My fellow floormates,
The previous semester brought with it many issues which affected our floor. These issues spanned a variety of topics, several of which I will discuss here tonight. We have tried to fix these issues, yet some still remain. Here is the state of our dorm.
Last semester, the issue regarding our floor's dependence on Coke products has been brought to my attention. I have brought this issue before the Student Government Association, and their partisan squabbling has produced nothing. With my Soda Diversity Act, our floor has successfully brought many different brands of sodas into circulation, most notably Mountain Dew Game Fuel and Jones Soda varieties. With your help, I promise to increase soda circulation and end our dependence on Coke products forever.
I have asked the smelly kid to take a shower, and I am proud to report success on this front. This past week I saw him walk into the community showers not once, but twice! I have set a timetable with him to ensure that his side of the hall will be smell free by mid-March.
Last semester, only 4 girls entered our common area. Our floor decided this was a problem, so in November we tried to take the issue head on at the Female Attraction Conference. The problems we discussed included LAN parties held in the common area, the Jean-shorts guy, and the RA's repeated attempts at hitting on our potential women. These problems were addressed, and I am pleased to say that the jean-shorts guy has switched to cargo shorts. This is a big step, but further actions need to be taken to cut down the LAN parties. The gamers must realize that Halo 3 is a female deterrent, not an attractant. They have voted against my Alternative Gaming Location bill, so now we are faced with a serious problem. I pray that the gamers will put down their controllers before its too late.
While our repeated attempts at stifling our RA's douchebaggery have been good, we need to step up our game. Every day, girls are repelled from the common area because the RA is watching Fresh Prince re-runs there. Every day, numerous dudes on our floor are denied the right to speak with a potential make-out buddy because of the RA's presence. In two weeks I plan to propose the RA Annoyance Act. This act is aimed at pranking the RA as much as possible so he focuses his efforts not on hitting on girls, but defending himself from having his room filled with newspaper, his door phonebooked, and his term papers dumped out into the hall. If this act passes, I can assure the residents of this hall that girl visitations will increase tenfold. We must confine him to his room, and focus his attention to other hobbies such as World of Warcraft and Magic: The Gathering.
In the coming semester, I plan to launch Operation Bathroom Watch; a bathroom monitoring campaign with the main focus of locating the Mystery Crapper and his toilet paper-stealing allies.No longer will our toilets be clogged up by this bathroom terrorist. No longer will we deal with a stench worse than the smelly kid. No longer will dudes who need to take massive dumps do so without stocked toilet paper. The problem has gone on too long and it must be confronted. Bathroom terrorism is on the rise in 3 dorms, and I will not let it infect our floor anymore.
With the Intramural Activity Stimulus bill passed last September, our floor increased athletic training, leading to three intramural championships. Our victories in Ultimate Frisbee, Soccer, and Ping-Pong brought much needed attention to our dorm, and I am now ecstatic to say that our floor is being heavily recruited by frats to join their teams for Flag Football and Basketball. It is our duty to continue our training, and not to be distracted by the allure of the Xbox.
In closing, our floor has undergone many changes over the past semester. These changes are good, but many more need to happen. I promise, as long as I stay your floor leader, that I will make these changes a reality. I will lead this floor to glory, and we will be triumphant gentlemen oh yes we will be triumphant. Thank you and goodnight.