(Try to ignore the n's, I have no idea how to get rid of them.)
This week's episode of MVW was pretty unconventional. Basically it was just a montage of all the nasty shit Bear has eaten during all three seasons of the show. That doesn't mean it's any less awesome than a regular episode, in fact it was pretty enjoyable.
Anyway, I decided to go through each individual thing that Bear ate or drank in the episode and rank them on a 1-10 scale. One represents something I probably wouldn't mind eating, ten represents something that I would probably rather die than eat. Let's get started, shall we?
Bear finds these ravioli-sized grubs wiggling around in a piece of rotting wood. They're translucent, fat, and look like they have beaks at one end. Did I mention they're f*cking enormous?? Bear says that each grub has 140 calories, and that they're a delicacy in Ecuador, but much like the Panamanian blue crab, he takes one bite, tosses it away, and proclaims, "They can keep their delicacies." I would be more likely to eat the rotting wood than the grubs.
Crucifix Spider, Australia (9.5)
This thing is f*cking terrifying. It's white, then brown, then spotted, then really really really creepy and icky. AND IT'S HUGE. The spider has to be like 3 inches from leg to leg. Ew ew ew ew ew ew. Bear casually mentions that it's somewhat poisonous, then devours it. I hate spiders.
Longhorned Beetle, Panama (6.5)
This beetle is pretty gigantic (about finger-sized), but after Bear cuts off its head, antennae, and legs it doesn't seem as formidable. I feel like I could probably stomach this if I was starving enough. Plus, Bear compares its taste to "a big prawn that's been sitting around for weeks." And a prawn is a shrimp, and I kinda like shrimp. So maybe it's not that terrible.
Sand Beetle, Sahara (4)
It's small, and not very icky as far as bugs are concerned. Bear eats it like it's nothing.
Camel Spider, Sahara (10)
One of the few bugs on earth that I would run from. It looks like some twisted experiment to splice the genes of a spider, scorpion, and Tyrannosaurus Rex. I squirmed just watching it on the television. Bear toys with the vicious killing machine before finally eating it. EW. This segment made me more squeamish than a third grader in health class. Let's just move on .still cringing
Normally this would be pretty nasty, but Bear finds a boiling hot volcanic spring to cook it in. I feel like if I boiled it for long enough, I'd be able to stomach it. Supposedly it tastes like "grizzle," which isn't much different from standard fast-food fare.
Freshwater Trout, Mexico (1)
This is one of my favorite scenes in the history of Man vs. Wild. Bear comes across a lone trout, basking in a shallow, narrow tributary. He builds small dams at either end of the stream with rocks so that the fish can't escape. Then, he does one of the most hardcore things ever: he beats it with a giant piece of driftwood. This might have been the scene that made me fall in love (platonically) with Bear. He chops off the head, guts it, and ravages what's left of the once-mighty trout with his sparkling white canines.
Panamanian Blue Crab, Panama (2.5)
The only reason I'm wary about the crab is because it causes Bear to make a face like Renee Zellweger eating a lemon. This marks the second time this episode that Bear says the exact words, "They can keep their delicacies." I'm not sure what could have been so bad about the crab, I feel like it would be decent if it was cooked. If I'm ever lost in Panama, I'm eating it to spite Bear.
Water Snake, Sierra Nevada (3.5)
It's a small, thin snake, about a foot long. Bear grabs it, bites off its head, and is digesting it within seconds. I feel like this would probably be pretty nasty to eat, but I'd do it to feel like I was as hardcore as Bear. It probably doesn't taste too horrible. By the way, if Bear ever goes on Celebrity Fear Factor, I think we can all agree the outcome would be a close victory over Chuck Norris.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 1 Bear, 1 canteen, 1 dry-heaving columnist. Why did I leave a half point open, you ask?
Fluid From Elephant Dung, Kenya (10)
I had to give myself room to differentiate between elephant waste and my own. Elephants are gigantic and adorable, but drinking water from their enormous shit pellets doesn't entice me. Soooo nasty.
Filtering Swamp Water Through His Shirt, Everglades (3)
As long as there's no bugs in it, no worries. Bear didn't seem too worried about drinking it, so it's probably fine. And it's not as though the side effects would be any different from dining hall food or Wendy's.
Rainwater, Australia (1)
HOORAY!! Pure, normal water. That was refreshing to see after watching Bear suck down elephant diarrhea and his own urine. Time for a commercial.
Tree Frog, Everglades (5)
It looks really squirmy. Plus, Bear says that each frog has five grams of fat, and I'm kinda watching my weight. Survival-induced anorexia seems like a pretty good way to drop a few pounds.
Sandfish, Sahara (7)
It's a salamander-sized lizard, and apparently it "swims" underneath the sand, giving it its name. After giving it the Marie Antoinette treatment, Bear eats the lizard raw, bones and all. It looks pretty nasty to me, but maybe I'm just content with my delicious turkey sandwich.
Fat-Tailed Scorpion, Sahara (10)
It's a scorpion. It's also one of the deadliest scorpions in the world. Bear eats it. I'm going to have nightmares just from watching that Satanic creepy-crawly scurry around, and watching Bear eat it. EW.
Bear turns completely primitive and carnal here, tearing away at a fresh zebra carcass with his teeth. It's pretty scary to watch, actually. If I was stranded with Bear, I have no doubts that he would kill me and eat me after watching the damage he did to that zebra carcass.
Raw Goat's Testicle, Sahara (10)
Camel's Hump Fat, Sahara (10)
If it's enough to make Bear Grylls vomit on camera, it's simply not edible.
Fishing Spider and Sicilian, Ecuador (10)
They're poisonous, so Bear doesn't eat them. They look pretty icky.
Giant Shroom, Ecuador (10)
Also poisonous, although Bear doesn't specify whether it's poisonous in a fun way or a deadly way.
Termites, Panama (3)
They're barely even bugs. If I could eat ants at the age of 3, I'm pretty sure I can handle some termites.
Snails, Panama (5)
They look goopy and cold. Bear says they taste like "bogeys," which means boogers. Does this mean Bear eats his boogers? We can only speculate.
Giant Freaking Grasshopper, not sure where (8)
It's so big. Probably about six inches long. Packed with protein.
Turtles are freaking awesome. The one that Bear found is pretty big, about a foot and a half from end to end. That being said, I REALLY want to eat the turtle for some reason. Bear roasts it in its shell, and it truly looks delicious once it's finished cooking. I'm not sure why I suddenly have a craving for roasted turtle, but don't let me near a pet store in the near future.
Piranha, Ecuador (2)
Bear kills three of these man-eaters with a homemade bow-and-arrow, which is pretty sweet. They actually look pretty tasty, but I'd have to be lost in a remote jungle on a Friday in order to enjoy them.
Horned Viper, Sahara (6)
This looks menacing when it's striking at the stick wielded by Bear, but once it's beheaded, skinned, cleaned, and roasted, it looks like something I'd try.
Anything to do with a camel, Sahara (10)
Bear begins by drinking the water out of the space between a dead camel's organs. EW. He then slices open the stomach and takes out rotting half-digested weeds. Naturally, he squeezes the "water" out of this into his mouth a la elephant dung. EW. Hobos wouldn't eat half the things Bear does.
Dates, Sahara (4)
I'd have this ranked at a 1, but in order to reach them Bear had to shimmy up a 30-foot palm tree, and I don't want to turn into Keith Richards.
Pine Nuts, Sierra Nevada (1)
Eskimo Potatoes, Alaska (2)
These actually look like they'd taste pretty good boiled, baked, mashed, roasted, or french-fried. But the one that Bear eats is fresh out of the ground and covered with mud, so it gets a 2.
Wallaroo Berries, Australia (1)
This is the last thing that Bear ate today, and they looked pretty lame. And by lame I of course mean delectable. I'd camp out under that bush until help arrived if I was ever lost in Australia. Bear loves them too.
So that's pretty much it for this week's episode. Man vs. Wild is on a hiatus for a bit, and the next episode will be Siberia in the dead of winter. I'll miss you guys.
By the way, be sure to check out the all-day MVW marathon on Friday. Or get hammered and go sledding, whatever.