(Dan comes to pick up his smoking hot girlfriend, Jessica, for their junior prom.)



D: Wow, you look beautiful, Jess!

J(blushes): My hair didn't come out right, and this dress makes me look like a cow…

D: Nonsense, you're gorgeous. You ready to go? The limo is waiting.

J: Hold on, I have to go grab my purse. (goes upstairs)

Chris Hansen: Hello Daniel.

D: Uh… hey there Mr. Hansen!

CH: Call me Chris, Chris Hansen… What are you doing here Daniel?

D: Well, me and Jessica were getting ready to go to prom, and we're running kinda la-

CH: Why don't you a seat? Let's talk all about this Daniel…first of all, do you know how old Jessica is?

D: Uhh… 16?

CH: 16? You come into this house, ready to have at it withan innocent 16 year-old… that's what we call statutory rape Daniel.

D: We're just going to dance, mingle… you know, have a good time.

CH: And yet, here you are, with your black Rent-a-tux, your Old Spice Cologne, a cheap corsage your neighbor made for you, and a vest softer than a baby's behind. Looking to "have a good time" indeed.

D: Um… I don't quite follow you…

CH: Let me read you some online conversations between you,Dantheman69, and Jessica, sweetangel14. Here, you say "Last night was magical, babe".And later, the quote "Let's get down to business." This is damning evidence son. We can sit here and talk all day, but you're going to have to leave eventually. The police are waiting outside.

J (reemerges from upstairs): WHAT THE HELL DADDY?!?

CH: Calm down sweetie, I'm just setting Daniel straight here. He needs to know about the justice system, and what happens to people like him.

J: This is why I can't bring boys home! Do you remember Jason Michaels?

CH: Now hold on one minute, Jason is currently out on parole. And I may be old, but I'm smart enough to know what "going for a milkshake" is. Kelis taught me all about that.

J: His dad owned a malt shop!

CH: That's neither here nor there, sweetie. Don't paint me as the bad guy here! I have these online conversations in front of me, and th-

J: You've been copying my AIM conversations? Isn't that an invasion of privacy or something?

CH: Ok, three things. One, I'm your father. Two, I'm Chris Hansen. Three, Net Nanny is installed to help you, not harm you. I've spent my whole life trying to make the world a safer place, keeping perverts like Daniel here off the street.

D: I'm a born-again Christian, sir. I don't believe in premarital sex.

CH: Ha, a likely story.

D: I'm all about taking it slow, I didn't even let Jessica hold my hand until our third date.

CH: That sounds pretty fishy…

D: I lost my dick in a freak accident involving a lawnmower and an escaped chimpanzee.

CH: Well, I guess I was a little hard on you… I just want my baby to be safe, you know?

D: I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole Mr. Hansen.

J (rolls eyes): C'mon Dan, let's go.

CH: Good idea Jess, I need you guys to get that limo out of the way anyways, I've got PoPeBonerDICT666 coming in 15 minutes. Seems that NaughtyAltarboy32 has to confess some sins, and is looking for some penance all over his fa-

J: GOODBYE DAD!