Oh man, you guys. It's the end of the road. The VERY LAST NIP/TUCK OF THE SEASON. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!!??!!!?!1/!??!?
Stiffler's mom had surgery in Thailand or someplace Asian and poor because she was worried about the paparazzi in California. And I guess also in the rest of America. The surgery was all botched up and now one boob is way bigger than the other and her eyes look surprised and her lips are all wonky. Christian wants to know how she is famous, since in the bizarro universe of Nip/Tuck she is not Stiffler's mom, and she says that she has had a recurring role on an evening TV drama consistently since Judging Amy was on the air. That is pretty impressive, especially for such a trashy looking lady as her.
Christian announces during her surgery that he is taking acting classes. They're all just sooo LA now, aren't they? Perhaps too LA The po shows up and they tell Christian that Julia was shot. He's just like, "Close it up," right there, and I assume Sean does, but I mean don't they have to finish the surgery? Shouldn't an open patient on the table be as serious a situation as whatever hijinks Julia has gotten herself into? At least one of them could stay and finish.
Eden is lying to the police reporter about what happened with Julia. Sean is angry and doesn't believe a word of her bullshit, saying that Julia would never commit suicide and accusing Eden of having done something. Olivia is back in Defend Eden mode, luckily, and she tells Sean that maybe he was so negligent of Julia that he doesn't really know whether or not she is capable of suicide. This makes Sean sad.
They get to the hospital. Julia is in a coma (to everone else who entertained the possibility that she might be dead: do you feel as dumb as I do for having completely forgotten about the ol' TV coma? I mean, duh.), and although there was no direct brain penetration (damn), she probably "won't be the same." That's vague and ominous at the same time! Also, as is their way, her TV coma could end any time: in 20 minutes, in 6 months, never. This makes Sean more sad.
There's a lady with no legs in the office. Well, she has legs and knees, but about three inches below her knee they stop. She has nothing that a modest skirt wouldn't cover. Her name is Darlene Lowell, and she is sad that Christian doesn't remember the night they spent together in Ft. Lauderdale in 1982. Christian is like, "Who remembers any of the 80s, honestly?" and she's like, "Well, I do, I guess," and he's like, "That's because you were too poor to afford coke," and she's like, "Tru dat." They met over spring break, where she was a barmaid and he was a freshman in college. So many romances start that way. That and match.com. Christian is like, "Listen, I've had sex with, like, 60 million women, so " She tells him that she remembers it well because she had a baby from the union. And I mean, as soon as she said she had sex with him and also had a bit of a twang, you knew she was Emmy's mom. She recognized Christian in the Playgirl spread he did, which is how Emmy found him and came out to LA and started making sweet sweet love to her brother. Christian is like, "Aw, HAY-ull no!"
Annie is feeding fish in the office. Man, that girl looks more and more like Matt every day. I wonder if they knew this would happen when they hired her five years ago. She's hideous, but it works well (except that Matt is Christian's son, but it makes sense that Julia would carry the hideous monster genes). Sean is about to tell her that Julia was shot when he hears Colleen Rose screaming at Liz out in the hall. CR wants Sean to fix her wrist scars, but he reminds her of the restraining order he has against her, and she's like, "Shyeah right, like I care about a law!" Sean and Christian have to forcibly remove her from the office, at which point she threatens that it's not over until she's dead and buried; like every tragic hero before him, Sean has a flaw, which is that he does not heed her warning. Also that he got all caught up in fame and shit. That was stupid, too.
Emmy, Darlene, Matt, and Christian meet at Christian's place to discuss how Matt and Emmy need to stop having sex. Matt and Emmy are resistant to this idea. He says that Christian has had sex with, like, 60 million women, and only two have ever claimed to have had his children, and only one of those times was true, so he suspects that she's not his sister anyway. Christian and Matt are actually kind of funny when they're being mean to each other.Darlene produces paternity test results. To his credit, Matt looks a little skeeved out when he reads that he has, in fact, been sticking it to his biological sister. He gets up to go see Julia at the hospital and Emmy follows him. Christian and Darlene decide to get drunk.
Colleen Rose is creeping around the H&S set, handing Sean scalpels. I like how she doesn't just sneak in, but she sneaks in, gets put into costume and in the shot before all the people who are supposed to be there, and is assigned the role of handing Sean a surgical instrument. She must be really good at persuading people. Sean has her thrown off the set. Someone tells him to press charges.
Christian and Darlene are hammered and taking one tequila shot every 45 seconds. They're seriously taking tequila shots as often and with the same attitude as someone would take drags of a cigarette. Either they've only been drinking for 15 minutes, or they've gone through 8 gallons of tequila. Darlene starts crying because she feels ugly and she lost her legs to diabetes. That's a shitty reason to lose your legs. That would suck. It would also suck to be old and ugly, though. Christian is hammered, so they have sex. And we get to see Christian's ass! Alright! I kid, but seriously I think Christian has lost a little bit of weight since the beginning of the season, so that's positive.
Christian wakes up in the morning and sees Darlene and is like, "Fuck. Me." Darlene gets upset because she senses that he regrets fucking her. He's like, "No, not totally, it's just that " She asks him for surgery so she can be medium-attractive again. Also she is an alcoholic. What the hell is this? An alcoholic single mother who lost her legs to diabetes and just wants to feel beautiful again? This is not Oprah! Why hasn't anyone died yet?
Stiffler's mom is all fixed. She's practicing ballet because she got a gig on Ghost Whisperer as a Russian ballerina. Okay, that one suprises me. That's like the hippo ballerinas in Fantasia. Gary, Bob Levitz aka CAA guy's life partner, is there to talk to Sean about Bob. He thinks it's weird that Bob just left all of a sudden. Sean's like, "Yeah, my ex-wife just tried to kill herself all of a sudden. You think you know someone, but then maybe you don't." And Gary is like, "No, I knew Bob. I think maybe he was kidnapped or murdered." And Sean is like, "Yeah right. You read that email he sent." And Gary is like, "It was an email, dumbass. Anyone could have written that." And Sean is like, "No maybe? Nah!"
Sean is alone in his apartment on the phone about boring medicine stuff, and you're like, "What the hell is this scene for?" and then when he opens the closet door, Bob Levitz falls out, and you're like, "Oooooh." Sean now joins Gary in his suspicions of foul play.
CR apparently went to Tijuana, according to the po. They offer to keep a look out at the border. That should work well. Christian thinks H&S has been bad for Sean. Sean is like, "Besides Kate shitting in my hot tub, name one way it's been bad."
During Darlene's surgery, Christian apologizing for calling H&S a bad influence. They talk about what a clusterfuck everything is with Matt, and how you wish you could change some decisions you'd made, and how one small thing can dramatically change the course of your life, fuh fuh fuh. Chaos theory or whatever you intellectual types call it. Liz gives them a little speech about being good doctors and not worrying about being famous, and they're like, "Yeah, Liz, you're right!" Then Julia is awake! Oh no!
Eden finds out Julia is awake and is like, "Oh shit! Um . Cartman voice Mooooom?" I have to wonder, what if Eden had just straight missed Julia altogether? She'd be in so much trouble, I bet.
Stiffler's mom notes the millions of paparazzi and assumes they are there to witness her release from recovery, so she tells Sean to stay the fuck out of her way so the paparazzi can get clear shots of her. As it turns out, they are actually there to talk to Sean about CR being insane. This makes Sean annoyed.
Matt is at the hospital with Annie, and Julia OH FUCK YES she has amnesia! Her entire memory is gone possibly forever! Oh, friends in the audience, don't you feel even more stupid now? Of COURSE it's coma then amnesia! Have we never seen soap operas before? I feel so foolish.
Christian takes Annie to Johnny Rockets so Sean can stay with his amnesiac cunt wife. In a ballsy maneuver, he tells Julia that they are still married, that they have three beautiful children, that they're happy, and that everything is perfect. 0% of that is true. What a scoundrel that Sean is!
There are paparazzi all around Christian's car as he tries to drive to Johnny Rockets with Annie in the passenger seat. They surround him, but he eventually backs out and manages to drive around them. Just when it seems that they are safe from the paparazzi, a black van blindsides them. The whole scene is pretty quiet, with the crash coming suddenly at the end. It was like if Princess Diana's death were an Allstate commercial.
Emmy and Matt hang out before her flight. She jokes about being a yokel, and about taking Matt back with her to hickville. She is really sad, and I feel for her, but I mean, Matt is just so ugly. And her brother. He correctly tells her that now that her face is normal, plenty of guys will want to fuck her who aren't biological relatives of hers. His beard is so stupid, I can barely stand it. They are super duper in love, wah wah wah, he leaves. Ostensibly.
Christian is in the OR with his broken collar bone, and Sean's like, "Well, I guess we sure did learn our lesson! Hollywood is bad news bears!" and Christian is like, "Sure did. We're all equally responsible. No one is mad and we're all happy to be okay!" and Sean is like, "I called Freddy and told him I quit H&S. You were right, brother. It was bad for me. Do you mind if I'm alone to surgerize my daughter?" And Christian is like, "Sort of weird, but see you at home, lifelong friend!"
Sean sews up a gash in Annie's head, Liz goes out to get gauze, and he vows to his daughter's unconscious little face that he's never going to get caught up in the fame game again. They'll just move out to the Hollywood hills, and GET STABBED IN THE FUCKING BACK BY COLLEEN ROSE!
Yes, that is correct, Colleen Rose somehow got in and stabbed Sean like 10 times in the back with a large knife. I wish it was a bear knife. I wish I watched enough Knife Show to know what a bear knife looks like. I guess she must have done something to Liz, too, since she never came back with the gauze even though Sean was sort of yelling and dying and whatever.
The camera pans out with Sean lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Annie is next to him, higher up, on the operating table. She's bloody, too, but it's more controlled. Sean's quest for Fame got Annie and Christian hit by a car. It got Colleen Rose obsessed with him and led her to attemt the murders of three people. Sean didn't see it before. He couldn't see what his lust for Fame was doing to his life and to the lives of the people he loved. Sean's eyes are open now and blood is sputtering from his throat as we pull back from above. Then, the credits.
So, is Sean dead? I'd like to think of this entire season as his tragedy. If he's the tragic hero, all this time having been ignoring various warnings about Fame, then it makes sense that he'd die now. But what the hell will the show do without him? I don't know what will happen. But I'd be okay with him being dead, maybe. Then again, he was alive in the future episode, but I'm not sure if they're actually adhering to whatever was in that. We'll have to wait until next season to find out, I guess.
So that's it for now, I guess. I'll miss you guys. I've enjoyed our little weekly Nip/Tuck thing Between now and next season, I'll be writing a MA: American Idol, so if you're into that, maybe it will tide you over.
I really just can't wait to see whether or not Olivia grounded Eden for trying to kill her girlfriend. OH WAIT oh my God. What if Eden asked Olivia for help and Olivia acupunctured Julia into losing her memory?!??!? I'm pretty sure she was there when Sean and the kids got there. That would be super B.A. Eden would really be my hero then. Okay, talk amongst yourselves.