When I used to go to Tulane, my boyfriend and I would watch Nip/Tuck together every week. If an episode was really good, like if 8 people died or Quentin had no penis or Matt had to cut off a pre-op tranny's penis, afterwards we would play-strangle each other. It looked like when Homer Simpson strangles Bart and Bart strangles back, on the few occasions that that happens, except that instead of anger, our motivation was that we were so excited that they only way we could express our excitement was through mutual strangulation. If he were here instead of in that craphole New Orleans, we'd totally be strangling each other right now. That was all a lot of words to say that tonight's episode was kickass. Way more kickass than I've seen in a while. For this glorious hour, at least, Nip/Tuck was back to early Season 3 form.
The episode starts off with Christian being all snappy at Sean because he's still anxious about having fucked Gina off a rooftop and into the afterlife. Sean is all, "Whatevs."
A couple is in their office to see them. They just got back from their honeymoon, which was a little more National Lampoon's Vacation-meets-Ravenous than they'd expected. Specifically, the husband sucks at driving, so he veered off a mountain road into a ravine, and they were stranded in their car in the snow for 10 days. Sean and Christian are like, "Sucks," and the couple is like, "Totes." The husband has some shallow, oblong wounds on his forearm. At first he plays it cool, like, "I must have cut my arm on the dashboard," but everyone can see the hungry look in his wife's eyes. She's like, "No, baby, we gotta keep it real," and he's all, "But aren't you grossed out just talking about it?" and she's like, "Nah, dude, I'm solid. I definitely won't hurl." Then they tell Sean and Christian the story of how they were trapped in the car, and the wife is a whiney hypoglycemic bitch, but they were on their honeymoon, so they're still really in love, so the husband cut off pieces of his flesh and cooked them over the car lighter and fed them to her. Aww, true love. They're cute.
She's all, "You must think I'm such a monster, but you have NO IDEA what you would do to survive until it happens to you." Then she totally hurls into the trash can. I think it was left over stage vomit from the possessed Hispanic guy on H&S last week. It looked a lot like pea soup. Also, Survival is the theme, obvi. Normally I would complain that the writers presented this one like a thesis statement, but the episode is good, so I'll let it go. Also, I would definitely eat another person's flesh even if I wasn't hungry. I would eat even more if they were hungry.
The husband's surgery is one of the better ones that I can remember. There are a lot of close-ups of the wounds, which look really good and delicious Can we talk seriously for a second? There's this Bodies exhibit that's been touring science centers and museums in a lot of major cities, and I saw it over the summer for no other reason than that in the ad on the subway, the muscles on the body looked succulent. Seriously, just like delicious raw steaks. I was really disappointed when I got to the exhibit and the bodies were all dried out and the muscles were brownish. The blood room is really beautiful, though, and there's a room full of aborted babies, so I recommend it to everyone, but don't go there with the aim to work up an appetite.
During surgery, the crew talks about Gina's bizarre and sudden "suicide" and whether or not Christian has broken it to Wilbur yet. Surprise! he has not. They suggest that he go ahead and do that immediately.
So he does. Christian shows up at Wilbur's magical LA preschool, where there are white walls and an easel for every tiny painter. The teacher in her best stripper librarian costume informs Christian that Wilbur bit a kid in class. Christian is all, "Woah, this draws strange parallels to the cannibalism situation with my most recent patient!" Wilbur will be expelled, since this fancy-pants preschool has a zero-tolerance policy regarding children acting like children, apparently. Christian is like, "Well, did you know that his mom [whom he rarely sees anyway because she is an AIDS-riddled sexaholic] died a few days ago?" The teacher is all, "No way!" But she's even more like, "Dude, you HAVE to be shitting me!" when Christian reveals that he still hasn't told Wilbur. Yeah, that's pretty weird, right there. The teacher says that she'll talk to the school board and try not to get Wilbur expelled from preschool. Wouldn't want that on the permanent record. Then right before the scene change there's a sinister zoom in on Wilbur's painting of a dinosaur (which is way more detailed than that age of child could possibly have painted. He's three, at most. They just don't have the fine motor skills or artistic vision at that age.) with evil strings music. Dun dun DUNNNNN.
Colleen Rose shows up in Sean's office to chat and show him her gross-ass feet. Apparently it's called "hammer toe" and apparently it's when you wear such stupid, ill-fitting shoes all the time that your index toe becomes permanently located on top of your big toe. I cannot imagine ignoring the kind of pain that would cause such a transformation. Girls are such idiots. Get some Airwalks and call it a day. CR takes a picture of Sean with her iPhone and is generally probably a stalker.
Aw haha Wilbur loves to play with dinosaurs! He is the cutest baby of all time. I really can't handle it. He makes his t-rex bite the other dinosaurs, as is their way, but Christian is all, "Hey, Wilbur. No biting in this house. Not even for the t-rex. Now about your dead mother " He tells Wilbur the whole story, in explicit detail, about how he was mad at Gina for reminding him of his sexaholism, so he pushed her off the roof. Wilbur: "Mommy is skinny."
Then back in reality, Christian just sits there crying while Wilbur plays with his dinosaurs. Then Wilbur asks when his mommy is coming back, and Christian responds with a vague, "Later or something she's on vacay."
Sean opens CR's surgery scene with "It's hammer time!" Because of the toes? Get it? They don't even play "Hammer Time," though, so that's a wasted opportunity to play the best song ever written. While they surgerize to a considerably lamer "These Boots Were Made for Walking," the CIA shows up. Oh wait, they're talent agents with the CAA. I was one letter off. They want to recruit Sean, since apparently all Hollywood was waiting for was a recently divorced surgeon whose son is addicted to meth.
Sean scolds them for busting in on the surgery. They don't recognize Colleen Rose's name, which means that she's fake, but they optimistically suggest that perhaps she's a "boutique shop." Wouldn't it be great if Ari Gold was Sean's agent? That would be magic. The CAA invites Sean to go rebuild New Orleans with them. Good luck, you ambitious nerds!
The mortician (whom I'm reasonably sure is the lady who played Pearl on MST3K, may it rest in peace) futiley tries to add putty to Gina's bashed-up face to make it look normal again. She tells Christian that Gina has to have a closed casket because her mug is beyond repair. Christian feels bad about killing her. I bet he feels the same way Julia did when she killed that woman who wasn't her mother.
Cannibal Husband's machines are beeping, which means that his heart rate is going crazy, which means bad things on medical shows. Apparently he has some sort of infection. His wife is still a crazy bitch. Mad cow disease, probably.
Colleen Rose is bitching about being in bed. She made Sean a Dr. Sean Bear, which is a bear wearing silk medical scrubs. Apparently she makes low rent Build-a-Bears in her free time. That's not creepy at all. The CAA guy shows up and she throws a fit when Sean starts to leave with him to jet over to NOLA. He goes to wait for Sean outside, and she screams at him a lot and throws the bear, which plays its recording of Sean's voice saying, "Tell me what you don't like about yourself," all of three times before it dies. What a piece of shit.
There's a huge turnout for Gina's funeral, and Liz says, "It's nice to know that she touched so many people." Zing! Because she's a whore. Christian feels guilty for killing her some more, until all the eugoogolies are about how good Gina was in the sack. Everyone there is from her Sexaholics Anonymous club, I guess, and they are all real uggos. Sucks for Gina. The guy who gave her AIDS gets up there and cries about how Gina saves his life, and then Christian goes back to feeling really bad again. Gina's picture stares at the camera from its place in front of the casket. Gina looks like my mom. This is creepy and gross.
Christian is back at Wilbur's school, where the teacher leaves the children unattended so that she can tell Christian that Wilbur bit a girl today while she was sleeping, and the girl needs two stitches. If my kid bit a girl and she needed stitches, I wouldn't even be that mad. I'd just be impressed, especially if he just had little baby teeth like Wilbur. Christian is like, "How much to get him acquitted? A new swing set?" and the teacher is like, "Sex. The price of his acquittal is sex with me."
Soooo they bang. And while they're banging, she bites Christian really hard on the neck. It leaves a huge mark with, like, blood and shit. Best/worst hickey ever. Christian figures out that she's the one who's been biting the kids, and he threatens to have her arrested. She's like, "It's worth it; child flesh is the tenderest of all flesh."
Cannibal Husband is really sick and needs to be taken to an actual hospital. Cannibal Wife is a dumb bitch who fed her husband pieces of her uncooked flesh so that she wouldn't feel so guilty about eating his. On the one hand, it's super selfish. On the other hand, it's really romantic. And delicious.
Colleen Rose invited the CAA guy over to her apartment for a "business meeting." This whole scene I was on the edge of my seat waiting for her to just put on some Huey Lewis and smack him in the face with an axe. Her apartment is full of stuffed bears. She made the CAA guy a Talent Agent Bear with an open mouth full of sharp bear fangs. He's like, "For rizzle?" and she's like, "That's what you do. You take stars and you chew them up and destroy their lives and I'm a huge fanwanking weirdo who probably also shot John Lennon." Then she totally smacks him with a bottle on the back of the head.
When he comes to, he's been Red Dragoned (with duct tape, not rubber cement, though) to a chair. CR pulls out her giant popcorn vendor cart full of stuffing, and she sticks the vacuum in his mouth and screams, "Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!" It's so boss. The best part, though, is when she sticks little bear eyes into his eyes. There's a trickle of blood running out from under each eyelid and it looks really House of 1000 Corpses and awesome. She does really good work.
Christian goes to make the teacher get her tooth mold taken with the police, and of course she's had caps put on her teeth. I mean, duh. On the scale of 1 to "the most drastic thing I would ever do to survive," that's like a 2. The only thing below it is getting a massage. Foiled again, Christian raises his fist skyward and shouts, "Blast!"
Cannibal Wife undergoes surgery to get her arm fixed. What a stupid bitch. It's a dumb scene except that Liz makes a snarky "bite outta crime" remark to Christian.
CR's feet are all better. She tells Sean that he can dump her as an agent if he wants, but he's like, "Nah, actually, the weirdest thing: he sent out a mass email from his Blackberry saying that he'd be going to Darfur indefinitely. He must really like helping people," and she's like, "Unreal, man." I guess Blackberrys save your email login info?
Sean decides to stay with CR, lamenting that he's been "bit by the bug" that makes people want to get all famous and shit when they live in Hollywood. They agree to a fresh start, which never goes well on these kinds of shows.
Christian got Wilbur the cutest little puppy! This is too much. It's like when a monkey has a pet kitten: too cute for words. Wilbur asks about his mommy again, and Christian tells him that she's never coming back. He looks all emotional, but Wilbur has already lost both of his adoptive parents, so his crazy biological mom really ain't nothing but another log on the fire.
How great was this episode, though? Seriously, it was like a horror movie plus a dramatic survival movie plus a lifetime movie plus a surgery movie plus a lame comedy plus a gay vampire sex movie. (Gay like lame, not gay like homosexual.) There was adequate gore, no Matt, no Christian's bare ass, lots of Wilbur, toy dinosaurs, no H&S, and best of all, NO JULIA!!!! Woo!!!
Next week: The universe explodes when Kimber and Eden make porn together aaaand a cat lady.