I’ve always wanted to have hobbies.Right now I just have interests, which makes my answers to questions about hobbies and interests disturbingly lopsided.I wish more people would let me engage in my hobbies.

In the Hospital

Bill: What are you doing?

Me: It’s just a little open-heart surgery. Open-heart surgery is a hobby of mine.

Bill: There is no way I’m going to let someone without a medical degree operate on me.

Me: Don’t worry, I know all the parts of heart surgery.The heart part, the expertise part, and also that other part.

On the Streets

Customer: Prostitute, you are terrible.

Me: I’m doing my best.

Customer: I don’t feel comfortable paying for this.

Me: That’s okay.I’m doing this for love.


Me: Keeps me out of trouble, you know?

On the Phone.

Caller: He’s bleeding everywhere, and I can’t tell if he’s breathing.

Me: You should move him off the carpet.It is hard to get blood out of carpet, unless the carpet has been pre-treated.

Caller: Is an ambulance on its way?

Me: …It is now.

On the Field

Me: Just try to keep the ball away from them, any way you can.

My Team: Any strategy we should follow?

Me: You know what’s at stake here, don’t you?If we win, I’m taking everyone to Dairy King.

The Coach: Who are you talking to, guys?

On the Couch

Me: It sounds like you have a lot of problems.

Patient: …Don’t you want to talk to me about them?

Me: Not really. I think a lobotomy is probably your best option here.

Patient: What?

Me: Just a little one.

In Jail

Me: I’m bored now.Can I leave?

Warden: You’re serving two life sentences.

Me: I don’t think you understand the concept of hobbies.