We're bigger than Jesus' online column.

Guy: Sorry babe, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday. I don't need a corporation to tell me when to say "I love you."
Girl: It's also my Birthday.
Guy: Hallmark Birthday.
Girl: You're stepping on my dog.
Guy: Is his name Hallmark?
Girl: Yes. Leave.
World's Worst Soon-To-Be Dad
"Missed a period? Jeez, didn't you learn anything in English class?"
"Don't be stupid, you can't break water."
"Sids? I dunno, doc, there's only one of them and I was gonna call him Mark."
-Brian Paulsen
Really Cheap Guy Begins to Divvy Up Check
"Oh great, let me guess. Nobody has anything smaller than a quarter."
Adventures of the Dad Who Got Away With Murder
Son: I wish Mom was still alive.
Dad: Don't you EVER talk about your mother that way!
When IMDB Meets Stupidity
-"I just finished Dante's Inferno, it was so good."
-"I liked it better the first time, when it was called Volcano".
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?
Franklin Roosevelt, Sub-Standard Orator
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… a dark, all-encompassing fear from which there is no escape, and which will drive to the brink of terrified insanity every last American man, woman and child."
Sick Zombie
I'm not feeling so well; I'm sh*tting your brains out…