Because laughter is the best medicine, and we're its corrupt pharmaceutical lobby.

Flawless Logic
Don't drink and drive, unless you're a really good multi-tasker.
Charlie N
I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I lied on my college application essay. In the space after it says "HIGH SCHOOL GPA," I wrote "I KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS."
Canadians
We're not afraid of Mexicans because we have a huge fence called "America."
Cannibal Query
If you could have one person for dinner, living or dead, who would it be?
I write "World's Worst Job Award!" on dollar bills and keep them in my car just for toll booths.
If Emo Bands Were Like Rappers And Recorded Skits
answering machine picks up
"Hey Artemis, it's Nate. Just heard the new record and I gotta say this thing is so sad. Reminds me of Beth so much I nearly cried while listening. Gotta go, Cambria's sending me a bulletin on MySpace. Later!"
answering machine click
The only thing worse than standing next to your waiter at the urinal is standing next to your waitress at the urinal.