Every year it happens, the Christmas season comes and we are inundated with the need to feel cheerful and giving. On that fine morning of December the 25th we come bounding down the stairs hearts full of joy to unwrap presents of goodwill from friends and relatives. Just as sure, every year, our day is nearly shot by receiving a gift so shitty, so lame, so thoughtless that it makes us question the very spirit of Christmas. Shitty gifts, however, are the very spirit of holiday.

If you're like me, you have received something like tube socks from an aunt, or a $7 Wal Mart gift certificate, or perhaps even worse a fruit basket (honestly? like I couldn't pick out some fucking fruit at the store my self?). This tradition roots back to the very first Christmas.

When the three allegedly wise men found the baby Jesus born of Immaculate Conception they brought gifts to celebrate the arrival of the infant King. The gifts they brought were myrrh, frankincense, and gold. Way to go 'wise' men, Jesus was a fucking infant. He would probably be more stoked on the prospect of squeaky toys, fuzzy stuffed puppies, and putting his own foot in his mouth, definitely not scented oils and precious medals. That sucks more ass than receiving a savings bond or a donation made in your name!

So, this Christmas day, should you happen to open a gift that shows absolutely no forethought and is just altogether crappy and useless,ask yourself "what would the baby Jesus have done?" He was an infant; he probably would have cried then defecated in his own pants. Give that a shot; I bet all your relatives will remember the time that you cried and shit your pants because someone gave you tube socks and next year you’ll be enjoying your new iphone.