American patriot General George Washington, the first president of the United States, the original founding father of our country., a drafter of the Declaration of Independence and a famous Revolutionary War general. This was a noble man, and an honest man. They said he could never tell a lie, but no one ever asked him if he liked to fuck dudes. In this report, I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that George Stephanie Washington was a faggot.

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Many homosexuals enjoy partaking in oral sex, George Washington was no different. Take this account from fellow founding father Benjamin Franklin:

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"Let me just say that his teeth weren't the only wood in his mouth" (Hancock 1).

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Various accounts further enforce Franklin's claim. The majority of false wooden teeth sets were finished with a rich varnish or lacquer, which gave them their brown color. Various reports indicate that Washington's teeth were always white. How do you explain this Mr. Washington, when white paint was not invented until 30 years after your death (White 111)?

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The signs keep appearing when one looks to Washington's offspring. Question: Did Washington have one boy and two girls or two boys and one girl? Well, actually both are incorrect; the fucker never had any kids. O sorry George, I forgot you had a nephew, and your family was so scared he'd end up like you that they named him Bushrod. So let's do a recap here: General George Washington; our nation's first president and founding founder, creator of the greatest country in the world; couldn't even get a semi long enough to pound one out with Martha Washington(Peters 2)?

Many Hetero-Washington supporters have rebutted that Washington may have been firing his musket without a cartridge, which would explain his absence of children. Recent evidence from a Harvard medical study done on Washington's DNA found on a handkerchief in his boyhood home suggests that he may never have been able to father children, but not because of ineffective sperm.

The study found that his sperm boasted god-like acidity, which when contacted would have been enough to melt a small child or a 50 story building. Further evidence can found, when examining the Second Continental Congress' roster for the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Hancock's brother Strohgan was listed on the roster on July 3rd and was seen leaving with Washington at the end of the day. The next day he was found dead in a Philadelphia alleyway with his face completely melted off.

"It looked like somebody skull fucked him" stated future president Thomas Jefferson (Kason 33).

Harvard medical professor, Suka Dhong concluded that Washington could have fathered a child if he had intercourse with a robot vagina. But obviously this would have been impossible, since robot vaginas were still in their infancy in the late 1700's. Dhong stated that, "Martha Washington never would have stood a chance. In effect it would have been like fucking an erupting volcano (which has never been done (Harold 81))" (Dhong 13).

Even Washington's former slaves attested to his sexuality. Former powdered wig maker Teemus Jenkins testified in Supreme Court that he had been ordered to weave smaller powdered wigs, which Washington claimed were for a friend's daughter's dolls. Later evidence came to light that proved Washington had no friends, and the "small powdered wigs" were actually used by Washington to cover his penis in battle and on weekends. For almost 200 years historians believed that Alexander Hamilton wore make-up, but thanks to this evidence, we now know he was a cock sucker.

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Through reading this report I can only hope that you see Washington for who he truly was, a total buttfucker who sucked his way to the top of a nation by instilling fear in all with his molten hot spunk. I hope you can see his true colors are red, orange, yellow , green, blue, indigo and purple, but mostly purple. I would like to end with a quote by Winston Churchill, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference" and a quote by George Washington "Being president is gnarly, but fucking a dude in the ass and watching him melt like a candle is what I live for. Washington died ten months later after he missed his handkerchief and shot himself in the head with his own sperm. The death was ruled accidental, but many historians believe it was a suicide.

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Works Cited

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Dhong, Suka. "Magma Slinger". Harvard Medical Study. May 2007.

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Hancock, John. "The Declaration of Independence". Philadelphia: 4 July 1776.

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Harold, Richard P. "Volcanoes, Can You Fuck Em?" Freedman Press: Jul 1981. p.81-88.

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Kason, Kevin R. "Jolly Roger! The History of Skullfucking in America. Bater Press: Las Vegas. Jan 2004.

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Peters, Jason. "My 5th Grade Report on Goerge Washinton".5 Oct 2006.

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White, Mr. "Watch It Dry: A Complete History of White Paint." Bantam Books. New York: March 1944.

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