With Hollywood writers on strike, at least we can be thankful for one thing: Awful reality television! That’s right, it’s time, once again, for Kid Nation!
Folks, the residents of Bonanza City are facing a serious crisis. It’s one that every kid has had to face now and again, but with no television, computer, or hilarious humor website to waste time, these kids are in are dire need of a solution to their problem. What problem, you ask? The kids of Bonanza City are bored.
So, with the kids crippled by lack of entertainment, DK takes control and calls his own meeting. It doesn’t really establish anything, just that everyone is bored like him. But it does prompt The Council to go into action. Which, if past weeks are any indication, can only mean some half assed solution that looks like it was executed by 10 years-olds. Only in this case, it actually is performed by kids who are 10.
Laurel says that people are fed up with Bonanza City and that they’re “So done with it.” You mean sitting in a desert for 40 days isn’t awesome?
The producers quickly have the journal reflect what was said a couple of hours ago. It suggests that the pioneers have a talent show. I guess we’re supposed to believe that pioneers of 1850 had a lot of trouble with boredom. Personally, I’m more likely to think they had more trouble fighting wars with Native Americans or trying not to get Yellow Fever…but I’m sure being bored was a close third.
Can these kids really not come up with anything to do on their own? I mean entertaining yourself is so easy! I mean, you know what I do to kill time? Well, it’s a uh…well…solo activity. But that raises an interesting question. Without a doubt, certain male cast members (Greg) are more advanced than their younger counterparts. So, does that mean that off camera they talk about sex and stuff? I can see it now…
Greg: Don’t you guys miss Blowjobs?
Jared: What’s a blowjob?
Greg: Well, my sister used to sell them, but let me show you.
Greg: TAYLOR, come here…
Also, how could the town be so damn bored? Didn’t they just buy a million toys last week?!?
Either way, they decide to go ahead with a talent show.
This is totally unrelated, but, this one kid, Markelle, looks like he just broke his dick! I don’t know if they showed that clip for humor or if it’s going to come out later that he has some major ball contusion, but regardless, it was awesome. Truly hilarious. He jumping around and did some type of split that just looked extremely painful.
Olivia signs up for the show by writing “stand up comedy (duh…)” DUH? What?!? Where did this come from? Duh?!? I would have only said “duh” if she wrote down “Praise Jesus” or “Be kind of a bitch.”
Kennedy, who I don’t think we’ve ever met, claims that her act is to basically look like an idiot. She has braces, but I don’t really want to make fun of those…I mean everyone has had ‘em. They’re only really creepy when they’re on people over 40. I mean how fucked up is that? Once you’re in the demographic that The View is reaching out to, just give it up.
Here’s a joke I wrote for Olivia: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because I suck!
I think Blaine just took a piss behind the bar. Like, seriously. He really just peed in The Saloon. That’s reason number #2343 why kids shouldn’t run their own town.
The two girls doing the cooking decide to make a Kentucky style dinner because they’re both from Kentucky. I tried to come up with some good Kentucky jokes, but there weren’t too many out there that weren’t A) extremely racist or B) about inbreeding. SO, instead, I’ll say this: Savannah, one of the girls that cooked the meal, looked a lot like Drew Carey.
Greg and Blaine threaten to throw the competition because the girls on their team aren’t working. This scares the girls, but not enough to do actual work. They’ll make great wives someday.
This week’s challenge involves a paint by numbers horse, but instead of filling it in with paint, the kids have to use bubblegum and then it stick on a drawing. Well, um, at least they chose the toothbrushes in that challenge a couple of weeks ago.
This is a terrible. In fact, it’s fucking gross. The kids are chewing gum and spitting it into the council leaders hands, who in turn, put it up on the horse drawings.
JESUS H. CHRIST! Did anyone see Campbell’s lips? They’re worse than Laurel’s! The group I was watching this with let out an audible gasp when we saw them. Edit: I think maybe he was just eating powdered donuts, but God…actually, where the hell did he get powdered donuts?
But back to the challenge…
I’m sure that no sickness is being spread by this, so that’s good.
AND THE GREEN TEAM IS FINALLY UPPER CLASS! Wow, it was like the Lake Placid Olympics there for a minute.
Standings: Upper Class – Green, Merchants – Blue, Cooks – Red, and Laborers – Yellow.
Sadly, it the challenge wasn’t completed in under 60 minutes so the kids didn’t get a reward. They missed out on either A) Some paint to color the town with or B) an all night block party. Oh well.
And it’s time for the talent show! And that means it’s time for our man, Jared! I haven’t mentioned him much yet, but know this: This episode featured a healthy dose of Jared…which was really the only thing that kept it from being one of the worst episodes. Streeter said it to me best, this kid is comedy gold! Anyway, Jared reads a monologue from Shakespeare’s “Henry V” and sums up his performance by saying, “At least, I wasn’t the worst.” Reach for the stars, kid. Either way, he’s got the gold star in my eyes.
Other kid performances included Olivia’s stand-up, people playing piano, and Greg and Blaine dressed up in drag performing Romeo and Juliet or something. I’m sure someone also played “Heart and Soul” or something like that. Kennedy also performed which was extremely annoying to me. Apparently her performance was so moving to one girl (Savannah?) that she decided to stay in Bonanza City. Regardless, she’s one Kennedy I wouldn’t mind if somebody shot.
Anyway, the show ends and it’s time for the town meeting. At the meeting, Host Guy asks if anyone has any talents they didn’t share at the talent show. The kids all convince Laurel to sing…AND SHE’S AWESOME! I’m not even kidding, compared to the other kid performers, she was like Christina Aguilera.
Host Guy asks if anyone wants to go home (no one does) and then The Council awards the gold star to Kennedy for her ability to be a nice person or some crap like that. Kennedy then proceeds to give the speech given by every unpopular kid ever running for Student Council President. She tells us that it’s not all about being popular or cool or whatever…blah, I stopped listening. She then called her Mom who while wearing a pink track suit with pink ribbons in her hair and talking on a pink Razr called Kennedy “baby” roughly 50 million times.
And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode of Kid Nation. See you next week!
JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP! WE HAVE OVER 1,000 MEMBERS!