Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
February 12, 2008
We're bigger than Jesus' online column.
: Sorry babe, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday. I don't need a corporation to tell me when to say "I love you."
: It's also my Birthday.
: Hallmark Birthday.
: You're stepping on my dog.
: Is his name Hallmark?
: Yes. Leave.
World's Worst Soon-To-Be Dad
"Missed a period? Jeez, didn't you learn anything in English class?"
"Don't be stupid, you can't break water."
"Sids? I dunno, doc, there's only one of them and I was gonna call him Mark."
Really Cheap Guy Begins to Divvy Up Check
"Oh great, let me guess. Nobody has anything smaller than a quarter."
Adventures of the Dad Who Got Away With Murder
: I wish Mom was still alive.
: Don't you
talk about your mother that way!
-"I just finished
, it was so good."
-"I liked it better the first time, when it was called
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?
Franklin Roosevelt, Sub-Standard Orator
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself a dark, all-encompassing fear from which there is no escape, and which will drive to the brink of terrified insanity every last American man, woman and child."
I'm not feeling so well; I'm sh*tting your brains out
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