As narrated by Some British Guy
In the early morning of a brisk January day, excitement stirs on the vast campuses of the North American universities. Millions of sleepy-eyed forms, as if drawn by some internal magnetic force, migrate from the sleeping caves of the dormitories and ramshackle off-campus housing to the poorly-heated caverns of the Hubbard Humanities Hall, Schneider Social Sciences Shack, and other alliterative abodes.
It is the Great Migration of the College Students.
Unique to the Western Hemisphere, the American college student is a savage and intriguing creature, itself a study in contrasts, an amalgamation of conflicting paradigms. Studied by many, understood by few, the college student has evolved a bizarre social structure and ritual hierarchy that baffles researchers to this day.
Unlike its distant cousin, the I'm-Just-Gonna-Take-A-Year-Off-To-Find-Myself-But-Really-End-Up-As-Assistant-Manager-of-Joe's-Tire-And-Lube guy, the college student typically leaves its hometown in search of mating and socializing oppurtunities. With this departure comes trauma.
Although the typical American college student leaves the home burrow at 18 years of age, it is still dependent on its mother for food. And money. With no useful skills to help it survive in the cutthroat world of English Literature or Physical Education, the college student must play a primal waiting game for at least 4 years, until it has accumulated enough credits to earn a mostly useless diploma, or has exhausted all avenues of financial support and is forced to work at a local strip club to "pay for like, books and shit".
1 in3 college students do not last more than a year on the unforgiving campus.
But for those who persevere, with keenly honed cheating and copying skills, the college campus is an abundant paradise, with mating and recreational opportunities en masse. Like other primates, socialization is an important component of daily life for the college student.
At the height of the lunar cycle, when the moon's gravitational pull triggers an instinctive craving for Ben and Jerry's and frozen pizza, overweight female college students converge like locusts on the campus cafeterias, determined to eat their fill.
Although slow of foot and dim of mind, these ravenous scavengers can eat up to 75% of their body weight in a single sitting, with nearly none of the sustenance containing any nutritional value, other than trans-fat and sodium. The ability to not only survive but flourish on this curious food source continues to puzzle researchers in the modern era.
Once the ritual stuffing of the face has commenced, it is only a short time before the cafeteria becomes stripped of food, and the overweight females must retreat to their sleeping burrows, to eat Movie-Theater-Butter microwave popcorn and watch Grey's Anatomy while, curiously, drinking Diet Coke.
Free from the boorish advances of dominant males looking for mates, the overweight females are content to live a relatively peaceful and stable existence. Wrapped in thick, protective layers of blubber and Uggz boots, the North American snow-cow settles in for a long hibernation, surrounded by Evanescence records and pictures of cats.
Tomorrow the struggle for survival begins anew, and in the wily college student's habitat, a new day means new adventures.
Next Week: A look at the bizarre lives of an endangered breed of college student known as the tye-dyed hippy, once numbering in the tens of millions but now reduced to a fraction of their former population by destruction of natural disc-golf habitat, a decline in the popularity of acoustic guitar, and hunting.