Judge: "You are charged with masturbating to Saved by the Bell. How do you plead?"

Defendant: "Your honor, in my defense, Saved by the Bell was merely playing on the television in the same room while I happened to be masturbating. I didn't turn it off because I like it, okay?!"

Judge: "So…guilty or not guilty?"

Defendant: "Is there something in the middle or something?"

Spectator:(stands up) "Free this man!"

Other spectators cheer.

Judge: "Order, order!" (banging gavel) "This is a fucking courtroom!"


Prosecutor: "Your honor, babes and gentlemen of the jury, if you please give me your attention for just a few minutes, I will blow your fucking mind with my smarts. Mmm, Smarties. Those are kind of good candies. Well, I guess there's better out there, but I digress. Digress, what a stupid word, right? Anywho, isn't watching Saved by the Bell a crime by itself? Then surely masturbating to Saved by the Bell is a double-felony only punishable by life in prison!"

Defendant's Lawyer: "Your honor, I would like to speak for a minute…Is this not America? Can we not masturbate wherever we please? In the park, on the courtroom steps before a trial, while watching little children play at recess. Are these not all accepted places to masturbate? I shall answer my own question. They are, your honor."

Jury: We the Jury find the defendant guilty of the crime of masturbating to Saved by the Ball. As in the precedent case of having sex while Full House was on, I believe it was The State v. Bob Saget, we sentence the defendant to watch every single episode of the show ever. And it will be at his own cost to purchase the complete season DVD's of Saved by the Bell."

Judge: "Justice has been served."