The new Mac OS X came out a couple of days ago. I knew because the main color of Apple's website changed from white to black, which means a total makeover was in order. It sure looked like it, I mean, the graphic of a big, glossy black X coming out of the cosmos makes it seem like Christ Himself was the lead developer of this shit. But no, it's just another yearly OS update by Apple, code named something flashy and hip because Apple's all about being flashy and hip to other people who "Think Different". Let me tell you something, idiots. Upgrading your operating system from Version 10.4 to Version 10.5 with such innovations as a new wallpaper (seriously, Steve Jobs highlighted this at his keynote) hardly warrants this thing being hailed as the Second Coming. But for Apple's benefit, I'm going to go through a few of the "new" features and belittle them, one by one.

  • Time Machine: This is a backup utility with a couple fancy things like Search thrown in to make people think it's an innovative concept. HOLY SHIT, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING THROUGH SPACE!!!1 Get over the graphics, dipshits. Backups have been around since they realized cassettes failed every once in a while back in the 1980s.
  • Spaces: Just a Virtual Desktop program. They've been around for years, making it easier for people to hide their porn from their bosses by switching to a clean desktop. Too bad all their activity was documented and that's why Wayne from Accounting is ranting on IRC now about how he was fired because his boss didn't appreciate him. I'm seeing some logic here on Apple's part: take an existing program, give it a new and attractive name, and flaunt it as your own creation. See? Innovation is easy!
  • iChat: Every year they give this thing some stupid new add-ons that nobody will care about after the first week because, once again, they're just eye candy with limited real functionality or creativity on Apple's part. I quote from Apple's site: "Transform your video chats using new Photo Booth effects. Add kapow! to a chat with the comic book effect. Get twisted with twirl." Oh, God, I have a hard-on. Let's justify paying $1500 for a computer we can't upgrade by talking to other people and making our faces stretched and / or artistically black and white! Thanks, Steve Jobs, for adding new ways for 14-year-old girls to alter photos of themselves with the computers in the Apple store because Mom and Dad wouldn't buy a Mac, those bastards.
  • Boot Camp: "Please, Windows users? Buy an expensive computer with a new and unfamiliar operating system because now you can run Windows on it too! Doesn't that make you feel better?" I don't entirely get the logic of this program. Mac fanboys hate it because they hate Microsoft, and Windows users don't care because they can buy a different computer and not have to install Windows on it (thus saving around $300).
  • Safari: You know, it's telling when one of the highlights of a new operating system is a slightly-improved browser. They actually recently made this program available to Windows users in case they were tired of IE, Firefox, Opera, etc. and wanted the cool brushed-metal look stick out like a sore thumb against the Fischer Price-esque theme of Windows. Worked with iTunes, I guess, but who really needs another browser?
  • Quick Look: This lets you see the contents of a file without opening it. Since this gives me a new and more efficient way of watching porn, I thought it was a really cool and innovative idea (I give credit where it's due), and was going to give this a thumbs-up, but Apple, in their charmingly elitist way, ruined it by saying "Opening files is so 2006". Way to cater once again to the teenage suburban demographic, shitwads. "OMG Apple is like so cool cuz they're not Microsoft and their stores have no dress code, you can tell because they all wear jeans like the people in Hollister LOL"

In addition to parroting the "innovations" of the computer company that reflects their own intolerable elitism, Apple fanboys like to chatter endlessly about how supposedly cheap OS X is compared to Vista. OK, $129 for 10.5 versus $240 for Home Premium. What they don't tell you is that the $129 OS X is for the upgrade, while the $240 is for a full DVD. A Home Premium upgrade actually costs $160. Not only that, but how long has it been since XP came out (the last time you paid for an upgrade to the Windows operating system)? XP came out in 2001, Vista in 2006. That's five years, a total upgrade cost of $160. For Apple users, when XP came out, they were at OS X 10.1. They've had four upgrades since then, each at a cost of $129. That's a grand total of $516 to upgrade every year. QED, bitches.

Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go play some computer games. Maybe you Mac fanboys would like to join me in a game of CounterStrike, unless the cost of your $1500 computer plus the extra $300 you paid for a copy of XP are forcing you to work overtime at the Starbucks. Whatever. You have a Mac, and that makes you unique and different, right?

Right?