1. Kick through the front door decked out head to toe in your school apparel. You should already be drunk by the way. Like, almost retarded drunk. You should actually be at the point where you won't remember arriving to this party the next day. Show up to the party as early as you can too, 8 o'clock sharp.

2. Act like you're too good to be there. Keep saying you should head to another party, when in reality the other party doesn't exist. Don't go up to anyone, let them come to you. Tell them all the "keggers" you've gone to over the semester. Feel free to exaggerate. If any dude tries to talk to you immediately ask him how many brews he can chug. If he responds with anything less than a thousand kick him in the face.

3. Hit on the freshman girls. All of them. You're in college now buddy and no one on the face of the Earth is more chill than a college student. You know what freshman girls think about college dudes? They think you have sex non-stop. Use that to your advantage. If you have sex with any less than two at once you have f*cking failed.

4. Inevitably the high school guys at the party are going to get mad that you crashed their party, started drinking their beer and are now hitting on their girls. This is why it's imperative to roll deep with 8 or 12 of your high school buddies and maybe one of your crazier friends who's visiting you from school. Carry switchblades.

5. Tell stories. These babies will lap up every word that leaves your mouth like a thirsty dog on a hot summer day. Everything you say is gold, so embellish your stories to ridiculous extremes and talk about the seemingly endless dozens of girls you've hooked up with. Keep talking about "Crazy Eddie" from school and how he'll do anything. Literally, this kid is certifiably insane. He was committed in like middle school but they had to let him out on a technicality. But above all just get really drunk and don't look back.