Ethan: Peyton finally won the big one last year, and now this crushing failure. I admit that I thought he'd never stumble again, but what I saw last weekend made me wonder if we've been overrating him. I'm referring, of course, to that terrible Oreo commercial.
Amir: The Charger game was equally demoralizing don't you think?
Ethan: Whatever, there's no shame in losing to the best. And according to Billy Volek's mom, he's the best QB in the NFL. Is Phil Rivers as big of an ass as he seems?
Amir: I can't tell if I think he's an ass or if he's just awesome. Shouting at the crowd after a victory is very wrestling-chic, it just seems kind of stupid that he's doing it while injured on the sidelines. "Darren Sproles totally OWNED ALL Y'ALL!"
Ethan: I liked that in the first round he was screaming at teammates after he screwed up. "WHY CAN'T YOU IDIOTS MAKE ME BETTER AT FOOTBALL?!"
Amir: He was yelling at his arms.
Ethan: I wish Tom Brady would take on Rivers' persona. He'd be the greatest villain since the Iron Sheik. Speaking of Brady, what a choke artist. Two incompletions? Nice try, Regular Season Wonder.
Amir: Shoulda been 27, but SOMEBODY (Wes Welker) decided to drop a pass on third and short. My favorite part is how livid Brady looked. He was ready to ship his ass back to Miami on fourth down. At the end, he regained his cool and gave Wes a nice head rub which I'm sure was to indicate to Belichick who to trade in the offseason. The kiss of death.
Ethan: That was worse than the day Welker realized "possession receiver" is announcer code for "white receiver."
Amir: I miss Ed McCaffrey.
Ethan: Can you believe the Cowboys lost? I, for one, feel bad for all those popcorn vendors who'd been told to get ready for a long playoff run.
Amir: I don't know whether to blame Romo, Jessica Simpson or Wade Phillips. Though Jerry Jones can only fire one of them. Sorry Jessica, better luck with another QB.
Ethan: I want for Romo to break down and yell, "You know, Witten was in Mexico, too! He's even sunburned; you just can't tell because his face is always this red!" How do you think Romo told Jessica to not come to the game?
Amir: "Yeah, totally, got you that box seat babe but umm God crazy idea, maybe you should watch the game at home on this NEW HDTV I GOT YOU!!!"
Ethan: "It's just like being there. In fact, it's BETTER than being there. It's like being there, but with Joe Buck! You know, nevermind, the game just got cancelled. Sorry. Still going to Applebee's on Monday night, right?"
Amir: "Yes, I told you, we're going back to Mexico as soon as possible. I'll do my best."
Ethan: Somewhere, Julius Jones is telling himself this is definitive proof that he was the lynchpin to the Cowboys' success this season. Now that Eli's won the, um, Medium One, what are you more excited for: the game itself or the numerous shots of Peyton uncomfortably sitting in the stands?
Amir: You think Tom Caughlin is asking Eli if his bro is down to play. "Just a quarter, or a half or whatever. i mean, the jersey just says MANNING."
Ethan: No way, Eli's coming into his own. And he's so emotionally jacked for the NFC Championship game he's well, he's blankly staring into the distance like he always does. But he's doing it passionately! Can they beat the Pack?
Amir: Yeah. I can't decide who has a better chance of beating the Patriots though, so I don't know who to root for. Did you hear Igor Olshansky said that the Patriots were more worried than the Chargers are?
Ethan: That's what it sounded like, but he was actually ordering a sandwich in his native Ukrainian. Or Norv Turner's not the dumbest guy in that locker room. One of those two. How badly do the Pats beat the Chargers?
Amir: Depends on how healthy LT and Rivers are. But I'm guessing between 7-45 points. You know, the usual. Speaking of teams that aren't ever going to win a championship, how well does Ohio State have to do to get invited back to the BCS Championship game?
Ethan: Their schedule next season is tougher than this year, so maybe they can impress voters by beating USC by something in the low four digits. That's reasonable, right? Just like 1045-9 or something.
Amir: If you get invited to a party two years in a row, and just start shitting everywhere, you think you're going to get invited back for a third time? Fool me thrice, shame on everybody?
Ethan: Really, it depends on how good you are at beer pong. I'm guessing in Jim Tressel's case, the answer is "not very."
Amir: At least we know who the best team in America is LSUSC.
Ethan: Hey, going to go watch the tape of the USC-Stanford game, brb K, thanks for waiting. Yeah, USC's definitely as good as you keep claiming. LSU is obviously the best team. By the end of the championship game, Les Miles didn't even need to coach. He was sitting on the sidelines trying to figure out how Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person.
Amir: No love for Georgia?
Ethan: Let's just make a clean David Segui to baseball. What was your favorite part of yesterday's Congressional hearing? Mine was when I decided not to watch it.
Amir: Is baseball not boring enough? What are they trying to do here? Give me an example of something more boring than Bud Selig in court.
Ethan: I I can't. How great is the Scott Rolen-Troy Glaus swap? One of the teams is probably going to flip their part for an even more injured white first baseman: Ken Caminiti.
Amir: Speaking of the best team in the Western Conference, THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS ARE ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
Ethan: Tell that to Andrew Bynum's kneecap. You'll have to find it first.
Amir: Yeah, the sad part is, they are only 4 games ahead of the 8th seed, and have the Suns/Spurs/Mavs/Cavs coming up before a nine game road trip which starts in Detroit. It was fun while it lasted! You think the Celtics are tanking? After last year, maybe that's all they know
Ethan: Homecourt advantage is nice and all, but come on, how often do you get a chance to draft Michael Beasley? Did you see that Mississippi Stat's Jarvis Varnado had a triple double with blocks last night? And the last thing he needed for finish it off was points?
Amir: The old fashioned way.
Ethan: The Mutombo way. Any other college hoops thoughts this week? I watched the Carolina-NC State game and all I could think was that Sidney Lowe's red blazer makes him look like an usher at a movie theater. A theater with serious problems scoring points.
Amir: Speaking of problems scoring points, did you hear Saint Louis scored 20 points against George Washington last week? Seven points in the first half.
Ethan: Coach Rick Majerus took most of the first half off to go get a snack, and the concession stand lines were just so long.
Amir: Team leaders: B. Husak with 5 points. B. Eberhardt with 1 assist.
Ethan: Somebody's getting a game ball! Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: As sad as that game was, it wasn't quite the lowest scoring game in modern NCAA history. That would belong to Monmouth and Princeton who played an exciting 41-21 game in 2005.
Ethan: The Battle for the Heart of Jersey. Until next week, get excited for the Australian Open!
Amir: I hear the kid who threw that awesome party is favored to win!