I’ve always wanted to have hobbies.Right now I just have interests, which makes my answers to questions about hobbies and interests disturbingly lopsided.I wish more people would let me engage in my hobbies.
In the Hospital
Bill: What are you doing?
Me: It’s just a little open-heart surgery. Open-heart surgery is a hobby of mine.
Bill: There is no way I’m going to let someone without a medical degree operate on me.
Me: Don’t worry, I know all the parts of heart surgery.The heart part, the expertise part, and also that other part.
On the Streets
Customer: Prostitute, you are terrible.
Me: I’m doing my best.
Customer: I don’t feel comfortable paying for this.
Me: That’s okay.I’m doing this for love.
Me: Keeps me out of trouble, you know?
On the Phone.
Caller: He’s bleeding everywhere, and I can’t tell if he’s breathing.
Me: You should move him off the carpet.It is hard to get blood out of carpet, unless the carpet has been pre-treated.
Caller: Is an ambulance on its way?
Me: …It is now.
On the Field
Me: Just try to keep the ball away from them, any way you can.
My Team: Any strategy we should follow?
Me: You know what’s at stake here, don’t you?If we win, I’m taking everyone to Dairy King.
The Coach: Who are you talking to, guys?
On the Couch
Me: It sounds like you have a lot of problems.
Patient: …Don’t you want to talk to me about them?
Me: Not really. I think a lobotomy is probably your best option here.
Me: Just a little one.
Me: I’m bored now.Can I leave?
Warden: You’re serving two life sentences.
Me: I don’t think you understand the concept of hobbies.