Common things your friends will say, and what your response should be.

Friend: Oh man, on the weekend, I don't even get in until at least 4 or 5 AM.

You: On the weekend, I just stay out for 48 hours. And on Sunday I get Jager shots for brunch.

Friend: I went to this insane party, there must have been 10 kegs.

You: Honestly, I went to a party inside an enormous keg. There was beer everywhere.

Friend: Beer doesn't even get me drunk anymore. I need, like, grain alcohol.

You: Liquor doesn't do shit for me unless I shove it in capsule form up my ass. I'm that intense. Sh*t is real, son.

Friend: I got laid last week by this hot ass chick in my dorm.

You: This hot girl at school's cousin is Mila Kunis. I three-wayed them. And they each orgasmed infinity times.

Friend: Our dining hall has a Taco Bell.

You: The toilet paper in our bathroom is Crunch Wrap Supremes.

Friend: Our football team is undefeated.

You: Our football team is all robots. And they play their home games in outer space.

Friend: None of my classes start before noon.

You: I don't have any classes. I just go to class rooms and have sex with cheerleaders.

Friend: I heard Soulja Boy is going to perform at my school next semester.

You: Soulja Boy is my roommate, and I taught him that gay dance one night when I was drunk.

Friend: I'm pledging a sick Frat.

You: I started my own Frat. And there are Saber Tooth Tigers in it.

Friend: I live in a senior dorm, it's so sweet.

You: I live in the president's house. And I have my own hot air balloon and a bazooka and an endless supply of Big League Chew and my own skate board ramp and a Tarantula and a double neck guitar and a coffee table made out of Indian bones.

Friend: Why do you lie so much?

You: Why are you gay?