Finals week creates a hairball of stress that builds up to a nearly unbearable point towards the end of the week. That built-up stress elicits two options at the end of the week: return home as soon as possible to relax with your family, or drink every ounce of alcohol in the fridge, in the medicine cabinet and, by 3:30am Friday night, under the sink.
While I’ll remain neutral on this issue, I will say that I’m wearing the same shirt I took my last final in and have not showered. Such a situation requires one to look at his or her household items in a different light—perhaps out of desperation, or perhaps from an enlightened view you’ve gained from lack of personal hygiene, slurred speech and impaired motor functions. Either way, keep these rules in mind and you should be alright this weekend:
Shoes = Bottle Storage: Wearing shoes implies you’re going somewhere, and you’re not. So when the coozies and coasters are sparse, kick those puppies off and slide her in there. Should anyone complain about the stench, call them “gay,” burp, and kick them out of your house.
Chairs = Kegstang Fill-Ins: You may be drinking a lot this weekend, but large parties are rare, because many people head home. So, chances are, you may not have someone to lift the other leg when you need them to…enter: the wooden chair. Sturdy and dependable, these household staples may not lift your leg to optimum height, but can provide substantial support when you need it most. Note: do NOT use office chairs with roller wheels.
Office Chairs with Roller Wheels = Greatest Toy Ever: Remember when you convinced your mom in Office Depot that you were going to need to equip your dorm room with all of the stuff a middle-aged suit would need in his office? Well now that rolly chair will come in handy on all laminate/wooden/smooth surfaces. Sit in the chair like you normally would, kick your legs towards the ground and let the fun begin!
Hot Wings=Room Temp Wings: If you’ve been saving a few frozen items all year for that one special moment when you’ll need them most, you’re probably warming them up this weekend. For me, it’s hot wings, but this can be anything in your freezer. Don’t count on them being warm when you feast on them though, because you’ll either be next on the pong table, have to nurse a puking girl, decide to take a nap on your floor, or all three. No problem though, anything pizza/chicken wing-related is delicious at any temperature. Enjoy.