Ethan: Time for Super Bowl XLII. I don't know about you, but I'm only watching it for the halftime show. C'mon, Tom Petty? On TV? For free?! This is going to be the best game ever.
Amir: Not a game. Not a game. Practice. We talkin' about pracatice. Mainly the Patriots practicing for the Pro Bowl. I figured we would make today's column a Super Bowl over/under spectacular! Then people can play along in the comments instead of making fun of your glasses.
Ethan:To be fair, even my optometrist said, "Dude, those make you look like a douche." What's the first over/under?
Amir: Total Passing Touchdowns (both teams): 6
Ethan: Under. The Giants' pass rush is good, but the Pats have Chewbacca on their offensive line. I don't know how they got him in Logan Mankins' jersey, but he's there. To more important things: over/under 250 times the pic of Brady in the boot is shown during the game?
Amir: Over. TMZTv is a FOX show, so it's like free advertising! Every 3 second mention is a $200,000 commercial. Speaking of which, over/under on commercials that will actually make you laugh: 2.5
Ethan: Over. Budweiser can usually cover that on its own, even if I'll violently hate the same commercials after seeing them a million times by the end of the NBA Finals. Over/under on smiles cracked by Bill Belichick: 0.5.
Amir: Over. But then he'll jog into the locker room and start breaking down game footage for their first preseason game completely soaked in Gatorade. "I think we can exploit the Lions third string secondary "
Ethan: I like seeing him hug his kids at the end of wins. I wish you could hear what he says to them. Probably, "I told you not to leave the film room until summer, boy." Over/under on egregious mistakes by Eli Manning.: 1.5.
Amir: Over. Over/Under on egregious mistakes by Eli Manning fans for buying his jersey before he wins a Super Bowl: 10,000
Ethan: Over. And that's a bad thing? Tell that to all those proud owners of Kerry Collins' Giants jerseys. That's the perfect garment to wear to your own wedding, especially if there's an open bar. I just want to know why Peyton didn't show for the NFC title game.
Amir: Would you travel to Green Bay if you didn't have to?
Ethan: Eli has always been there for awkward-smiling shots at Peyton's playoff games after he got eliminated, why couldn't Peyton return the favor? Over/under on Brandon Jacobs' rushing yards: 95.
Amir: I think under. The only reason the Giants almost beat the Pats was relying on Eli and getting big plays from the passing game. Over/under on how many bones you would break if you tried to tackle Brandon Jacobs: 2.
Ethan: Way over. Hands, feet, and rib cages are all full of bones. I hope Jacobs has been studying film to counteract Vince Wilfork's eye pokes. Possibly old Three Stooges movies. I do admire Wilfork's willingness to play dirty. If it's good enough for Ric Flair, it's good enough for him.
Amir: Can't wait to see him put Plaxico Burress in a figure four leglock.
Ethan: Over/under on times Plaxico repeats that he thinks the Giants have better receivers: 10.
Amir: Over. Over/under on how many Giants receivers you think I can name besides Plax and Amani Toomer: 1.
Ethan: Over. Steve Smith and Sinorice Moss are easy.
Amir: Oh right, Steve Smith. Yeah he's better than Jabar Gaffney
Ethan: I like how the media's making a big deal out of the Giants saying they can win and/or think they have the better team. What the hell should they say when someone asks them? "This game, aw, hell it's going to be a rout. Yeah, 55-17 probably. I don't even know why we're showing up. I'd rather stay home and watch Golden Girls reruns than view this crap."? Over/under on the number of times Joe Buck has absolutely no sense of humor about himself during the game: 100.
Amir: Can I tease that with the Brandon Jacobs' Rushing yards and take over 94?
Ethan: Yes, but only because Joe Buck vs. Randy Moss Round 2 could break out at any moment. Let's pick game winners. Who do you like?
Amir: Hahaha. So moving onto baseball Did you hear the Yankees finally got Santana only this time, it's New York! Wait I think I messed that up.
Ethan: I liked the Twins' negotiating strategy: hold out until you can get an array of not-very-good prospects. Quantity over quality! I guess the Twinks were just hoping they could find the next Nick Punto or someone to replace Carlos Silva in this deal.
Amir: This once again shows that small market teams are just an overglorified farm system for teams who can actually afford talent once they've already been cultivated. Come watch your favorite players before they outgrow this stinktown!
Ethan: Jesus, as a Phillies fan I'm so depressed. But hey, at least we got Pedro Feliz. Who needs a third baseman who can hit or get on base? Ugh. Got an interesting fact to cheer me up?
Amir: I read on Mental Floss that in high school, Randy Moss kicked, punted, and played DB on his football team. He also won the state's basketball player of the year two years in a row, and won the state 100- and 200-meter sprint in his only year running track. I wonder if they're missing anything
Ethan: Back-to-back-to-back state mooning champs.
Amir: Tom Emanske was his coach.
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for life without football.
Amir and Ethan also run StraightCashHomey.net: A random jersey blog.