"We're one minute into this game, and I can't be sure, but it seems the teams have broken into some sort of… some sort of slapping match. It sounds like there's contention over which side will get to play in their cooler-looking 'home' jerseys."

"Oooh, that's another flag against the Browns. That's gonna be a fifteen-yard penalty for Being a Total Homo."

"The quarterback has called a time out. There he is on the sidelines. It looks like he's… yes, he's eating a plate of microwave Bagel Bites. Wow, this announcer has seen some poorly used time outs in my announcing career, but this is simply a disaster."

"That's another interception against the Colts. Why this team's coach has let his girlfriend choose the last 5 plays is… is simply beyond me. This is indeed a sad day for sportsmanship."

"The referees have been granted the Bears another 'Do Over,' so we'll be starting this game over for the third time tonight."