Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Idiots Guide on How to Get a Girl at a Party
November 28, 2007
Pick out the object you desire within the first minute of entering the room. If you don’t go up to her within the next 5 seconds don’t even bother. Just leave. You’ve already lost the battle.
Start off by shooting a couple negs at her, then follow up with a few cryptos and start emitting aura level 3 around her biosphere in a counterclockwise fashion.
Once she’s under your spell start whispering incantations into one ear, as a friend, preferably your wingman, screams preselected memorized Bible verses, in particular Deuteronomy 7-12 and Leviticus 7 in the other ear (Note: If she’s a red head maybe try Genesis 44 or 45).
Allow 5 to 10 minutes for the aural subliminal messages to simmer while you take the time to coat her face in a thin herbal-mint balm mixed with a hint of crushed olives and balsamic vinegar. For added effect use parsley. This should be done covertly in a bathroom during the party as to minimize posers trying to geek on your game.
Be particularly careful with this next step where you'll massage the ring finger on her left hand to sooth her inner, subconscious marital core. This will alleviate her point blank refusal (
) later that night when it comes to the onset of intimacy. You’ll relieve her of all guilt towards physical action soon thereafter.
This will ultimately consume her in a physical and mental state of euphoria that she will unconsciously associate with the smell, which you will have lathered on your body at home beforehand while preparing for the party.
Here's where things get tricky. When she awakens from her brief, slightly painful, sensory overload mind manipulation she will throw herself upon you like you are the only man alive, and in her mind, you are.
Literally. If you’ve done it right she will no longer have any memory left of her father and if done exceptionally well she will lose any sense of what it means to have a family. You have successfully destroyed any chance of long term memory retrieval for the past and in that case memory storage for the future. By this point she will have the cognitive abilities and awareness commonly associated with infantile retardation.
By the end of the night you’ll have her on all fours making any farm noise, bird call or insect cry you can fathom. Your wish is her command, just as long as you end each phrase with the words “And it shall be so”. You are now a God and she is but a mere mortal human, or chicken, or space alien. Whatever you want and it shall be so.
Warning: Use this stuff wisely. It’s incredibly powerful dark magic. Not for the weak minded or faint-hearted!
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Don't ask me again.