Ethan: I know you're dying to talk about the Pro Bowl, but let's talk college hoops first this week. But make it quick, Kelvin Sampson's been calling me every thirty or forty seconds to tell me "we'd love to have you here." Do you think most people feel horrified about this kind of recruiting scandal or think it's funny?
Ethan: I like that Kelvin Sampson is apparently this stupid. He'd already gotten in trouble for phone calls at Oklahoma, then he does it again. He's like a teenage girl who can't stop calling Aaron Carter's 900 number.
Amir: Mom! Have you ever heard of knocking!!!?
Ethan: It's a sickness, really. At least the state of Indiana still has Butler. Is Kansas still going to win the Big 12 with two losses?
Amir: Kansas State is 8-1, Texas is now 7-2, both have the tiebreaker currently so its hard to say who's going to win the Big 12. Though every time you have two Darnell's on your team, you're going to have a strong March, and that's all that counts.
Ethan: Kansas State still has to play at Kansas and Baylor and Texas at home, so they could conceivably fall. Of course, Michael Beasley could probably eat Bill Self, so all bets are off. Do you want to make fun of Kentucky for losing last night?
Amir: I thought they didn't show up? Did they play last night?
Ethan: Sort of. To the extent that 11 points in a half is "playing." I got to a bar where the game was on and thought they were showing Vandy's highlight reel. Nope, it was live-action game; it just looked like highlights. Tubby, come home. Please. We miss you. But let's get on to the real hoops news: Tennessee-Rutgers women's game.
Amir: If people cared about Women's Hoops that game would have been a pretty big deal. Somebody on the Tennessee's scorers table stopped the clock with .2 seconds left, long enough for a Rutgers player to foul Lady Vol and nevermind people are going to stop reading. Either way it was crazy.
Ethan: This is what happens when your official clock is someone's Mickey Mouse wristwatch without a second hand. I like that the inventor of the clock in question had to come forward with a statement. "Look, my clock keeps great time, okay?" You seeing any of the Clemens hearings?
Amir: No, I'm too busy watching Spygate 24 hour coverage on C-Span 3. Did he finally crack and admit to using horse testosterone?
Ethan: Clemens is drinking a fat glass of ox semen right now. He just chokeslammed Representative Waxman through a table. Brian McNamee is amazingly awkward to watch; he's like someone found a jock version of John Turturro in Barton Fink. I did just learn you can get an abscess if you inject your Winstrol so fast, so, you know, remember that the next time you juice.
Amir: I haven't seen somebody dig himself into such a deep hole before. How long will it take before he finally cracks? I can just imagine Clemens finally admitting defeat as they strap him down to the electric chair. If only they can find a metal bowl big enough to fit around that cranium.
Ethan: This is great: apparently at one point Clemens' ass was bleeding through his pants in 2001, although he denies it happened. I've never had my ass bleed through my trousers, but I think I'd remember if it did.
Amir: People always thought he was like Schilling only more anal.
Amir: How do you think they set the line for those games? I think the AFC was favored by three. Also, how do you think Asante Samuel felt there, after Randy and Brady dropped out.
Ethan: Cold. Alone. But man, did he look good in a lei! Watching the Pro Bowl is the weirdest thing. Derek Anderson led a drive where most of the first downs were from "illegal defense" penalties. Pretty great that Peterson went berserk while Brian Westbrook only got one carry. The NFC is not a running back by committee team!
Amir: AD only splits time with one back: Chester Taylor.
Ethan: How excited are you for Shaq's Suns debut?
Amir: Very. Though who knows when that's gonna be. He's going to wait until he's 110% before playing. If he has to wait five years until he's 28 again then so be it!
Ethan: I want to hear Steve Kerr's inner monologue as the game goes on. "I really only gave up Marcus Banks for him Marion was done anyway wait, Shaq can't jump? How did our team doctors miss this during his physical?"
Amir: The physical was just Shaq making the doctors laugh. Anybody this loveable can't be injured. First rate!
Amir: I call this one the "Cute cat licks himself then yawns, Lonely Girl 15 through the legs dunk-o-rama" Thank you, YouTube! Seriously though, does JR Rider have a YouTube account? Who else has that much time and can upload videos of themselves performing dunk contest level slams.
Ethan: Who's going to win the dunk contest? Can Dwight Howard top last year's sticker dunk?
Amir: I hear this years version will just say OBEY. But my money is on Super Jamario Moon.
Ethan: I'm most interested in the D-League's H.O.R.S.E. game on Friday night. Jeremy Richardson is bringing that title home to the Fort Wayne Mad Ants!
Amir: On your knees, off the wall, then off the quiet shame of being in a D-League all star game, two bounces, then nothing but silence.
Ethan: Got an interesting fact for us this week?
Amir: I'll keep it tall and sweet: Dirk Nowitzki's front court teammate on the German National team back in the day was Shawn Bradley.
Ethan: Eat your heart out, DeSagana Diop. The Mormon Mantis is Dirk's real twin tower.
Amir: Whitest twin towers ever.
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for Daytona!