Guys, seriously, if I could give you all condoms right now, I would. But please, if you have them use them, and if you don't, go run to the Health Center at school and get like, five hundred handfuls. Because pregnancy happens. Just ask Britney Spears' 16-year old sister.

Jamie-Lynn Spears is knocked up, thanks to her spread legs and her 18-year old boyfriend's hearty teen sperm. Someone has finally out-trashed Britney, and it of course was her own kin. It must run in the family, ya'll!

Since the J-L gossip is spreading fast this week, our pal Michael K has broken it down for us at DListed. Key things to know: she's keeping her baby, she's not still with the dad, and she didn't tell Britney. Oops. Also, She's six-effing-teen.

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There is a rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z are secretly married, because B's been spotted with a mysterious tattoo on her ring finger. There's no bling quite like the kind you can't ever remove, I guess. [CelebSlam]

Tara Reid is the picture of health, if looking like death was healthy. [CelebSlam]

I hate Jessica Simpson for no good reason other than jealousy, so the fact that the entire world is shitting on her this week is the best present I could receive this holiday season. Her two shitball movies are both going straight to DVD, and the entire state of Texas hates her after she showed up at boyfriend Tony Romo's game with the Dallas Cowboys, only to jinx him into having the worst game of his career. Santa has given me exactly what I want – her demise!

Tony Parker wants us to believe so badly that he didn't cheat on his wife that he's suing the tabloid agency that started the rumors. He should probably sue his dick first, for fucking that chick. [WWTDD]

There are rumors going around that Lindsay Lohan might be getting her gay on (again) with the daughter of the dude who used to run Yahoo. I think this is all just a rumor started by Google. [WWTDD]

In more boring sperminational news, Lily Allen is ALSO pregnant, by her much older musician boyfriend. We're so thrilled! Mostly because this will hopefully mean an end to all her dumb-ass annoying songs. [WWTDD]

Ashley Tisdale, one of those teen monsters from that High School Musical franchise, got a nose job and now looks like every other asshole trying to get famous in LA. But this is good news, because hopefully it means her career will be over sooner. [DListed]

Pam Anderson set a great example for her kids this week by divorcing her husband of 2 months – Paris Hilton fucker Rick Salomon – and then getting back together with him two days later. Because really, a dude who tapes sex with a 21-year old and then sells it for millions is a keeper. [DListed]

And finally, Britney Spears continues her pathetic reign as the Queen of Trainwrecks with this photographic proof that her bod was digitally slimmed down for her latest video. Like, a lot. I hope her sister is paying attention. [IDLYITW]

Not pregnant,