Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Cheap champaign is on the table in the back of the room. Help yourself. In honor of Singles Awareness Day (SAD), your town center has created a number of seminars designed to help you cope with your lack of significant other. Whatever your single demographic, we have a workshop for you.

Single women will want to attend our "Men: Opportunist Retards Or Not?" series. MORON discusses the intricacies of your own unique, deeply personal situation and gives you a comprehensive list of why he's a dick who doesn't realize you're the best thing that could happen to him in the immediate future.

For those ladies who are dealing with a failed relationship the man-bashing "All Stupid Sonsabitches" meets weekly. ASS supplies SAD chocolate and punching bags. Men are advised to keep away from this classroom, since last time a man tried to observe the class he was "mistaken for a punching bag". He is still in a coma.

Men, don't think we've left you out. For those pesky women you've gone on two dates with who cling to the desperate hope that perhaps you'll ask them to do something tonight because you both lack a more desirable option, we offer "Inevitably Dumbasses Infer Outings Together". IDIOT does have a disclaimer: if you go out with aforementioned desperate female, the chance of you getting a blowjob in exchange for chocolate is high. We would like to point out that this opportunity is, at best, rare and, at worst, calling a woman a whore for candy and flowers.

In answer to our ASS series, the male counter part is "Babe In Total Control of Herself and You". BITCHY is a safe place where you can come whine about how the women you date are all controlling, just like your mother. Kleenex, hugs and jello shots you aren't allowed to drink at home are provided at the door.

Struggling to get back with the ex that you're convinced is the only one for you? "Striving To Relive Stupid Struggles" is the answer. In STRESS we'll discuss why it's always a bad idea to try to date your ex and explore what stages of successful development you skipped to make you such a blundering retard.

There will be a mixer after the workshops have concluded so that the MORONs, ASSes, BITCHY women and IDIOTs will all know where to find each other for STRESS. We hope you have a happy and successful Singles Awareness Day and if you don't, remember: your favorite chocolate will be on sale tomorrow.