Happy Mardi Gras everyone! If you were paying attention to the clues last week, you learned that I used to go to school in New Orleans, so Mardi Gras used to be a very special, very drunken time for me. Example from 1996:
You can tell it is 1996 because of the 8lb cell phone in my front left pocket and because "Kiss from a Rose" just got nominated for a Grammy, and because I'm shoe shopping instead of acquiring more precious beads. Such are the mysteries of Mardi Gras. Now remember to collect all the clues each week, and by the end of the season, you'll have figured out where my secret space pirate treasure is buried.
Sean is being accosted from both sides by Bliss and Colleen Rose. Bliss wants him to be a judge for the Miss Teen USA pageant. Colleen Rose wants him to start a life with her. She also wants him to do a commercial for some salad bar that old people patronize. Old people? Gross! Colleen Rose is the worst and yet most legitimate agent ever!
Christian tries to solicit CR's services, but obviously she only loves Sean, so she tells Christian that he's a bad actor. Thus begins Christian's episode-long quest to prove his is better than Sean in at least two different ways. He leaves a pensively silent room to ponder his talent while he consults with a new patient.
Lulu Grandiron is a rich, middle-aged white lady. Like other rich, middle-aged white ladies, she acts like she's hot shit in the hopes that no one will realize how desperately she longs for her youth. Sunrise, sunset. She offers Christian a chance to work with some more famous clientele. Naturally, Christian acts indignant but cannot wait to have sex with her. She invites him to a fancy dinner party she and her aged harpy friends are throwing for the purpose of auditioning a new favorite plastic surgeon. That sounds like the funnest party ever. Christian RSVPs by reminding everyone that he's "a surgeon, not a gigolo [anymore]."
Kimber and Eden show up at the office. Eden has entered into Kimber's latest business venture, the result of which is that she has a shiny new black eye. Sean is all, "How did you get this black eye?" and Kimber is all, "Initiate dream sequence!" Then we have a flashback! of Kimber and Eden's very pink, very circusy girl-on-woman porno. It's a whole lot of Kimber and Eden playing the mirror improv game across a vanity and not a whole lot of Kimber and Eden doing anything else. Such as, for example, each other. Worst. Porn. Ever. Kimber explains that while they were both allegedly "climaxing" (still pretty much fully dressed), Eden demanded to be punched in the face. So Kimber punched her. And now Eden looks like she's married to Ike Turner.
Christian gets salty with Kimber, as usual, and threatens not to help them, or whatever, but Kimber tells him that she doesn't want his grubby non-famous paws all over Eden anyway. She and Eden are self-important now, so they need someone equally as self-important to do the surgery: Sean. Like so many nerdy 8-year-old children before him, Christian is excluded from playing with the cool kids. Also Jenna's first word was "Ram." That baby is a slut.
Before Eden goes under the knife again, she tries to seduce Sean into taking care of her by bitching about how much it sucks to do porn. Because he was married to Julia for 20 years, Sean tolerates her bitching. He even bravely says, "I'll fix your face, Eden, but that's all I can do." What a trooper. What a stupid, stupid trooper.
Christian goes to Lulu's house for the dinner party. Lulu has three bitch friends, Brown Haired Lady With Big Boobs, Dark-Skinned Fake Blonde Lady Who Wishes She Were Elizabeth Taylor, and The Scariest Looking Lady in the World:
[Source: GoFugYourself]I had nightmares from this picture for 6 weeks after I first saw it. And now she's on my TV! Nooooo monster!
Anyway, these four ladies are joined by five doctors representing four practices. Two are Jewish twin brothers. The other two are old-ish and white. So small dicks. That will be important later. The ladies laugh about stupid shit like how much they go shopping and how painful their vaginoplasties were. Lulu says that they deserve their own show, and I mean, I guess The Real Housewives of Orange County could use a little competition in the niche market they've carved for themselves, but that show would be pretty much as bad as Last Call with Carson Daly.
The music is pretty weird at this lady's house, but it also fit the scene really well. Perhaps an original composition? Assuming that Nip/Tuck hired some weird German/Japanese/Italian Axis of Evil electronic keyboard trio as their soundtrack people, of course. So they're all sitting there, with the ladies being vapid and annoying and the doctors bragging about their degrees from Harvard and Brown (which is really a joke for a medical degree. Fucking hippie.) and Christian just whips out his dick. Why? Because Christian is a caveman. He actually pulled it out pretty slowly, like Marky Mark does at the end of Boogie Nights, all talking to everyone while he does it. And then it's out, and for all he brags about it, I'm surprised that we didn't hear a dull thud when it landed on the table. That thing must be, like, 17" long in order for him to brag about it the way he does. And the other doctors are sufficiently threatened because their dicks are small, and the ladies are salivating just looking at it, because they're gross and old, and Christian, having accomplished half of his quest for superiority by parading around his genitals, is smug.
Eden is in recovery and she and Kimber discuss a new idea Kimber had for a porn. It involves Eden being an 18th-century servant at a brothel who then becomes the madam by allowing several men to ejaculate on her face simultaneously. What the hell kind of criteria for promotion does that company have? Eden doesn't want to do it because she doesn't like the idea of bukkake, despite the proven restorative powers that semen has on the skin. Kimber trash talks Eden a little bit, and they get into a stupid little white girl cat fight. Here's what happened, except that in this version they're "urban":
Eden: Bitch, I don' wanna do no nasty-ass bukkake!
Kimber: Bitch, don' you start talking back to me, y'hear? I will pop that busted-up eyeball out o' yo' head and choke you with it, so help me Jesus!
Eden: I ain't afraid of you. Go ahead and pop my eyeball out if you want. I don' even curr. I ain't doin' no porn.
Kimber: Girl, you better not be talkin' to me like I ain't the good motherfuckin' Lord's gift to the porn industry; this is why I'm hot. You ain't cause you not.
Eden: You a old skank.
Kimber: OOOOOH, bitch! (Kimber gouges out Eden's busted-up eyeball and chokes her with it.)
White people are boring.
Sean takes Ram aside and asks him how much he needs to buy out Eden's contract with the porn company. If things worked the way they did last week, Ram and Sean would have been having sex in the next scene. Fortunately for everyone who never wants to see Sean's ass again, Ram just laughs condescendingly and makes a deal wherein Sean will perform surgeries on some MILFs and Eden will no longer be shackled in the bonds of porn slavery.
Chrisitan has sex with each of the old ladies in turn, and while doing so, recommends surgeries to them. When he had sex with the scary lady, I almost threw up. She looks even more like a corpse than Julia, and that's quite an achievement. Christian complians to Lulu that his clients aren't famous people, they're just her bitch friends. She's like, "Yeah, but now guess what?" and he's like, "What?" and she's like, "I have an awesome surgery for you to do." and he's like, "Awesome! What?" and she's like, "You're an artist, like Michaelangelo," and he's like, "More like Rodin, but whatever, what's the awesome surgery?" and she's like, "You are the best ever," and he's like, "No, I know. What's the surgery?" and she's like, "Make my face into the face of A CAT!" and he's like, "What? Why?" and she's like, "Because I think cats are sexy and I'm a huge fucking weirdo. Meow. It's like art. You're an artist." and he's like, "That's it! That's the other thing I needed to complete my quest! I'm better than Sean at having a big dick AND at being an artist with a scalpel! Yay!" Also Lulu is just full-on crazy.
Sean visits Eden, The Girl Who Is Always Getting Dressed As People Enter a Room, to tell her that her contract with the porn studio is void and that they can never be together because people think it's creepy. Also creepy is Colleen Rose, who is lurking in the doorway to the room, poised to cut a bitch. Dun dun DUNNNNNN!!!!!
Christian is doing the cat surgery on Lulu. Liz, the ethical bitch that she is, protests it on the grounds that it's batshit insane and walks out of the surgery. Christian doesn't care, because he believes that this surgery proves that he's a good surgeon and thereby legitimizes his insistence upon one-upping Sean all the time.
Eden sits innocently at the vanity in her room, requesting of her BGF that he bring her makeup and cocaine and other things that make up a lady's toilette. In the reflection in the mirror she sees the eerie, pallid form of Colleen Rose, who extends as a peace offering a Love Yourself, Eden Bear. Eden knows that Colleen Rose is creepy, but assumes she is harmless. Colleen Rose lectures Eden on being a whore. She tells Eden that Sean doesn't love her. Eden knows that Colleen Rose is in love with Sean herself, and calls Colleen Rose out on it. Colleen Rose looks pained, but counters with lies about Sean and Dr. Aiden Stone making fun of Eden's sluttiness on the H&S set. Knowing in her heart that she is a huge slut, Eden is vanquished.
Christian prances happily around the office kitchen, all but swinging his dick around in his hand like a ribbon dancer. His attitude towards Sean is patronizing because he honest-to-God believes that the surgery he performed on Lulu was Art. Sean is as incredulous as we are.
Christian unveils Lulu's new cat face to her friends, who are horrified by it, despite the fact that it's still better looking than some of theirs. Lulu mostly just looks like Eden now. Seriously. Side-by-side those bitches. Her friends check her chart and see that she's been off her medication, which is what made her go crazy and request cat surgery. Appearntly she's bipolar. That would be a scary disease to have, where if you take your medicine you're normal, but if you forget to take it, your brain tricks you into revealing all your weirdo bestial sexual fantasies. How embarrassing would that be?
Bliss calls Sean and demands that he get down to the mall or wherever she is. Once there, she points out a kiosk to him where Colleen Rose is selling stuffed bears. They call her out on not being a real agent, and she's all, "This is just my niece's kiosk! I'm running it for her because she's sick!" and Bliss says that the mall manager said that Colleen is there about 8 hours a day. Which leaves me to wonder, how the hell does she have time to be stalking Sean if she's selling teddy bears 8 hours a day? ARE THERE TWO OF HER?!?!??!
Anyway, Sean breaks up with her for real this time, and Bliss makes fun of her, and Colleen Rose looks sadder than that one guy did that time she packed him full of bear stuffing.
Kimber: I gotta take my Ambien an' then I can go to slizzeep.
Ram: Hey, baby, whachoo up to?
Kimber: I jus' goin' to sleep, asshole.
Ram: Aw, now, baby, you know this is jus' part of the biznizznazz, real? I jus' got to keep my hos in line. You know how it is.
Kimber: You a trick-ass punk.
Ram: Eden, baby, lemme kiss yo' shoulder before we all three slizzeep in this here giant bed.
Eden: My insecurity is crippling, y'all.
Man, I am so fluent in urbanese.
Christian and Sean have a pissing contest about who's a bigger idiot. It's a tie, at this point.
Sean returns home to his apartment, drained. The lighting is bluish and still. He cracks open a beer and wanders onto the deck. Creepy music has been playing the whole time. Everyone knows Colleen Rose is waiting somewhere in the apartment with a bear and a machete, but where? Sean rests his hand on the railing. He lifts his hand something wet and dark has stained it: BLOOD! He follows a very conspicuous trail of blood into the apartment.
Kimber: No, no, get out of the apartment, you stupid-ass cracker!
Eden: AAAAAHHHHHH get back out the house!
Ram: You never follow a trail of blood, fool! Did yo' momma forget to teach you how to not get killed?
The trail ends at Colleen Rose, dressed all in white, sitting dazedly on Sean's white patio furniture. Sean's all, "What the hell did you do?" and Colleen Rose just mutely holds up her bloodied arms. She looks baffled by the whole thing, as if she's lost sight of herself and what she loved and who she was. Unfortunately, she has elected to slice her arms "over the bridge" instead of "up the river," so she would have been fine even if Sean had never come home. Fucking stupid people don't know how to commit suicide.
Tonight's episode made allusions to cats a total of 38 times. For those of you following along at home, the theme was Women Are Assholes.
Next week: H&S gets a bad review from an ugly critic! Rachel is still gross looking! Julia is a raging, yeast-infected cunt! Happy Lent!