Hey ladies. Did you notice I'm wearing a fedora? I am. That's what they call this hat, and by they, I mean the committee on hats that once convened in Charleston in 1862. You're right, I totally did just make that it. I improv-ed it. Hey, come to see my improv group! We do stuff like that all the time, and it's totally like, unpredictable. Sometimes we pretend to be frogs, even when we're doing a game where we're specifically supposed to be pretending to be not frogs. We're pretty fucking hot. I'm totally confident in myself because I'm a whacky theatre guy.

Oh, you don't like theatre? Well what about musicals? We can totally make up songs. And I'm actually also in the school musical in two weeks-no I didn't have to wear a fedora to get into the musical. No, like, I do a lot of shows. I'm a born performedian. I even make words up. But not in the musical, there I actually play the male lead. Am I gay? Would a gay guy be this unpredictably mad-cap and decidedly non-sexual? And so infatuated with himself that he had to wear a fedora while drinking just to enjoy all the attention it brings? The answer is maybe. See? I'm totally toeing the line. I'm a toiner. See, just totally winged it again right there.

And I'm totally down to play some ?ruit and get all fratty up in here. I'm not like those theatre tech people- oh man, what a bunch of loonies! I used an antiquated word there to show how rich and unpredictably madcap my vocabulary is. In fact, I will use silly words all the time, even when completely unnecessary, and call the bartender "barkeep" and wave him over with my fedora. Quick, take a picture and post it to facebook before the glory of my unthinkably original activities fades into memory and someone else acts crazy in a photo, obviously copying me.

Ah, I see you'd rather go hang out with coked out musician guy. You see, me and him are not too far off. Granted, he embodies self-destruction, angst, anger, and a nameless confidence that all women desire, and I just kinda whack off all day and beg for people to look at me….but he can't make you laugh like I can. He can? Well, are you coked out? Because I'm pretty funny, and most people agree that I am a whacky theatre guy. Why else would I be wearing a fedora?