Ethan: I was going to point out that Tebow could maybe have some pro success if used creatively, and then I read that Urban Meyer had called him "very similar to Alex Smith." C'mon, Urban, why do you have to be outright mean to your own QB?
Amir: Maybe he means Tamba Bay's tight end Alex Smith. Maybe it doesn't matter.
Ethan: I'm just glad that Tebow showed us that homeschooled kids aren't just religious nerds with lisps. Have you been offered the Michigan job yet? They're down to only five candidates left in the entire world.
Amir: I knew times were getting desperate when I read that one of the candidates was actually Lloyd's Car. I like that instead of finding more candidates, Michigan just keeps insisting Les Miles is going to take the job eventually. They're like a delusional ex-boyfriend. "We're just going through a rough patch but she'll be back."
Ethan: "Les, baby, we can change. You don't like maize and blue? Then neither do we! Purple and teal it is. We'll be the Charlotte Hornets of the Big Ten." Seems like someone would want that job; it's one of the top four or five spots in all of college football.
Amir: Yeah, no D-II teams on the schedule for next year either. They have nothing to be afraid of! Sorry. Division I-AA.
Ethan: It sounds like they're just calling anyone under 45 now, including Pop Warner coaches. I'm not so sure Snoop Dogg won't be the front-runner by the weekend. What about the other coaching moves? Do you like Pelini in Nebraska? Or Bobby Petrino to Arkansas?
Amir: I love how Bobby Petrino couldn't even wait three courtesy weeks to leave Atlanta. Right before Week 14 he just bolted outta there. "Good luck with Tampa Bay, suckers!"
Ethan: Apparently he didn't even address the players. Just jumped in his car and took off, still yelling empty promises to fantasy owners about how this is the week Jerious Norwood starts seeing more carries.
Amir: "So Long, Stinktown!"
Ethan: I also read on Pro Football Talk that the last NFL coach to leave mid-season was also 3-10 and also went to Arkansas. His name was Lou Holtz. So Petrino, get ready to give semi-coherent, unintentionally hilarious pep talks to other coaches' teams on ESPN in 2029. You won't know where you are, but you'll enjoy it!
Amir: I think the Falcons need a four hour Holtz pep talk right now.
Amir: Well the Jets beat the Steelers by 3, and the Pats beat the Steelers by 21, so I'm gonna go with 52-8. I hear you can not only bet on the spread (Pats 25) but also the type of postgame handshake. (Headlock is 9 to 1) Here's a question: as a Patriot hater, what's funnier, a Patriots loss to the Jets or a loss to the Dolphins?
Ethan: Definitely the Dolphins. At least the Jets' inexperienced QB is supposed to be good eventually.
Amir: But Belichick hates the Jets. He at least pities the Dolphins.
Ethan: I like the speculation that the Pats are going to really run up the score on the Jets. What would that prove, that the Jets are terrible? Even Thomas Jones knows that.
Amir: He wants Mangini to be as embarrassed as he was after Spygate. He wants at the end of the game for Jets players to hug their head coach as if they're comforting a mourner like the Pats did to Belichick.
Ethan: If the Jets aren't already embarrassed by how this season's gone, no seventy-point blowout is going to make them stop and say, "Wait a minute we're that terrible Jets team everyone's been making fun of? Ugh, we blow!" If the Pats really want to piss off the Jets, they should start Matt Cassel. "Nah, we don't need Tom today. His backup should be good to cover the spread."
Amir: How can you sit here and ridicule the team you chose to win the AFC East?
Ethan: Look, when we wrote the NFL Preview column, we agreed it was Opposite Day. Man, what a stupid prediction by me.
Amir: How did Adrian Peterson only get 3 yards on 14 carries against the lowly Niners?
Ethan: He's no longer Purple Jesus. If he wants to be a Biblical character, I'm demoting him to something more minor, either Purple Ezekiel or Purple Zacchaeus. Does he bounce back this week?
Ethan: Their O-line is just ridiculous. Any five guards able to help Chester Taylor go for an 84 yard score is special, but I'm not picking a team coached by Brad Childress to beat the Cowboys. Look at that mustache. And his wife's name is Dru-Ann; it's like her parents named her using a crappy Scrabble hand. And the Cowboys only got a little lucky; that comeback was pretty amazing. Where's your Messiah now, Kitna?
Amir: You know Jesus tore his ACL in week 7, stop bringing that up.
Ethan: Time for some college hoops. I watched Kentucky-Indiana the other day and couldn't figure out if IU is incredibly good or Kentucky is inconceivably bad. It's probably somewhere in between. What have you learned by finals week?
Amir: Amazing freshman = terrible teams next year. Is it worth forcing OJ Mayo, Derrick Rose, Michael Beasley to go to college if they are just going to leave after one year? According to these sick highlites YES!
Ethan: No, no, you see they just need to find another amazing freshman for next year. It's like having to win the lottery each month to pay your rent: a perfect system that can't possibly go awry. I'm big on Derrick Rose at Memphis. When they beat UConn last month, he and Chris Douglas Roberts combined for 57 points on 41 shots. Even more amazing, they combined for zero assists. Ballers don't pass. Ever. What other teams are impressing you?
Amir: The Longhorns are proving us wrong already. They lost Durant and have seemingly gotten better after holding Tennessee to under 80 and beating UCLA. Come to think of it, the Sonics were better last year too maybe he's a clubhouse cancer!
Ethan: Xavier's looking good, with only one close loss to Miami of Ohio and a win over Indiana before their schedule gets tougher. If they can find a way to let the Blue Blob get some playing time, they could stay ranked all season. I'm also glad Duke is good again. I hate Duke basketball with every fiber of my being, but I like it better when they're good. It's no fun hating a villain when they're going .500 in the ACC. If Greg Paulus can make a leap to the Wojo/Redick level of annoyingness, this could be a fun team to boo in March. Got an interesting fact?
Amir: This one is really obscure because I learned it during the second half of the Colts/Ravens Monday night game, so it's known only by me and Al Michaels: Long time Peyton Manning back-up, Jim Sorgi has a higher career passer rating than Manning himself. You think Tony Dungy knows about Sorgi's quiet strength?
Ethan: Anyone can be one of the best QBs in the league by "playing in games" and "throwing passes." It takes a real man to do it while wearing a visor and holding a clipboard.
Amir: I respect that.
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for the Mitchell Report. We hear Barry Bonds could be in it!