For me, being chivalrous, stops at things I like to do.

I still believe in holding doors, paying for dinner, and thinking of baseball, but eventually everything a guy does for a girl on a date is a test. Like Pavlov and his dogs, we are holding scientific experiments to see exactly what happens when we do A. Does she B start to drool, C cry uncontrollably, or D some kind of sexy combination of both? The following are a selection of those tests that I personally apply in dating situations.

Opening Her Car Door: This may be a lost art kept going by those of us who drive the same shit car we had in high school, as this test does not work if you unlock the doors electronically from across the parking lot. Unlocking and opening the car door for your ladyfriend is a simple gesture she will greatly appreciate. The test comes in when she is securely in your vehicle and you are maneuvering to the driver's side – does she unlock your door? If the answer is yes, marry her. Sadly, no girls will think of unlocking your door. Even if you have electronic locks and all she has to do push the GOD DAMN BUTTON BY YOUR RIGHT HAND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ITS FRIGGIN RAINING; she will not. If brought to her attention most will claim she couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors. If that were true, you're getting lucky that night, because she's dumb as a brick.

Picking a Movie: This test is very simple in its delivery. Don't care. At least, act like you don't care. Sure, the unrated edition of Saw IV just came out on DVD, and you've been dying to see what kind of 'disemboweling a bear with a pair of nail clippers looking for the digital camera hidden inside with the picture of the combination to the lock on the safe filled with eyeballs stuck in jello where the antidote is kept' scene they could add to that movie to make it more gory, but give her a chance to pick. If she picks out a movie you have even the remote possibility of liking, you marry her! But she won't. She will ultimately pick some Keira Knightely movie set in the 18th Century where she doesn't have the common decency to get naked. For having to sit through the two-hour bore-fest, someone best be getting naked, that's for sure.

Telling Her of a Loved One's Passing: This works great if you tell her its your Great Aunt from upstate NY whose funeral is set for next Friday and all hopes are she kicks the bucket by then because it's hard to get your deposit back from the funeral home. But it works even better if you tell her its her Great Aunt that has died. She will feel an instant connection because one of her first thoughts will be how you knew before she did. Be there for her. Losing a relative can be a tough time for anyone, even if its not true, but especially tough if you had anything to do with it for purposes of this test. Trying to decide whether to spend months getting to know a girl is a big commitment and if you're not willing to set a neighborhood of houses on fire because you're not quite sure if Aunt Mildred lived at 143 Ostroski Rd or 193, then you don't belong in the dating pool in the first place.

These tests will not 100% determine if she's The One, but you'll be better off with the knowledge you gain from their use.