I'm 42 years old, and my roommate is an 11-year-old Asian kid. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyways I got really mad at him for cheating at a game of cards one night, so I stayed awake all night while he slept, and I whispered into his ear, pretending to be his dead parents. The next morning when he woke up, he was convinced his parents were still alive. I chuckled and reminded him they were dead, and he ran away crying. But the next day he helped me kill Mola Ram, so I think he's over it.
Indiana, School Not Given

The reason you keep seeing ghosts and shit is because I killed my mistress in this house and dumped her body in the lake. Oh, and every morning I leave a pubic hair on your toothbrush.
Norman, Vermont

My roommate was in love with his sister. That's fucked up, I know. Everyone knew, but we weren't allowed to say anything about it until the 3rd movie, so I just got tired of waiting and when he went to Dagobah I totally banged her. Whassup!
Han, School Not Given

I sit in your bedroom while you sleep with a gun in my mouth, praying for the show we're stuck in to be canceled. Oh God, make it stop.
Mark Blackwood

Every time I find some of your ridiculously long brown fur in my food, I spit in your mouthwash bottle. And stop that gurgling/growling thing. You can understand English, why can't you speak it?!