Finally, Nip/Tuck is heating up! Literally! Everyone just keeps getting into crazier and crazier scrapes, with four of the principal players almost dying and getting shipped off to hell, where they probably belong. Because they're old. And sinful. And far too naked on TV. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.As my good, dead friend Maria would say, the beginning is a very good place to start. The thing is that there's not really a beginning to this episode; there's a middle, and there's sort of an end; at what would be the beginning, though, we just plunge right in, head-first, to some scenes of Sean and Eden in a frenzied bout of lovemaking. There's very little foreplay (mostly consisting of her getting naked), and only choppy cuts to let us know that Eden is finally, ostensibly for the first time, having her vagina penetrated by a man. I'm not sure how much I buy into the whole "I've only had anal sex up until now" line she was pulling earlier in the season. Based on the look on her face when she's being bounced on Sean's lap like a toddler who's being treated to a game of "This is the way the Indians ride
," I'd wager that it's not her first time she's let someone's Pooh into her hunny pot.
Now that I read that, it sounds like scat play, but I'm not going to change it. I'm just going to warn you: don't be pooping in anyone's precious lady flower. Especially if you're 42. The thing about this scene was that it was so choppy and so saturated with smack-you-in-the-face, extra-filled-with-lust-the-deadly-sin red that I wasn't convinced that it wasn't just some fantasy of Sean's until they were in the bath tub. That's one thing that I really enjoy about this show: some of the shit that happens is so outlandish that there's at least a 45% chance of it being a dream sequence at any given moment. And that chance increases to about 60% for the more stylized, lens-filtered, music video scenes like this one. Eden is going to a party, but Sean's not invited, because he's too old. Also because she claims that this was just a one-time thing, but you know that Eden needs his paternal affection to validate her self-worth as much as he needs her tight, coconut-scented pussy to validate his. I think it's really good that they can both get something out of this relationship, and I think it's even better that what Sean gets from Eden, he could very easily get from any other skanky young ho, whereas it would take Eden much longer to incite actual, genuine concern and caring from another older man. Matt and Kimber show up at the office, allegedly three weeks' sober and looking for some handouts so that Kimber can get her foundering porn career back up and running. Sean and Christian refuse, on the grounds that the last time they gave them $250k, they just wasted it on church and drugs. Kimber puts in a request for some free surgery to fix her busted-up face, but Christian really enjoying the power trip, I think refuses, again blaming her for getting herself into this mess. Sean lectures them on how they have an 80% chance of relapsing into their stank meth ways (spoiler alert: for Matt it's 100% chance), and despite the fact that he's preaching about how they can't just kick the habit so quickly, he refuses to help them, when help is clearly what they need. He should know that; he's a doctor, after all. They don't need any more money, certainly, but he would do well to maybe keep an eye on them periodically through the rehabilitation process, and maybe be more supportive as a father and a friend. Both he and Christian scramble up to the moral high ground, though, and they build a little fort there and yell over the battlements at their son and daughter-in-law/ about how this is their mess that they got themselves into, and they'll have to get themselves out, and their two dads aren't going to do anything to help them anymore. As if Sean was never almost an alcoholic and Christian isn't addicted to sex. I'm not saying that this isn't Kimber and Matt's fault, because on a micro level, it is. They started doing meth, and they squandered all their money on an alien religion (strange coincidence, that) and drugs. But on a macro level, it's completely Sean and Christian's fault, because they raised Matt, and Christian fucked with Kimber's self esteem enough to make her think that she needed to do things like porn and meth, and to tweak every little bit of her appearance in order to validate her existence. Is meth really worse than Sean fucking his ex-wife's lover's 18-year-old daughter? Is it worse than Christian carving a big, festering wound into his loved ones' personal lives for the sake of his own celebrity? I don't think so. They're each just looking for something to make them feel better on a day-to-day basis, and when Sean and Christian's short-term fixes end up screwing things up even more, you can bet your bottom dollar that they'll be there for each other at the end of the day. Why they can't offer the same courtesy at least to the young man they raised, is beyond me. I guess it's because we're all selfish fucks this episode and we're all going to hell in a fiery red hand basket. Speaking of alien religions, after Matt and Kimber show themselves out through the trash chute, Sean and Christian find an elderly man waiting for them in their office. The look on both their faces seems to say, "Shit, there's no surgery in the world that could make him attractive again." They needn't worry, though, because this man doesn't want to look better. He just wants to get the alien tracking device out of his tender back flesh. This man, it turns out, is Dr. Joshua Bell, but he's not a real kind of doctor like Sean and Christian are. He's not even a fake kind of doctor like Aiden Stone. Worse, he's the fakest kind of doctor of all: a doctor like Jodi Foster in Contact. While listening into the hypnotic void of deep space one night, he heard some distinct beeps that indicated to him that intelligent life was out there somewhere. As soon as Sean gets wind of this, he's like, "Nuh uh! I would have heard about it if there were aliens!" Probably from his subscription to Giant Fucking Nerds Weekly. He didn't hear about it because no one else in the world believed Dr. Bell, despite the fact that his name is a beacon, probably because 1) aliens aren't real and 2) for serious, Jodi Foster already pulled all this shit in Contact. Get a new plot device [writers]. In the show's defense, they've really just been improving exponentially on flashback sequences this season. This one, which is desaturated and with PAs in hokey alien costumes hovering around Bell, who's strapped to an exam table, is easily the goofiest yet. (And Rosie O'Donnell getting her lip eaten by that eagle was pretty fucking goofy.) Then one of them draws his finger across Bell's back, and the only color in the sequence red blood trickles out of his saggy old lunatic body, and they stuff in a microchip. Sean and Christian are just like, "What the hell? Seriously, we have to deal with this right now?" Then he shows them his wound, which is about the size of a golf ball and covered in gangrene, and grumpily informs them that he tried to dislodge the microchip with a coat hanger. Really? Really, scientist man? That's very "Toby Maguire in the orchard phase of Cider House Rules" of you. This just goes to show, people at Harvard are book smart, but not street smart. Should have used a knife. They're way sharper. At any rate, there's definitely something in Dr. Bell's body that needs to come out, and they would probably do well to close up that bloody crater in his back, while they're at it. The next day (I guess?) on the H&S set (and can I just say how relieved I am that we don't have to watch that shitfest anymore? And also that we don't have to see that shitfest Kate anymore, although I imagine it's pretty weird for Sean to have to work with her after he told her that her lack of sphincter control has eliminated any chance of him ever loving her again.) Dr. Aiden Stone beckons Sean into his trailer, where he's wearing a goldish speedo and rolling around on the mattress with some nubile young thing in pink boy shorts. Sean is like, "Woah, other adult men have sex with younger girls? I had never considered that I wasn't the only one with these urges!" And Dr. Aiden threatens to Dutch Oven the bed and he and the little girl giggle, and then he demonstrates his scantily-clad limberness while he tells Sean all about some new-age Indian herb doctor he sees, and Sean tries not to look too homophobic. As we see more interactions with Dr. Aiden Stone, he increasingly reminds me of a hybridization of Gob Bleuth and Owen Wilson's Hansel, which is actually a very cool combination of people to be reminiscent of. By the end of the scene, he has invited Sean to join him for some radiation facials and intravenous medication on the morrow. Now onto the worst plot device of the episode: Julia and Olivia are returning from an evening jaunt to the local sex shop, where they apparently purchased something of such sensitive subject matter that we are never allowed to see it. Judging by how upset Julia is over it, though, I'm betting it's a Georgia O'Keefe print. They squabble about the same old shit about Julia contriving fake problems in their relationship while Olivia gets some cash out of an ATM. Then some white-bread looking dude, who's sort of old and husky, blasts a shot of spray paint over the security camera, points a gun at them ("It's loaded!" he insists, as if to convince himself, which means that it totally isn't loaded at all), and demands that they withdraw as much cash as possible and then chauffeur him wherever the hell he pleases. Olivia is immediately reduced to a blubbering baby, and Julia immediately remains the worst actress in the history of television. After commercials, Julia is driving her car, with Olivia slobbering all over herself in the passenger seat, and the Bored Single Guy Who Took the Ocean's Trilogy Too Seriously smoking a cigarette in the back seat. Maybe this is just me, but if I had two incompetent women shuddering at my every word, I'd probably nab shotgun. Just sayin'. A large percentage of his cigarettes have disappeared from the pack, indicating that a considerable amount of time has passed. He languidly requests that Olivia shut the fuck up (for real, yo), and Julia's all, "Where are we going?" Based on the rate at which he's burning through those cigarettes, I'd expect him to say, "To the nearest tobacco distributor." Instead, he's all ominous and shit, just like, "Keep driving!" Except it's not ominous in the way that spooky music is ominous, it's ominous in the way that your dad is when tells you to shut up and stop asking how much farther it is to Grandma's house. Olivia is really losing her shit in this sequence, which is pretty annoying, especially contrasted with how much of an unresponsive dick Julia is being. It's annoying on the plane of direction, not necessarily on the plane of the script or of Portia diRossi. It's like the director was just like, "Hey, you know what? Usually Julia's the whiny bitch, but Olivia is a disposable character, so
fuck it! Let's make her really upset. But to show how strong Julia is, and how fantastic of a character, and how desirable, we'll make her all stoic and sort of pissed off-looking the whole time. Like this is just one huge inconvenience to her, and like her girlfriend's obvious terror is even more inconvenient." All I'm saying is, either Julia is afraid or she's not. If she is, she'd be empathizing with Olivia more, and making more of an effort to comfort her. If she's not, she should just call the dude out on his bluff and throw him out of her car. Bang Bus that guy and let's get on with the other plot lines already.
It turns out that Dr. Bell has Alzheimer's, and that the chip was installed by some people in the home where he stays to keep track of him, because his senile ass escapes pretty regularly. His daughter shows up with two male nurses/nightclub bouncers to take him back into custody. Dr. Bell, of course, insists that he's not ill, that the woman is not his daughter, and that he doesn't want to go back with them. Christian and Sean seem sympathetic to his situation, which is that he's crazy, and they don't believe a word he says even when he starts spouting off details regarding the current year, president, and relative success of the Celtics. It's pretty much word-for-word the same scene as the one in the Beverley Hillbillies Movie when Caroline in the City and Rob Schneider check Granny into that nursing home, and with the same dastardly motivation.
Kimber had her surgery, and she looks sort of better, I guess, although I don't really see a difference. She stares at an old porno of hers, but it's not even good-times nostalgic or like, "Hey, that was fun, I can't wait to do it again!" or anything. She just has the screen frozen on a close-up of her face, and she's staring at her reflection in the screen, smaller than life-size and hovering sadly in the shadow of her larger, more beautiful, long-ago movie face. Then a song starts to play about how much it sucks to be a girl, because you have to get all dolled up and wear nice clothes and look good all the time and shit, and it's the soundtrack for a montage of Kimber putting on pounds of Marilyn Monroe Old Hollywood Glamor makeup and shoplifting shoes and a fur coat. It's supposed to be pretty sad, I think, because Kimber looks desperate and worn out the whole time, like she's so over the idea -if she ever even had it of migrating out to the west coast and starting a new life and working her way up the ranks from waitress to receptionist to porno cum receptacle to STAR. That's been the dream of countless girls, most of whom were probably much prettier and more talented (and definitely younger) than Kimber. Once upon a time Kimber was in a similar situation, and she became a queen in her industry, and she threw that all away to get married and have a baby and smoke a bunch of meth all of which ruined her appearance, which, as she said earlier in the episode, is her one marketable commodity. And how sad to realize that about oneself. How sad it must be for her, who never thought she was good enough to be successful the way she was, to have to look at her reflection in a shitty TV screen in a shitty apartment married to a kid because he was infatuated with her and working out some weird Oedipal complexes, and because she was desperate and still not fulfilled, despite everything, so she clung to him like a pale, skinny, fishy buoy in an ocean full of fish who wouldn't hurt her but they wouldn't notice her, either. I think that at the bottom of it all, Kimber thought she was hot shit once. The first date she had with Christian, I think she probably thought she was pretty hot shit. And then piece by piece, little by little, he dismantled her self-esteem not in the sake of honesty, but because he needed for her to think that she was unworthy of him. In the process, she's forgotten that she was ever worthy of anyone, and the sad thing is, that maybe now she's not anymore. Maybe she used up all the worthiness on Christian and porn, and now the best she can do is show up on their doorsteps and pretend to want them back, and that she'll give her body her only stock, and it's plummeting fast to them, but she knows they don't want it. She doesn't want it, either. All she wants is for someone to really, truly believe that she's the best gal out there. Matt believes that, I think, but she doesn't trust Matt's opinion. Matt is weak and small-time and pretty worthless, so if he thinks Kimber's great, that's the equivalent of her grandma thinking she's great, or some chubby loser who spray paints ATM cameras and carjacks two anorexic lesbians with a water pistol. She shows up at the porn franchiser's doorstep in her stolen shoes and her stolen coat, with her fake, stolen face and an ugly, jagged void where her self-worth used to be, and they fuck. Because that's pretty much the only thing Kimber knows how to do.