It's a sunny July weekend in 1862. We find our historical figure slowly getting out of bed
Abraham Lincoln: (Groggy) Oh, man what the FUCK happened last night? Where did this cut come from? Shit. (looks around) Who the HELL is this tubbo? Oh god, Mary is gonna kill me oh wait, it is Mary. Thank god I didn't wake her
(his aides walk in)
Aide #1: Sir! Sir! Your new piece of legislation is a success! People are already claiming it to be one of the best things EVER!
AL: Yeah I'm not gonna lie, I have abso-freakin-lutely no idea what you're talking about. I have no idea what happened last night after umm when that one hot intern started doing body shots.
Aide #2: Wow, that was relatively early in the night, sir
AL: Yeah, I know, I had nothing to eat the entire day, and I was frustrated I guess I pre-gamed a little too much. Whatever. What's the deal with this bill?
Aide #1: Well, it's called the Emancipation Proclamation-
AL: What the hell does that even mean? That name doesn't even make sense.
Aide #2: Well, sir, we really don't know. You even admitted last night that you don't know what it means.
AL: That helps. What does it say?
Aide #1: It has a lot of words and phrases, but essentially you freed the slaves.
AL: Wait, what? I freed the slaves? Oh, shit All of them?
Aide #2: Well, sir, only the slaves of the confederacy.
AL: Hmm Well then. Does that actually do anything?
Aide #1: At the moment, sir, no. But if we win the war, then they lose their slaves.
AL: Hmm I can see how a drunk me could think that was a good idea. People actually like this?
Aide #2: Well, people like it more for the symbolism that it portrays, rather then what it actually does.
AL: Wait, so how did I get this into congress? Aren't they on vacation now?
Aide #1: You called them all in. I still have no clue how you did that. Then you made them stay up all night and read it. Turns out they liked it.
AL: Weird so what about our slaves?
Aide #2: Still here, sir.
AL: Sweetness. Toby, get in here!
Toby: Yes, sir? By the way, I love that new piece of legislation you made up last night!
AL: Shut up. Get me breakfast and a cigar. I feel like a stogie in my hour of glory.
Toby: Right away, sir!
AL: God, I loves me some interns. Speaking of interns, where's that hottie? I'll show her my cigar anytime