Episode #2.9

So last episode, we saw the following: Deb and Lundy officially getting together, Doakes finding Dexter’s blood slides, and Lila continuing to be so crazy that her eratic behavior finally outweighed the sex and Dex “quit his program.”

As for this episode… HolycrapthiswasanintensehourofDexter! Inordertorecreate thesuspenseofwatchingit, I’mnotgoingtouseanyspacesforthisentirearticle!

Oh man. Totally had you.

How romantic was the beginning of this episode when Dexter slept outside to keep an eye on Rita and the kids? I bet every single female right then asked their boyfriends “Aww Muffin, why can’t YOU do that!/strong>” Just kidding; no girls watch this show.

I don’t get why Dexter keeps apologizing to Rita about sleeping with someone else after she dumped him. They were on a break!! (Last Friends reference, I swear.)

[cue Opening Credits with Dexter, Rita, Angel, LaGuerta, Doakes, and Lundy hanging out on a couch & playfully jumping in a fountain with umbrellas to The Rembrandts’ “I’ll Be There For You.”]

Starting… now.

Anyway, how awesome is Doakes’ voicemail? The man even sounds pissed via telecommunication. I wonder what kind of away message he would have. /strong>

It was nice to see all of us viewers finally get what we had been asking for: an after-sex scene with Deb and Lundy. Right when we thought it could not possibly get any worse. Words cannot explain
seeing wrinkly old man ass on a Sunday night. The only way this scene could have been tolerable is if:

  • they were wearing sweaters
  • Doakes, who happened to be curbing orphans outside their window, came in and served them breakfast in bed

That cackling whore, Lila, shows up again and ends up going drinking with the boys. Dexter understandably doesn’t appreciate this as she has some, although little, knowledge of Dexter’s dark side.

Poor Angel is so desperate to get it on with Lila that he admittedly doesn’t care what Dexter thinks. Angel should know that nothing positive ever comes from the fat, pathetic supporting role banging the hottest girl on a show. Nothing. Why do sex scenes in this show always involve the most disgusting people?

Just as Dexter realized that his blood slides are missing, the police arrive at his door and escort him into the station. It appears that he might be getting arrested! Jay kay, they just tell him that Sgt. Doakes is now the prime suspect and they want Dexter to analyze his own trophies and see what he can make of them. Oh and remember the "my father was a butcher" reference last episode? Man, I so called that.

Someone please explain the phone conversation Dex and Rita had while the police were taking Dex home. “I still have feelings for you”? Between that and when he sneaks out of his apartment through a window is just more clear evidence that one of the Dexter writers is a 12 year-old.

Dexter remembers that he didn’t finish chopping up Juminez last week (which in Dexter time was only a day) and goes back to find none other than Sgt. James Doakes with his gun drawn.

It is then that Doakes confirms his long-held suspicions of Dexter being a serial killer. As they confront each other on the dock, Dexter gets shot in the leg before Doakes has the consciousness choked from him.

We conclude the episode with Doakes confined to a cage in the middle of the Everglades. I’m not totally sure why a drug dealer had a cage in his home, but that doesn’t concern me right now.

Where does the show go from here? A lot of people predicted what happened tonight, but probably didn't expect it to happen so soon with three episodes still left in the season. Will Dexter kill Doakes? While Doakes might be a huge douchebag, he doesn’t fall under the category of Dexter’s victims. But like they stressed tonight: Dexter’s first priority is to keep from getting caught.

And finally, Monday is my birthday. Both e-cards or e-twenty dollar bills are welcome.

The end. ****

* Answer: Because you call us “Muffin”
** Auto response from SgtJimmy3: WHAT DO YOU WANT, MOTHERFUCKER? >: (
* (with the exception of these words of course)
** Sorry for all the footnotes