In an attempt to find out what today's youth is talking about, I spent a week at my old high school, posing undercover as a typical teenage student. Strangely, I found it more difficult to communicate with my "peers" than I had anticipated.

Monday
Yo guys, how whacked was Mr. Dabrowski's physics exam? Most un-excellent! Did you see the way he used the Neils Bohr atomic model on question 3? I was thinking, Um, Professor? 1920 called: They want their knowledge of quantum mechanics back! What an utter butthead! Probably a Yale man.

Tuesday
Ugh! Not meat loaf for lunch again! Excuse me while I upchuck into my knapsack. Hey, who wants to take bets how on much sodium benzoate is in that gravy? Why don't they just replace the mashed potatoes with a $10 thousand invoice for my quadruple bypass? And don't get me started on the carb' count in that peach cobbler.

Wednesday
So last night I'm all set to go and see a Matrix movie, when all of a sudden my mom exclaimed, "It's far too violent, son!" I was all, "Aw hells no, mother." If our parents are worried about bad movies, they should tell us to steer clear of everything Woody Allen's directed since Crimes and Misdemeanors!

Thursday
Excuse me, Coach? I know you were just screaming at all of us to line up for flag football, but my personal trainer at Planet Fitness, Traci, usually has me do cardio on Thursdays. So what I was thinking is that I'd do a few laps, have a quick smoothie to up the blood sugar, and then hit the steam room. Also, those three young gentlemen smoking cigarettes by the bleachers have been shouting pretty offensive homosexual slurs at me all morning. Are you sure they're members here?

Friday
TGIF, hombres! Whew! I thought this week would never end. I'm ready to get cra-zy! You know what I'm talking about: 5-dollar nachos and sports trivia at Applebee's. Awww yeah! So who's down? Wait! Where are you all going? Please come back. We'll go to the discotec tonight. I'll just call Jeanine and tell her I'm staying out. It's cool. Our relationship is based on trust!