Wow, you?ve really ruined your life. Just kidding! You?ve only sort of ruined your life. College is already tough, and having a baby doesn?t make it any easier. Here are some handy tips for surviving college while being a good parent:

  • A standard backpack will hold a one- to three-month-old infant. You might want to leave it slightly unzipped at the top to let air and light in, but this step is completely optional.
  • If you?re a guy, people will throw the word ?deadbeat? around if you consider leaving your child. Eh, you can just change your name when you get to the pure, cleansing snows of Norway.
  • Baby food on a college budget? Don?t think so. Instead, get dining hall food and put it in a blender. Ninety percent of baby geniuses start their day with a buffalo wing smoothie and Salisbury steak bits. They have more nutrients than breast milk.
  • Baby likes shiny things, so you might want to keep wearing that sequined belt.
  • If your classes are graded on a curve, take baby to exams with you. Classmates will assume baby is some sort of precocious super-genius and copy off of his tests, even if it?s all scribbles and drool. You?ll get an A, and baby will get, at worst, a B?.
  • If baby cries a lot in the dorm, say that he?s just ?really emo? and give him black plastic glasses and wing tips. Other residents will assume they don?t understand his pain and envy his hip iPod library, which consists of four gigs of Raffi and three Radiohead B-sides.
  • You would think baby would be deadweight on an intramural basketball team, but at six to seven months an infant is developed enough to dunk a basketball when held on his parent?s shoulders.
  • It?s important not to let baby smoke. Except socially or when she?s drinking.
  • If baby wants to get her ears pierced, baby should get her ears pierced. It?s important to be supportive; she?s an adult now.
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