Most of the 2008 presidential candidates are seated at a large round table in Portsmouth Diner. The spread is impressive; warming trays overflow with pancakes and bacon, and there is a made-to-order omelet station. The omelet chef's name is Winifred. This is irrelevant. The candidates engage in small-talk.


Dennis Kucinich: Hello everybody! Got room for one more?

Giuliani, Clinton, Thompson, MSNBC: No.

Kucinich exits.

Mitt Romney: So like I was saying, it's really great that all of us could take time out of our campaigns to have this amicable meal together.

John McCain: Actually, you weren't saying that. You said 11 minutes ago, and I quote, "This whole brunch is a royal pain-in-the-ass, I wish my PR guys didn't make me go to this stupid thing, f*ck liberty." And that, Mr. Romney, is precisely the kind of attitude that brought Hitler to power.

Mitt Romney: I think you're taking that out of-

Ron Paul: (Scowling, incoherent muttering)

Barack Obama: Now, now, I think that we can all agree that the reason we're here is because we want change for the American people. Whether it be change through tax reform, change brought about by withdrawal from Iraq, or change from electing a black man, it's apparent to me that the citizens of this country want change. Change. CHANGE. Thank you.

Rudy Giuliani: And you know what "change" reminds me of? It reminds me of how everyone's lives changed on the day of September 11, 2001. I was mayor of New York City during that time, so I think that I would know change better than anyone else here. Also, I am polling in the low single digits nationally.

John Edwards: (Smiling, gazing intently into security camera)

Fred Thompson drinks a giant bowl of Rice Krispies.

Hillary Clinton: (Fighting back tears) Some idiots are going to think that I'm more passionate about this race just because, like all women, I'm capable of crying at a moment's notice. So, to even the playing field, I've decided to make disparaging remarks about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ron Paul timidly raises his hand.

Barack Obama: Why, thank you Hillary, that's very gracious of you. Out of gratitude, I will openly discuss my past drug use.

Mitt Romney: I find your drug use to be despicable, Mr. Obama. I, for one, have not so much as seen narcotics in all my 60 years. This may or may not be related to the fact that I am a Mormon.

Ron Paul lowers his hand.

Mike Huckabee: Let's say grace.

Fred Thompson begrudgingly puts down a half-eaten Belgian waffle, rolled up to contain bacon, syrup, scrambled eggs, blueberries and whipped cream.

Mike Huckabee: Lord we thank you for bringing us together today, and for this bountiful feast set before us. We also thank you for granting me the divine right to be the next president of the United States of America. In Christ we pr-

Fred Thompson: Amen.

Ron Paul: I really think that we're all ignoring the major issues that are at hand here, namely that the Congress never declared war against the Iraq.

Hillary Clinton: It's brunch, Ron, let it go.

Ron Paul: (Muttering) Commie bitch.