The episode was pretty awesome. Not gonna lie, I've been a little bit buzzed for the past, like, four hours, but I can still objectively determine that it was a lot better than last week's episode.
We open on a tiny little old lady (Magda) and her late-30s male companion (husband), Jeff. They've apparently been married for 21 years, even though Jeff looks like Brendan Frasier in Blast from the Past and Magda looks like a California Raisin. Sean and Christian find this as disparaging as I do. The reason they are there for a consultation is that in the 1980s, having no body hair was all the rage. So were cocaine and leg warmers, and guess what? They're all three making a comeback. Anyway, Jeff has no body hair. Magda wishes he did. So he's there to get a hair transplant and also a little baby facelift, because why not? Then Magda passes out for like three minutes, and Jeff tells Sean and Christian how unhappy he is in the marriage, and they're like, "For serious? You're unhappy being married to a child-sized tower of crepe paper? Elucidate."
Back on H&S, because I guess that's an integral part of the show again, Dr. Aiden Stone's character has been blinded by a river. Maybe pirhanas ate his eyeballs or something? I didn't really catch it. Like I said earlier, I've been a little bit drunk for several hours. Anyway, he's blinded temporarily, so Sean's character has to "be his eyes." Also Kate is back, so whatever. Also she's "dating a black guy now," which means that she is cool and also has a stretched-out vagina, plus she probably smokes a lot of pot. Black people love marijuana, or so rap music would lead me to believe. I don't know first hand; I've never actually seen one in real life.
This lady named Colleen Rose shows up, and she looks sort of like that lady who used to be in the Old Navy commercials who would say, "Fabulous!" or whatever. You know, with the big glasses? And the very very platinum hair? That's what this lady looks like, only she sort of also reminds me of Glenn Close. I think because of the hair and because she's an older white lady. Anyway, she's a talent agent, and she asks Sean if he would like to be her client, and he's like, "Oh, mercy, no!" but then Freddy tells him to come in at 6 AM for a reshoot and Colleen Rose is like, "Oh no you di'in't! My client won't be skipping out on being a real, live doctor so that you can film your crap-ass little tv show!" (I'm paraphrasing.) Freddy is chastised, and Sean takes CR on as an agent. Also she keeps her business cards in a purse that looks like a tiny bear. What a weirdo/person who is good at finding cool shit at flea markets.
Eden shows up on set to be sexy. I think she's fleshed out a little bit since last we saw her. Her arms don't look like they might fall out of her shoulder sockets anymore, at least. Dr. Aiden Stone sees her and his eyes do that cartoon A-OOO-GAH thing where they pop out of his head like 2 feet and then snap back in.
Julia is at the doctor complaining about being a stupid whore. Christian is with her. He looks bored. The doctor is like, "Well, you're not sick with anything real. It could be: very rare cancer or the HIV." Christian is like, "Please let it be rare cancer," but Julia is all, "I know that you gave me the HIV, Chris-chi-an," and the doctor is like, "Let's not get crazy, now," but it's too late. Julia has already made up her mind to get a HIV test for both her and Christian, and there's nothing anyone else can do about it.
Meanwhile, at the workplace, Gina has made Christian coffee, she's taken all his messages, she buffed his car or something everything that a normal receptionist probably does, but I wouldn't know, because I've never worked a day in my life. Christian is all, "What's all this, then?" and Gina's all, "Just doing my job, definitely nothing malicious at all going on here." Naively, we all believe her.
They perform surgery on Jeff, which is boring. Sean's agent calls, which is also boring. Christian makes a stupid joke along the lines of, "I thought you had to have TALENT to hire a talent agent!" No one laughs, so he follows up with: "Am I right? Eh?"
Eden and Dr. Aiden Stone had sex in Dr. Aiden Stone's trailer for all of 3 seconds before he prematurely ejaculated. So it goes sometimes. The entire school board in charge of H&S is there, including Sean and that awesome deaf actress who's on The L Word, but who was also on Law & Order: CSI one time for having a suicide website. She speaks in this scene with much more of a deaf person voice than she normally has. Anyway, she and Bette are totally back together and who knows what's going to happen with Bette and Tina and Angelica?! Do you guys watch The L Word? I never did, but then this summer I lived with a lesbian couple and they got me hooked. It's a pretty good show, if you can stomach all the girls kissing each other's boobs all the time.
because of the anti-Semitic comments he made while porking Eden (which were caught on hidden camera, which I guess Eden set up, because I guess she's just this generic force of evil than can be used to create conflict at any time the writers deem it necessary), Dr. Aiden Stone gets temporarily fired (because the video will totes be all over youtube in, like, 3 hours or something), and Sean gets to take his place as heart throb of the gays and star of the show. Dr. Aiden Stone is incensed by this news, and warns Sean that he's "dealing with the devil." I remain unconvinced that Dr. Aiden Stone could possibly be very evil, despite his "Dante's Infernal" party. A truly evil person would probably use less adjectives and more Latin.
Jeff awakens from surgery and admires his new Tom Selleck mustache, which is not actually a very good look on anyone but Mr. Selleck, it turns out. He vents that "it's suffocating to be someone's caretaker," which begs the question of this episode, "Am I my brother's/elderly wife's/sick girlfriend's keeper?" The answer across the boards appears to be "only when convenient for me."
Back on the H&S set, Sean begins his new role as Big Huge TV Movie Star in an episode with an Hispanic baseball player who thinks he's possessed by the devil because he has a tail. The tail is pretty sweet looking. Everything else is Scooby-Doo-like hijinks borrowed from The Exorcist and explained by everyone in the operating room being a dumb, clumsy fuck. Freddy and Colleen Rose both think that Sean is the best new TV actor ever in the history of TV. Even better than Fred Savage as Kevin Arnold? Apparently. Even better than Ben Savage as Corey Matthews? Definitely, but more importantly, wouldn't it suck if you had to follow in Kevin Arnold's footsteps? I mean, not like, the character of Kevin Arnold, since he was pretty square, but if you brother played Kevin Arnold? How the hell are you supposed to live up to that? Especially if, like in Ben's case, you're a much uglier child than your brother? Plus Fred was in The Princess Bride. God, I'm glad I'm the oldest.
Gina makes Christian have sex with a prostitute while she watches. This reminds me of what Burt did with Michelle and Christian, except it's a little bit less gross, because Gina isn't an 80-year-old man and the prostitute isn't a black kidney thief. She makes him kiss her and then everyone collapses in a giant heap of orgasms. That must be the life. J/K sex is gross.
Christian stops by to see Julia, who is way sick, and still a raging cunt. I blocked out most of this scene, but I do remember that Christian had little devil horns in his hair, because he's probably the devil. Everyone is probably the devil a little bit, but especially Christian, because he's cheating on his girlfriend of two weeks who has explosive diarrhea.
Jeff is recovered and plans to leave Magda, but she offers him a Bentley and an extra $500/week, so he stays with her. That's so sad for both of them.
Sean and Colleen Rose are out for dinner, and Colleen Rose is DRUNK! Then they're in the car on the way home, and she's so drunk that she pulls out her BOOBS! And tells Sean to feel them! And he's like, "Gross, Cruella deVille!" and she's like, "I am a sad and lonely person, just like we all are," and he's like, "Get the fuck out of my car." Then it turns out that it wasn't her house afterall. Wah-wah-wahhh.
Magda has some awesome old-person sex on top of Jeff, who is in a recovery bed still. He's all, "Slow down," and she's all, "NEVER!" and he's all, "Fine then, I'll just have a stroke or something and apparently die!" and she's like, "Fine!" Except she also looks confused, because she wasn't really expecting him to do it.
Julia calls the office to complain about how much of a cunt she is, and Gina is all, "Sorry, Christian isn't here right now!" It's pretty clear that Gina is trying to keep Julia and Christian apart, because I guess she really wants Christian still, despite the fact that he's gained, like, 65 pounds since last she saw him. Anyway, she shows up at Julia's house with roses. Gina is dressed in black, because she's bad, and Julia is dressed in white, because hopefully she will die soon. Gina tells Julia that she's probably got the HIV, and plus Christian is having an affair. Julia looks horrible and ugly and she's like, "No way! Who would cheat on this?" and Gina's like, "Um
anyone." Then Christian shows up and he's all, "Gina is a horrible liar," and Gina is like, "Oh, PS? He's having the affair with me." Then she leaves. Then Christian tries to amend things with Julia, but she yells at him for not spending every waking minute sitting by her bed and feelings sorry for her because she's sick. Then he throws the test results at her, and she sees that neither of them has the HIV. Then Christian says something along the lines of, "Julia, you are a high-maintenance, self-absorbed cunt, and I am sick of dealing with you." Or something. Then she suggests that perhaps the relationship will not work out after all. Food for thought.
Back at the office, Magda has a new beau, Jeff having been reduced by seizure or anneurism to a vegetative state. This new guy needs a chin reduction, I guess. Sean and Christian try to tell Magda that it's too soon, since her husband isn't even hooked up to all his tubes yet, but she insists that "you get nothing from the past," you don't know about the future, but today is a present, so open it, and hopefully it will have a 30-something man in it. Sean and Christian seem to take this to heart. All of it.
Colleen Rose shows up on the set of H&S with Jamba Juice, which Sean accepts, but then he tells her to get the fuck away from him so that he can go have sex with some cute extra. Just like that Dr. Aiden Stone, he is. It's only a matter of time now before Colleen Rose is star of H&S! Nah, it'll probably remain Sean for a while. Colleen Rose isn't terribly attractive, especially to gays.
Christian meets Gina on a rooftop for dinner. The first course is a condom. A GOLDEN condom. In case anyone has forgotten, Gina and Christian met at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting a long time ago. They are both Sexaholics the worst kind of -aholic there is. Christian serves Gina with a restraining order, and she begs him to have sex with her one last time: "Just stick it in! Just the tip! Just a little bit!" Then Christian just sticks the tip in a little bit, and as he thrusts, Gina falls to her death. She claims that sex is love, that just the tip is love. I dunno. Love probably also involves the shaft.
But yeah, anyway, Gina is dead, so
that's weird. Nip/Tuck is heating up again! Next week: Christian has to explain to Wilbur that 1) Christian is the man with whom Wilbur apparently lives, and 2) That Wilbur's mommy, whom he's never seen, is dead. Awwwwkward.