Oh, Nip/Tuck! You just keep getting better and better!

In the first couple minutes of the show, Sean and Kate are in a hot tub making out, and Kate's all, "Hey, brb," and Sean's all, "I said suck my dick, bitch!" and pushes her back into a sitting position, whereupon this happens (in case you don't feel like clicking on the link, she diarrheas all over the place). Kate is duly embarrassed, and admits to Sean that she's been feeling badly about herself lately (even though she JUST had plastic surgery), so she ate a lot of food, and then because she couldn't throw it up for some reason (bullshit, you can always throw it up), she took laxatives instead. Whatever, cry me a river. Then she gives Sean a blowjob, obvi.

The titular character this week, Everett Poe, is so inconsequential that I would wonder why he was even on the show, if not for the symbolism. Everett has had, like, 18,000 procedures over the years, but he needs just one more (a cleft in his chin) so that he can be perfectly symmetrical. He looks sort of like a cat, but not a cute one. A cat that has a mullet. Also, this is weird: we never see old E.P. post-surgery, so it doesn't really matter what his new chin looks like, but editing still blurs out his chin and lower lip area during this scene. It makes his faces look that much more busted, plus it's unnecessary and very strange. Anyway, he owns a salon and is also super gay, of course.

Christian finds out about Ms. Poopypants and calls her The Shitter, which is not a very clever nickname, but an appropriate one nonetheless. Sean threatens to tell on Christian if he doesn't stop with the name-calling, and Christian scoffs and refuses to lose weight, despite all my emails to his assistant.

Julia and Olivia are having lunch with Liz outside somewhere, both wearing black, because they've resigned themselves to a life of infertility and evil by eating each other's pussies, which is going against the will of the Lord our God. Julia is clearly uncomfortable every time Olivia touches her, which Liz notices, and which is ridiculous, because if I was anywhere near Portia diRossi, I would be like, "Never take your hands off of me, that everyone might think you are mine and mine alone." She's gorgeous.

Julia is all, "Heh heh, Olivia says I need to get used to PDAs, which are Public… Displays… of…" And Liz is like, "Affection. I know. Thanks, Urban Dictionary Correspondent." Olivia then Proves She is a Lesbian by spitting some shit about how Liz is beautiful and successful and should have found herself a woman by now. If the history of this show has taught us one thing, it's that Liz is not attractive to anyone except Alanis Morissette and kidney thieves, and even then only for a short while. Poor Liz. J & O leave to explore each others' vulva in the precious moments while the kids are away, somewhere, unsupervised.

Speaking of kids… a girl in a school uniform is sitting in Sean's office. She's all, "I'm a sexpot," and Sean's all, "I'm a professional. With a boner." Long story short, she wants him to repair her hymen, which she broke while riding her horse. Short story longer, Sean has a boner. Other stories: her name is Eden, her face reminds me of one of those fish that live at the bottom of the ocean and probably eat baby seals or something equally as nefarious, and she claims to have a lot of anal sex. Also Sean refuses to do the surgery without parental consent. Also he has a boner.

Later on at the pool, Annie (hey, haven't seen much of her lately! With good reason) complains to Sean about how she doesn't like to live with Julia because of all the screaming during sex and they don't get the Disney channel on cable, and it's making her into one of the worst actresses ever in the history of 13-year-old girls. Across the pool, Eden gets out (wearing a white bathing suit, because she's actually pure) and shakes herself off (Sean gets a boner) and then comes over to tell Annie she's fat. Sean's like, "WTF?" and Annie's like, "That's Olivia's daughter." Of COURSE she is.

Sean rushes immediately to Olivia's hotel (I guess? It's like 8 rooms) to scold Eden for calling his precious baby angel fat, and Olivia scolds Sean for calling her pseudo-sexy daughter a bitch, and Julia scolds Sean for still being alive and whatever. There is a very weird scene in which Eden describes how she broke her hymen -again, on a black horse named Charles- in the sexiest way possible, and it's just like… Sean is clearly hot and bothered by it, but Olivia is Eden's mom, and instead of smacking her across the mouth and being like, "Use your real voice and speech pattern, you wannabe harlot," she's like, "Sean, I'm a lesbian. Don't talk down to women. Also fix my daughter's hymen." It's an odd reaction from someone who seems to be pretty smart, unless she's just used to (and sick of) Eden's bullshit by now.

Also at some point Liz mentioned to Christian how Julia is just bi-curious, and Christian decided that it would be a good idea to go over to Julia's place and try to rape her. She fends off his advances.

Then Matt comes to L.A.! Fucking right! I missed Matt so much! He's the handsomest guy in the world. J/k, j/k. I hate Matt. Everyone does. Apparently Kimber got all crazy Scientologist on his ass, so he took Baby Jenna (Jameson) and moved out. However, Kimber gave all 250k of Sean's present money to the church, so Matt is broke. Luckily, His Two Dads set him up with some cash and an apartment. Well, Christian does, anyway. Sean is pissed because he thinks about Eden while he has sex with his shit-factory of a girlfriend. The whole thing is cute because Annie has two moms now and Matt has two dads (still). Oh, Nip/Tuck. Where you and Degrassi not go?

Sean repairs Eden's hymen, I guess, and afterwards she gets all creepy sexual while he's doing a follow-up checkup. Like, she's rubbing her clitoris while he's checking her. This girl is the saddest cry for attention I've ever seen. Why doesn't she just go fall in love with a tranny or a white supremacist or something useful? Also, Sean's like, "I never want to see you again, except in my wet dreams."

Christian is standing on the beach, alone, looking at the water (as you do), and Julia comes up to him in a red dress (because she's horny), and they start to slow-dance/sex montage. I wasn't sure if the sex was for real or just Christian's imagination until afterward, when he's talking about their future together and Julia explains that she only had sex with him to "get him out of her system." The look on Christian's face is so sad and incredulous that I almost feel bad shouting, "SICK BURN!" like 25 times.

Matt gets more money from Sean. He then returns to his messy (in a clothes-all-over-the-place kind of way) apartment with Jenna (Jameson) and a $300 baggie of meth, which he and Kimber smoke and then have sex. With their clothes still on. Also Kimber looks a hot mess. Girl needs some under-eye concealer, and fast.

Aaaan Christian becomes a gigolo when a case of mistaken identities leads to stupid weather metaphors and the exchange of thousands of dollars in cash. Two things: 1) The real gigolo looks a lot like Oscar from The Office and 2) I hope he gives that money straight to Matt so that Matt can buy more meth and ward off the aliens that have taken over the faculty at the boarding school that Eden and Annie will soon be attending together.

All in all, I'd say this episode was Season 3 in quality. Maybe even late Season 2. There was still a conspicuous lack of gory surgery and naked sex, but hopefully that will be rectified in the near future, when Eden inevitably gives Annie her first orgasm/has anal sex with a horse in a desperate cry for Olivia's attention.