Dear Nip/Tuck,
Here is my Christmas List: 1) More abundant and gory surgeries. 2) Sex that is not with fat white ladies. 3) Less footage of Sean's ass. 4) Xanax with two free refills.
I have a feeling I'm not going to get any of those, but here's hoping.

Jai Rodriguez (whom you may recognize as the "culture" expert from Queer Eye) is Eden's BGF Chaz Darling, and his left nipple is the size of a hubcap. Although I'm going to guesstimate* that this surgery would only cost about a grand or so, Eden demands that Christian do it for free, or she'll tell Sean that he slept with Julia. How does she know that he slept with Julia? She has a camera installed in her mother's bedroom. That's gross for several reasons (Julia being the primary one), but we don't find out until later anyway, so let's just pretend that it's because lesbians are extra-loud when they talk. Naturally, Christian has to do the surgery. Unnaturally, Jai Rodriguez is from Jersey, judging by his accent.

*Fact: spell check is totally fine with guesstimate being a real word, which is weird, because I'm not sure that I am.

Olivia is all, "Eden, why are you such a skanky ho who also uses blackmail to get free nipple surgeries for her gay BFF?" and Eden is like, "I'm 18, and even thought I live in your house instead of at boarding school, where I also have a bedroom, I do what I want!" and Olivia is like, "Gah!" and Eden is like, "Dump Julia," and Olivia is like, "Why? Are you jealous (of my gorgeous hair)?" and Eden is like, "She's not even gay! How can you be with someone who's living a lie?" Which is the secondary Theme! for tonight's episode. The primary one is Secrets, and I guess they're pretty much the same thing normally, but in this context they're just different enough that I'm separating them. (The tertiary theme is Feeling Empty Inside and Filling That Void with Drugs or Sex. Wait for it.)

Julia and Christian consider maybe telling Sean themselves about their tryst (which is a vocabulary word from 40 Days and 40 Nights), Julia arguing that Sean has a new fiancee and probably doesn't even care about her anymore. Christian sums up the whole series in one sentence, reminding Julia that it's not about her, it's about his relationship with Sean. True dat. Sean loves Christian a lot more than he loves Julia, and it would be worse to be betrayed by his best friend than for Julia to have sex with another person who isn't him. Eden is all, "Sucks to be you guys!"

Sucks to be Sean, too, since he still has to have sex with Kate, who still refuses to disrobe during intercourse. WTF. It's pretty clear that Sean is thinking about Eden while he's slowly thrusting, and Kate flips him onto his back and finishes him off (with more slow thrusts) and then demands, "What's she look like?" Sean is all, "Whaa?" but I would have said, "She looks like she isn't wearing a shirt." Kate stresses the importance of not having Secrets in their relationship, so Sean fesses up to a fantasy about a school girl who is such a "bad little whore" that he has to spank her. For real, Sean's fantasy is pretty boring, but Kate still looks like she might vomit. Or diarrhea all over his hot tub.

Matt and Kimber are still riding the meth train. I have to say, as much as I hate Matt and any time I have to see him on screen, the good thing about the meth-smoking scenes is that they have a sick soundtrack. After smoking up a little bit, he hears the baby crying, and when he goes over to her crib she's just laying there, and I was really hoping (probably way more than I should have been) that Nip/Tuck was going to go all Trainspotting on that baby. To my chagrin, it did not. Yet. Kimber is smoking some imaginary meth and tells Matt about some Oprah book-of-the-month she read about visualizing things and making them appear, because the universe and your deepest desires are apparently magnets with opposite poles. As if to prove her point, their dealer shows up just then, because I guess Kimber was wanting some meth. Isn't Kimber always wanting meth? Isn't she addicted to it?

They are po' and have no money (nor problems… j/k they have a lot of problems), so Kimber offers the dealer anal sex in exchange for meth. Matt ushers him out politely and then insists that Kimber is worth "so much more" than whatever a rock of meth costs. Two points: 1) the soundtrack provided us with a smacking sound when Matt grabbed Kimber's wrists, which was an interesting editing choice, and 2) Kimber used to have sex all the time, sometimes for money, sometimes for free plastic surgery, so I'm sure her ass is pretty stretched out and only worth about $15. Just saying. Pick your battles.

A song about Secrets plays as Sean gets off the elevator in the clinic, to find Eden standing there looking all 1994 and smug and calling him Daddy. I dunno, you guys. I know you think Eden's hot, but I'd respect her a lot more if she were either actually beautiful or not using sex as her primary method of manipulation. Sean busts into the nipple surgery and is all, "Christian! Why are you doing this surgery? This guy was like the Planeteer Heart version of a Queen Eye! He's not worth it!" and Christian is like, "You don't know I had sex with Julia, right?" and Sean is like, "Of course not, but you better not have had sex with Eden, or I will hate you forever!" and Christian is like, "Okay, coo." Then Sean storms off, because with all the Secrets in the room, it was getting kind of crowded.

Luckily they have a new client, a good-looking black man who got mauled by a tiger and needs the scratch marks removed. Actually it wasn't a tiger, it was a middle-aged white lady. Who was married. And apparently had scissors for hands. He runs a swingers' club, which intrigues Sean, because Sean hates having sex with his fiancee and is literally looking for any excuse to fantasize about someone else. The long and the short of this character's arc is that his scratch marks get fixed (in another boring surgery) and he invites Sean over for some group sex.

Sean returns home to Kate's house, where she is dressed like Britney Spears in the "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" video, and they have sex all over the house, and I have to look at Sean's ass a lot, and it's stupid. Then after sex they eat sandwiches, and Kate guzzles mayonnaise from the squeeze tube, and she reveals that sex with a black guy is a fantasy of hers, and that she'd like to go to the swingers' club's next get-together. Sean is like, "You don't think that's disgusting?" and she's like, "I just ate six cups of mayonnaise. What do you think?"

Meanwhile, Matt and Kimber go to a porn studio so Kimber can earn some meth money in a way that is not having sex. Oh wait… The studio guy won't hire her because she looks like hell, but he offers Matt a role as a bottom in a gay porn video for $5k. Matt appears to not consider it, but Jai Rodriguez was in this episode, so we'll see what happens. Kimber explains that she turned to meth to lose the baby weight (weight loss is the impetus for at least two poor decisions in this episode), but then she kept doing it so that it would fill the empty void in her life that she had previously filled with sex and plastic surgery and Scientology. The porn guys is just like, "Not really that important to me. Stop neglecting your baby."

Eden shows up with straight hair in a red dress to get Jai's opinion. He tells her that she needs to lose a few inches off her waist before she'll be skinny enough for anyone to like her, so she tries to make Christian give her lipo right then and there. Her blackmail evidence this time is a video of Olivia administering cunnilingus to Julia, in which Julia mentions how much better Olivia is than Christian. I mean, I'm just saying, even if my mom was Portia diRossi, I still wouldn't want to watch her have sex. That's gross. Eden has boundary issues. Anyway, it looks like Christian has to give Eden lipo. Wah wah wahhhhh.

AND it looks like Kimber is tearing up the carpet in their apartment to find quarters for more meth. There is no baby formula for Jenna, because Kimber has smoked all their money, so Matt decides that he'll have to take one up the ass for the team. Just before he gets rammed in the hiney by an oiled-up homosexual gentleman, Kimber rushes into the porn studio and stops him. A dick might fill one gaping hole in Matt, but it won't be the hole in his soul.

Christian offers to help Eden fill the gaping hole in her self esteem by giving her diet pills, Xanax, and percocet (I think? I think it was an anti-depressant. I'm really not so good with the scrip names) instead of lipo. She gleefully agrees and calls him Dr. Feelgood. Until she has a brown bag over her head, she'll really never know how appropriate that nickname is.

Matt returns home to a clean apartment and finds the cupboards full of baby formula. Like, 300 containers of baby formula, because Kimber found $100 under the magical carpet in their apartment. Plus she scored some meth! By boning the dealer! As Matt smokes and Kimber removes her shirt, he looks sort of sad, but I think he's secretly happy to not have to be the one who takes it in the ass.

Sean and Kate show up for the swingers' party, which is basically just a bunch of shirtless black dudes groping a bunch of pasty, chubby white ladies in lingerie in a really nice house. Sean seems about ready to puke at every turn, and I don't really blame him, because that place must constantly smell like sex. Kate seems intrigued. They find a room full of stuffed animals where they can be alone and away from all the sex-having freaky people, but a dude and his wife and some black guy barge in and the black guy starts fucking the white lady on the bed, and Sean cries like a xenophobic elderly woman whose son just died of lymphoma, while Kate seriously considers whether she will have sex with the black guy next. Sean demands that they leave.

Eden's leaving, too, because Christian called Julia and Olivia and told them that Eden stole drugs from the office! They're sending her to rehab for being a "drug addict." This is a lot of bullshit, right here. Now, don't get me wrong. What Christian did was pretty cool, and obviously calculated, and it's not like Eden doesn't deserve this comeuppance. But in light of the fact that he's giving money to Matt to pay for his meth habit (of which he's unaware, but I'm just saying, for the sake of contrast), no one should be pretending that diet pills and Xanax and anti-depressants are serious enough drugs to be concerned about. Plus we, the audience, know that Eden does coke. I realize that in order to make Christian look awesome and righteous, they had to only pin her with the drugs that he gave her, but it seems to me that if they were looking through her drawers to find those drugs, they'd have found her coke, too. Just saying. Unless she wisely keeps that in her bedroom at boarding school, which is where she should be living, anyway, because it's November. Anyway, she's carted away, she makes threats, Olivia is weeping uncontrollably, blah blah blah.

Sean and Kate get home and they engage in a shouting match. Supposedly, it's about all their Secrets, which they reveal to each other, but really it's about Sean's virgin/whore complex, and how he can't handle recognizing a woman he respects and cares about as a sexual being, and about how Kate can't -and shouldn't have to- deal with that. Also, Kate refuses to take her shirt off during sex. Also, they broke up.

Christian gets home to find Sean (but not Wilbur. Not any Wilbur anywhere) on his balcony, drinking scotch. Sean reveals the Secret that he is still in love with Julia, and Christian is like, "Fuck me." But not in a gay way. In an "uh-oh, now he's going to be extra super upset with me" way.

Not as good as last week's episode, and I fear that it will only degenerate from here. Firstly, because if Sean is in love with Julia, and he broke up with Kate, and Julia eventually has to own up to the fact that she's not a lesbian, there are going to be a lot of scenes featuring Julia looking annoyed/troubled/cunty in the near future. Secondly, even though I don't appreciate Eden, she was sort of the glue that held this season together. And thirdly, next week is a fake Nip/Tuck reality show. Even though New York will be on it, it still has a 93% chance of being incredibly stupid. Plus I already saw the scenes with New York in an episode of I Love New York 2, and she plays herself, so that's dumb. I was really hoping they would cut her up.