I have decided that enough is enough. There is a group in this country that has had it too good for too long. Maybe you're thinking "Canadians," the "Portuguese," or "church mice." Picture those church mice. They are always so warm and snuggly in their comfy churches. So quiet, slipping in and out beyond the sight of out titanic universe.But no, the church mice aren't to blame for they have their adversaries too. Think of what happens if bits of cheese or cracker fail to fallfrom the plates of the churches' potluck dinner guests. The church mice would starve. Or what about the dreaded and seemingly omni-present"church sea snake?" They have their foes my friend, they have theirfoes.

I'm here to discuss the existence of a freeloading pariah that has somehow managed to lurk in front of our very eyes. They exist and we all know it, but they manifest themselves at a time when we are too preoccupied with stress to notice them. When our wits return to us however, they are gone. Gone, like a face in the crowd.

Today they are exposed. I am speaking of course, about the exam proctor.

Sure, I'm not the top student in my class. One thing I can say though,is that after 7 years of taking college/doctorate-level exams, I consider myself well versed in the ways of this particular entity. I would like to share my insight w/ the world: Here are the culprits you're most likely to find at any reasonable upper-level, degree granting institution.

1)The Old Proctor

As you can judge by the label, this proctor is old…really old. This proctor is so old that on an unspecified day in 3317 B.C, a Middle-Eastern medicine man filled out two birth certificates…one was for Methuselah…the other was for Old Proctor.

You know if you've had Old Proctor. Old Proctor is the proctor that takes 9 eons to read simple exam instructions that you've heard since the Iowa Standard Tests of elementary school.

"…please fill out the appropriate ovals w/ your last name first,followed by your first name. Please use a #2 pencil. If you don't havea #2 pencil, please raise your hand and one will be provided."

Let me tell you something. If you don't know by now to bring a #2 pencil to a final exam, don't even bother showing up. Secondly, ifthere is anyone out there (besides you architects) whom have ever seen a pencil that was not a #2 pencil, kill me, then yourself. Then, bring me this mysterious #1 or #6 pencil b/c I've honest to gawd never seenone before.

2)Tired Proctor

Frankly, Tired Proctor has no idea how you sprouts have the energy to take these exams.

"I'm soooooo……glad to be giving this exam at 8:30 in the morning," whines Tired Proctor.

"I'm a complicated, brooding, well-read, and mysterious thirty-five year old grad-student, and my acoustic band was playing late a Dylan-only set at the Coffee Haus last night."

Screw you Tired Proctor. I have enough to deal w/ in this exam. Just get through the instructions so I can finish and get to the bar.

3)Lewis & Clark Proctor

I know you know this one. This proctor loves nothing more than toexplore the ENTIRE CLASSROOM FOR THE FULL 3 HOURS! Constantly walking back and forth, up and down the aisles, in b/w desks or rows and usually bumping into several people during the course of the exam. Ahhh! Give it a rest Lewis & Clark Proctor! You're not getting paid enough to constantly pace around pretending to have authority. Just sitbehind the computer, play Minesweep, or finish your Thesis on the Picasso's Blue Period but leave us alone!

4)Johnny Joke-Cracking Proctor

It isn't midnight at the Apollo, but don't tell Johnny Joke-Cracking Proctor that! Johnny Joke-Cracking Proctor loves telling jokes so much,it's amazing that he isn't signed by HBO, or at least on stage right now! If you gave Johnny Joke-Cracking Proctor the choice b/w either:

A) Preventing the Holocaust; or
B) Spitting out priceless gems* during Property exam instructions…well…let's just say those 6 million people ain't comin' back to life b/c Johnny Joke-Cracking Proctor's got a crowd toentertain!

Yeah, entertain us w/ your words & wit! It's not like I've been studying for two straight weeks over feudal-property terms that haven't been relevant since Geena Davis was hot…it's not like I have no natural energy left and am running solely on caffeine and thoughts of one dayporking Alicia Silverstone (as in Alicia Silverstone circa those Aerosmith videos)…I want to hear your jokes Johnny Joke-CrackingProctor, please!

*Priceless gems include but are not limited to the following:
"Hey, I know you were all relieved when you walked in and saw I was proctoring."
"No, no it's fine, the professor wanted me to tell you there is no exam today."
"Hey, does my crotch smell like steamed carrots?"

And finally…

5)Husband & Wife Proctor

This one might be the "white whale" of exam proctors. It is truly a rarity. I've actually had the displeasure of experiencing Husband &Wife Proctor on two non-consecutive occasions. Husband & Wife Proctor is either that really old couple that everyone feels happy b/c they're still together, or they're that really cute couple that everyone feels happy for but secretly wants to get run over by a herd of bison.

They pass out the exams. If it's "cute couple" Husband & Wife Proctor, Husband makes sure to take the majority of the tests so his wife won't have to walk as far. Either that, or Wife takes all the tests and Husband sits on his ass and still manages to screw up whether the exam is open-note or not.

This might be the cute couple that is doing this to make a "little extra money," probably so they can donate a little to the Hillary Clinton campaign. You know they stretch every dollar to "make it work" and nothing's gonna stop them. They live in the city, they are making it together, they drink wine and love to hang out w/ their sophisticated friends even though they secretly loathe each other b/c they know they got married too early. They can't wait to tell their kids about their first "oh so tiny apartment" and how they drew strength from each other's love to make it through the tough times…and how looking back…the tough times are the times they truly long for.

Why won't the bison come right now?