In my 18 months working retail for Verizon Wireless, I've come across some strange characters. Some of them nice, others just batshit-crazy. I've compiled a list of the most generalized cell phone users around, which do you fit into?

People who absolutely despise cell phones.
General Age Range: 35+

These are the people I encounter most. I can spot this type of customer before they even get to the door, cause they're usually shooting me dirty looks like I killed their dog. Since I'm the one tasked with selling them something that they hate, usually because they don't understand how to use the phone, and lack the literary intelligence to RTFM (read the fucking manual), they're automatically biased against me. In the beginning this would anger me. I had a phone thrown at me in my second month. The portable phone too, not a cell phone. But over time, I learned that one of the few things they hate more than their cell phone, is the fact that I know how to use it with ease and cunning. So for there every complaint (battery goes down a bar after only 3 days, their damn kids are text messaging them…what is text messaging, phone doesn't work in the house [I like this one because if they hate the phone so much, why wouldn't they want to use their home phone.) I perform the task way quicker than they can interpret it, and they're far too proud to ask me to repeat it, at the risk of seeming stupid…good thing.

Parents who are too stubborn to accept the fact that Texting is the new Crack

When a parent brings their son/daughter in (anywhere from age 12-31… yeah… 31 see below) I can guarantee with near certainty that with their new cell phone, they will be text messaging, it's the Morse Code of our generation. Parents refuse to accept this… "What is text messaging… you dont need that nonsense, this phone is for emergencies only _____. If you abuse it I will take it away." You know what else are for emergencies only? Fire Extinguishers. But if you haven't used a fire extinguisher in a comedic fashion, or to freeze bugs, you haven't lived my friend. So rather then pay 10 dollars a month for unlimited texting, they opt to pay 15 cents for each message sent, or received, and 25 cents for when there whore daughter sends naked pictures of herself to that cute guy that works at the phone store. Usually the first bill they receive will be way over 300 dollars. Serves you right fucktard, you're daughters a whore and uploads pictures of her holding her boobs to myspace and collegehumor, plan accordingly. Her titties are pretty sweet though.

Mr. Bigshot.

What is that smell? Did a truck full of Axe explode outside? Oh sweet Jeebus…

Mr. Bigshot is typically in his mid 30's, constantly hears BeeGee's songs in his head, and is trying so hard to cover up his receding hairline with fun buzz words that make him seem hip and with-it. He usually has some sort of social habit, twitching, squinting, stuttering, coke habit…things of the sort. As is standard, i ask him what he needs.

Me:"What's up man, what can I do for you?"

Mr. B:"Oh snap, what's up brohammer…"
(As though he didnt see me sitting in front of him the whole time).
"I've got this phone right? and I'm like sooo sick of it, it's a piece of shit, what do you have for free bro"

Me: (Ignoring the irony) "Well we've got a few free phones"
(I take out all of the free phones, which are free for a reason)

Mr. B: "Cool man cool… these all have bluetooth and cameras and stuff"

Me: "Uh… no none of free phones have bluetooth or a camera, gotta shell out a couple buck for features like that"

Mr. B: "Oh yeah bro? You can't hook me up man? What about that Razor Phone, that thing is Sick."

Now, let me take a moment to tell you that, the Verizon Razr is the biggest piece of shit. The razr came out in 2003 or some nonsense. It is the oldest phone in any carriers lineup. The battery is miserable, the reception leaves much to be desired… but girls always want the fucking pink one. Great, here's your pink phone bitch, see you in 2 weeks so you can complain that the battery sucks.

Me: "You don't want the razr, it's a piece of shit. Let me get your number and the last 4 of your social so I can look up the account"

Mr. B: "Oh I'm n-n-not sure the accounts in my name or not"

Me: "Oh, well whos name is it in, you're wife's?" (zing)

Mr. B: "Uh no its in my moms name."

Get some credit you fucking loser.


The Elderly

The store I work in is about a mile away from a retirement village. Not just a home, an entire fucking village of disgusting old people. For some reason, old women love me, if I had half the charm on girls my age that I do on old women, I would play a lot less Xbox. I saw an old guy coming up to the door one day so I braced myself to explain what the red button does when he opened the door and I was hit with a smell almost as bad as Mr. B.

"Uh sir, do you smell that? It smells like burning electronic equipment"

Now I'm slightly concerned that a computer somewhere is on fire or something so I begin to look around, and notice its coming from the elderly gentleman.

Old Guy: "That might be coming from my phone"

He places it on the counter and there is still smoke coming out of it, I immediately pop the battery out and ask just what the fuck happened to his fucking phone

Me: "That can't be good, how did that happen"

OG: "Well, I was shaving and my phone was on the sink and I accidentally knocked it into the water"

Me: "Well that shouldn't have caused it to nearly explode"

OG: "Yeah I don't know what happened, it was like that when I took it out of the microwave"

Me: "I'm sorry, did you just say that you microwaved your phone?"

OG: "Yeah, I thought it would dry it out…"

Wow! This guy is lucky to be alive, he microwaved it battery and all, I kinda felt bad, he could've probably died if that shit would've exploded…

This is my first article ever and it might suck, and I'm sure you guys will be quick to let me know, theres a bunch more so if this goes over decently, I'll do a part 2.