It's awards season, once again time for Hollywood marketing gurus to gather all the positive blurbs they can for their Oscar-bait films. Critical praise, it turns out, isn't so hard to come by. One recent example:
"Absolutely magical! It's like Jesus Christ just came on my face, and I lapped up every bit of it!"
- Shawn Edwards, FOX-TV
"I cut off some of my toes with garden shears, just to use as extra thumbs!"
- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
"Knowing I would never gaze upon anything quite so wonderous as this, I gouged out my own eyes, as well as those of the gentleman next to me, as soon as the credits rolled! He'll thank me later!"
- Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
"You should be legally permitted to shoot anyone who doesn't LOVE LOVE LOVE this film. Right in the face. Are you hearing me, Congress?"
- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"(Director) Jay Russell should void his bowels on a pile of 'Schindler's List' DVDs and use the original print of 'Citizen Kane' to clean his dirty asshole!"
- Gene Shalit, NBC
"So good, I blacked out in the theater and regained consciousness eight hours later, lying face up in my backyard, covered in blood and hair! This movie made me slaughter my whole family! The worst part is, they would have loved it!!"
- Pete Hammond, Maxim