Ethan: I refuse to crown any team that lets its best defensive player and its QB wear the same jersey number. That's confusing as hell.
Amir: It's not their fault they have ten running backs and seven quarterbacks. Everybody wants a taste of the program!
Ethan: I was hoping they'd let Brian Cushing take a few snaps at QB at the end of the game for fun. USC won what was basically a home game against an obviously inferior Illinois team that a lot of people didn't think should be in the BCS. I was more impressed by how fat Emeril looked when he was doing the coin flip. I thought he might bite off a hunk of John David Booty's arm and kick it up a notch with some garlic.
Amir: BAM! Seriously, you think USC couldn't beat Ohio State? Or LSU? Or the UNBEATABLE HAWAII WARRIORS?! By the way, what happened in the Sugar Bowl? How many points did Hawaii win by? 60? 75?
Ethan: Look, the Warriors aren't bound by our mainland customs like "not wearing a lei to coach" or "having to score more points to win." I liked that even the pregame pep talk from June Jones that Fox showed was kind of like, "Um so we're about to get our asses handed to us. But we deserve to be here!"
Amir: Did you know the Hawaiian alphabet only has 8 letters, and their playbook only has two rushing plays?
Ethan: Apparently "Aloha" also means "Colt Brennan is a warmer weather Tim Couch." It's still really impressive that school with basically no recruiting budget made a BCS game. You impressed by Georgia now?
Amir: I was always impressed by Georgia. Whether it be their football team or their insistence to name every road in their state after the peach tree.
Ethan: Pretty nice win by Mizzou yesterday, right? Screw McFadden; Tony Temple's the best running back ever.
Amir: If you had him in your fantasy league, it means he got you like 52 fantasy points.
Ethan: It also means you probably shouldn't be in an obsessive college football fantasy league. What did you think of that one?
Amir: How did Arkansas put up 50 at LSU, then seven against Missouri? Maybe McFadden was hoping to slip to the Patriots at the seven spot?
Ethan: I think the shocker of the day was Michigan actually winning the big one for Lloyd.
Amir: I liked watching Carr's post game speech telling everybody in there that he loved them. As a group it's touching, but try to imagine a 62 year old man telling an 18 year old linebacker twice his weight "I love you." You think they love him back?
Ethan: Ohio State players probably love him more. I liked when Lloyd was up on the players' shoulders. It was a nice scene to see him go out a winner, but you also had to think "Careful! He's old and fragile! Those hips aren't as young as they used to be." What's your favorite bowl we haven't talked about yet?
Amir: Texas Tech coming back to beat UVA in the Gator Bowl. It featured a 96 yard rushing TD and a successful onside kick! You know what would be great though?
Ethan: If the Michigan players dropped Lloyd Carr?
Amir: Yes. And, a coach getting a Gatorade shower in the second quarter. Preferrably when they're down big. Anybody can flip into the endzone but that's confidence!
Ethan: Jim Tressel takes a bath in Riptide Rush every morning. It makes his sweater vests stick to his body a little bit, but his hair smells awesome.
Amir: Now onto athletes who play on SUNDAY, who do you like in Saturday's Wildcard games?
Ethan: Giants-Bucs could be good, but I saw yesterday the game's still not sold out. Apparently more people in Tampa would rather watch Ernest Goes to Camp than Earnest Graham go to the end zone.
Amir: Actually, Wild Card games are really boring, just tell me who you want to see the Pats and the Colts play before they play eachother.
Ethan: How can you not be excited for Seahawks-Redskins? It's um it's a football game. And that counts for something. Oh, I just heard the Pats went 16-0. Can you believe it?!
Amir: What are you rooting for: Them to lose their first playoff game after going 16-0, them losing to the Colts, them losing in the Superbowl to the Redskins, or them never losing again ever?
Ethan: I'm rooting for them to win the Super Bowl, then getting challenged by the 1972 Dolphins to one game to settle this undefeated business once and for all. Those old men are awfully pissy about their record; it's not like the Pats going 19-0 is going to make people say, "You know what? The '72 Dolphins were TERRIBLE! Let's go burn down Larry Csonka's mustache." What do you think happens to the Pats?
Amir: I wouldn't bet against them, though I'd love to see them lose. Just because Boston fans shouldn't have all the luck. You know their basketball team is pretty good too?
Ethan: Not if Lamar Odom has anything to say about it. He will spear tackle each and every member of the Celtics until they're back in the lottery.
Amir: I was at that game, and it was pretty much the highlight of the second half.
Amir: You're granted a couple years of security following a Super Bowl victory.
Ethan: "His head's so enormous he must be smart let's see where he's going with this Elvis Grbac thing "
Amir: They almost beat the Patriots after all.
Ethan: At least his former offensive coordinator Rick Neuheisel is once again gainfully employed. Couldn't UCLA have waited until after March to hire him? He has a million-dollar hunch about Duquesne as a bracket buster!
Amir: Oh please, are you telling me filling out a bracket is grounds for dismissal for a football coach?
Ethan: Apparently so. Trying to pick the play-in game is a career killer.
Amir: Even dumber was than him filling out a bracket was him going with two 15 seeds in the sweet sixteen. Now THAT's grounds for dismissal.
Amir: Their name is Idaho State, show some respect! The Cougars are the Sun Devils of college basketball, but hey, it works! Their basketball team almost made the BCS Title game.
Ethan: I'm still waiting for Billy Gillispie to yell "SIKE! All right, fooled you guys I'll start coaching now. Man, you should have seen the look on your guys' faces. Suckers." That can happen, right? That Kentucky loss to San Diego was a joke, right?
Amir: San Diego isn't necessarily good, but they are a very strong 7-9. And their 1-6 road record was VERY misleading. Also, what's below the NIT? Because the Wildcats should start looking forward to that.
Ethan: I think it's just a 3-on-3 intramural tournament. And I'm not so sure they'd win that; some of those dudes who work in the cafeteria are straight ballers.
Amir: Kendall Gill makes a mean grilled cheese.
Ethan: Got an interesting fact for us this week?
Amir: First interesting fact of the year! The Jazz were favored by six at home last week against the Blazers which made Portland the biggest underdogs with a thirteen game winning streak in NBA history!
Ethan: And they didn't even cover. Take that, Joel Przybilla! Since we didn't have a column last week, I've got a playoff fact of my own this week: Jags coach Jack Del Rio went to USC. Guess who his roommate was.
Amir: Byron Leftwich.
Ethan: I thought the trip we took to the Marshall Hall of Fame would make you remember where Byron played. Close on the bad QB, though: Sean Salisbury. Even weirder, Fred Taylor and John Clayton also lived together in college.
Amir: I thought I saw a picture of a younger John Clayton giving Freshman Fred Taylor a swirlie
Ethan: That's what happens when you don't answer the Coors Light Six Pack of Questions, newbie!
Amir: Down and give me hair! NOW, MAGGOT!
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for the Orange Bowl. Rock. Chawk. Delicious citrus.