What did we learn this week? Dying kids are dicks! Killing a girl’s father is worse than forgetting her birthday! Every snowmen is made of a corpse! Peewee Herman doesn’t need to whip his wang out in public to be creepy!
The case: Insurance adjusters are ending up dead on the front yard of Abner Newsome, a sickly boy who needs a heart but is constantly passed over. Emerson and Ned have to investigate the murder with Ned only half-focused on the case; Chuck has to deal with hating Ned for killing her father, and Olive must bring pies to the aunts before they go crazy. Rated C for Excessive Cold with No Hard Nipples.
The last episode ended with Ned finally confessing to Chuck that he killed her father. Strangely enough, this drives a wedge between the two lovers who can’t love. Ned searches the city, visits aunts Lily and Vivian, and ends up at Olive’s pad. Olive kindly ignores the mistletoe hanging from her doorframe because she’s hiding Chuck in her room and isn’t ready to propose a threesome.
When Ned leaves, Olive and Chuck share a scene together wearing skimpy pajamas and making out…or maybe just talking about Ned and Chuck’s fight. Olive asks if Ned hit her and seems disappointed when Chuck says no, but whether it’s because it means she won’t get with Chuck or because she’d be turned on by it is uncertain. When she keeps pressing the issue, Chuck admits to dying and being brought back to life, but Olive thinks she’s joking. Olive agrees to bake and bring the aunts their normal drug pie. Because she doesn’t know there are drugs inside, she plops in a crazy amount of what must be heroin that we’re sure will have consequences.
Emerson has a distraction for Ned in the shape of a case involving dead insurance claims agents. Ned and Emerson go to the morgue where Emerson stops to wax cynical (surprised?) about the horrendous practice of giving Christmas sweaters as gifts. Hopefully my mother will read this and not, I repeat NOT, give me another sweater with a moose on it. The claims adjuster admits he was killed by kindness. Wha?
Meanwhile, Chuck is visited by Peewee Herman who, you may have forgotten, is Oscar the weird sewer-dwelling smelling guy. Oscar asks Chuck for a lock of her hair, presumably to make a hair doll out of, and admits that he shaved Digby’s butt. When Chuck refuses to give Oscar any of her hair, he says he’ll be happy with Digby’s ass shavings, a statement that I’m sure will give me nightmares for weeks. Oscar continues to bother Chuck throughout the rest of the episode until she finally relents and gives him a lock of her hair. Oscar has to try very hard to keep his PeeWee in his pants. In the end Chuck decides not to tell him the whole secret of, you know, being dead.
Ned and Chuck share an awkward moment in Olive’s apartment where Chuck tells Ned she can’t see him because she needs to hate him for a while. If they weren’t fighting and could touch each other, they might be excited about being alone in Olive’s pad and use the opportunity for some naughtiness on someone else’s bed. You ever done that? Sex is so hot in foreign locals, which is why I masturbate in as many Arby’s basements as possible. Chuck and Ned don’t take advantage, however, and I suddenly am in the mood for some roast beef (double entendre? I think so!)
Emerson goes to visit Abner, the sick boy with the messed-up heart. It turns out the kid is all grinch about the ever-present threat of death and isn’t that sad about the insurance agent ending up dead. Before Emerson can accuse the kid of being the killer, though, the kid lays out why he couldn’t have done it—namely his soggy breadstick legs and terrible athletic prowess. Emerson goes outside and discovers a dead body in a snowman. Crazy.
Ned and Emerson go back to visit Abner and find a woman from the Wish-A-Wish Foundation with a monkey she claims is a bonobo, but definitely isn’t. Abner is an ass and Ned and Emerson (from here on out, they shall be Nederson) decide to wait in Ned’s car and watch for the dead body to show up. They share a strangely poignant moment where Emerson admits he has a daughter, but he claims later his moment of human emotion was caused by the carbon monoxide plugging up the car. When they barely wake up (and Ned convinces Emerson he wasn’t dead), they find a new corpse in a new snowman.
When Olive visits the aunts, Aunt Lily snorts the entire thing, getting higher than the ceiling must look to tiny Olive. Chuck is visited by Oscar and forgives Ned. Nederson figure out the killer was the Wish-A-Wish lady and stop her from killing the last insurance agent. Turns out she’s killing the agents because she thinks it’s the only way to make poor Abner happy, which is true because he’s a miserable little jerk. The lady gets run over by a monkey, Abner gets her heart, Chuck forgives Ned, and everything is great.
And then Aunt Lily hallucinates about a floating mermaid and admits to Olive that she’s Chuck’s mother. The fact that I can type a sentence that ludicrous and know it makes sense is part of what makes this show so great. Hopefully the writer’s strike will end sooner rather than later and we’ll figure out how the hell all this craziness is possible.