Sleep-in Method
Needs: Badassness, Disregard for collegiate success, Sunglasses, Leather Jacket, Cigarette (real or candy), oh-so-perfectly windswept hair
How To Do It: 1. Don't study.
3. Continue sleeping.
4. Wake up, tell friends about how you don't work for the man.
Benefits: Even if you get an F in the class, the Fonz still gives you an Ayyyyyy.
Drawbacks: Will soon be replaced by Scott Baio.
3b- The Death Method
Needs: Bus ticket to Little Italy, middlemen who don't do diddily, Big Pun
How To Do It: 1. Take the bus to Little Italy.
2. Meet up with said middlemen.
3. Wait for Terror Squad.
Benefits: You died straight thuggin'. Also, friends can now use method 1. Way to take one for the team, bud.
Drawbacks: Potential copyright infringement?
And there you have it. What’s that I hear in the distance? A C-? You’re welcome.