SEATTLE, WA – In a statement made to reporters last week, Dave Matthews of the Dave Matthews Band stated that he and his band are "more popular than The Beatles now". The statement infuriated Beatles enthusiasts and others around the country. The statement is perhaps the most controversial since John Lennon claimed the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, which actually turned out to be true.


Rev. Al Sharpton called for immediate actions towards punishing the band, most notably Dave Matthews, for making the comments. Rev. Sharpton is pressuring RCA records, the label that represents the band, to cut all ties with DMB. Sharpton has filed a slander lawsuit against Matthews. But once Rev. Sharpton was informed that none of the Beatles were black, he subsequently dropped the lawsuit.

Americans are not alone in standing up for the beloved Beatles. Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair put his two pence in. When asked for his opinion about the comments Dave Matthews made, he replied "I think Manchester United played sub-par defense in their last match." While reporters tried to figure out what the fuck he was talking about, Blair went on to discuss his concerns about the club's need for a stronger left midfielder for a half-hour.

President Bush, in his weekly radio address said "Dave Matthews' actions, along with his Band of terrorists, can not and will not be tolerated. They are a threat to this free nation, and tomorrow, after Cheney and I shoot some hoops, I will decide if we should invade Dave Matthews Band."

Everyone from Hollywood to the White House had their take on this hot button issue. Actor Gary Busey said "I can't believe I'm actually being interviewed."

Dave Matthews Band has cancelled their upcoming North American tour, much to the dismay of laid-back chill people everywhere who just want to get down with some tasty jams.


Battle of the Bands

Oh shit! Rock Off Challenge! To settle the issue once and for all, unscientific facts and statistics have been metaphorically pulled out of my ass and compared, so we may finally find out who is better: Dave Matthews Band, or The Beatles.

Standard of Error: many %

Albums sold:
DMB: Infinity
The Beatles: Infinity x Infinity

Teenage girls boned:
DMB: Ok how high can you count? Wow that's a lot.
The Beatles: Ok, double it.

Blunts smoked:
DMB: 4,321
The Beatles: 1,234 whoooa… far out

Illegitimate kids fathered as a result of boning teenage girls:
DMB: 3
The Beatles: 7 (all Ringo)

Spelling of "Color":
DMB: color
The Beatles: colour

And the winner is…
Final Call:
Still too close too call. The Beatles maybe? I don't know… they did write a song about a Walrus. Goo goo g'joob.