Illegal in 48 states. Frowned upon in the other two.

-"My Dad is a long-suffering Giants fan."
-"What do you mean? They just won the Super Bowl."
-"He's dying of stomach cancer."
Hank Aaron's Pun School
"I'd risk my ass to challenge Barry Bonds' home run record, but I don't have an asterisk."
Homeless people are like squirrels. They're fun to watch from a distance, but the closer you get, the more you just want to throw rocks at them.
When people tell me that cigarettes contain ammonia, which is also found in dog sh*t, it doesn't make me want to smoke any less. It just makes me think a little more highly of dog sh*t.
Automobile Owners Be Warned
Used cars sell for much less than new cars. Especially when they were used for vehicular manslaughter.
Weekly Sudoku Tip
Bottom right region, middle box. It's a seven. You should be able to take things from here.
Great Email Address
Weekend@bernies.com
Call me crazy, but when I hear my dog barking, I know there's a ghost in the room… because my dog died two years ago.
Coca-Cola or Cocaine?
-"Available at most corner stores."
-"Perfect for parties."
-"Makes your dick small but it's worth it."