Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
"That Was Me. Sorry. Keep Going! Don't Stop!"
December 5, 2007
"Women don’t fart. All women are delicate flowers whose bodies are filled with sweet, feminine chemicals that evaporate that hydrogen sulfide stuff before it reaches their anuses. Women don’t sh*t either. Their reproductive-girl-parts break down their food and send it out their pores smelling like vanilla and lavender. It's so awesome that women get to go through their whole lives sans flatulence and fecal matter"
I’m positive that’s what the first guy I intimately farted in front of thought. He pulled his tongue out of my mouth and looked at me as if I just took a sh*t on his couch. And after my short-lived, yet trumpeting, sound faded from the air, I looked into his disgusted eyes and said…nothing. He didn’t say anything either. And when he dropped me off at my house later, he kissed me on the cheek.
Don’t be me. Don't be that naive, shameful, 17 year old girl who ruins her chances of dating a future Jewish doctor. Guy, girl, man, woman, sugar daddy, adulterer, priest, child, it’s always awkward when someone doesn’t know how to handle gas passing during intimacy. Be prepared!
Create a Diversion
Scream out in pleasure/moan loudly before and during the fart to mask the sound. (sometimes a loud sneeze or small coughing fit works during foreplay.)
A split second afterwards, before he has time to realize what happened, scream out “I
!” repeat this loudly until all sounds and smells have ceased.
Already pleasuring him? Depending on your skill level you might already be in the clear, but a quick “I
!” coupled with a nipple shaft rub probably wouldn’t hurt.
Make it Emotional
Say “sorry” and then sheepishly avert your eyes. Then make direct eye contact, slightly smile and say, “it’s just that I feel so close to you, so comfortable around you, like I could do anything.”*
Make it Funny
Start laughing. Don’t stop laughing until he’s laughing too. If he doesn’t start laughing, he doesn’t love you. Revert to a diversion #2.
Reverse the Blame
“Oh my god, my bed/chair/radiator always does that!”
. Never do this.
Blaming the other person with a “Gross, was that you?!” is also
and will never work.
However, if there are other people around (hot girl/couple from that craigslist ad, camera crew, etc.) reversing the blame is totally acceptable and highly effective.
Speak the Truth
“I told you not to make me tacos”
“That was me. Sorry. Keep going! Don’t stop!”
“It’s okay, my loud ones don’t smell!”
“Don’t worry, that was just my vagina”
*Guys, this will result in lots more sex/serious relationship. Girls, this only works while naked.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.