There's a big presidential election coming up in November, and chances are, you don't care.  But it's not your fault.  It's all so confusing!  Delgates, electorals, liberals, conservatives…what does it all mean?

Don't sweat it.  I've put together a little guide to help you better understand the crazy world of American politics.  Just a little information is all you need to make the primaries just as exciting as the Flavor of Love 3 finale!  Well…maybe almost as exciting.  But great fun nonetheless!

TODAY'S LESSON: REPUBLICANS

You've probably heard the terms conservative, "right wing", GOP, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  These are all terms used to describe the Republican Party.  The 'Pubs, as I like to call them, use a red, white and blue elephant with inverted stars on its back as their official mascot.  While many stories have originated over the years as to why the elephant was chosen, it is commonly believed that conservatives picked the elephant to represent them because it is the most racist of all the animals.  In addition, elephants love peanuts.  They love picking them up with their trunks and putting them into their huge mouths…have you ever seen an elephant eat?  It's awesome.

THE ISSUES

So what makes a Republican a Republican?  Use this guide to see if you fit the bill.  It's like taking an online survey, except there are no questions – and the answer lies in yourself.

  • Religion – The 'Pubs love God.  No, like…they LOVE God.  They'd marry God if they could.  Well, the women would.  Because Republicans don't approve of alternative lifestlyes.  And they HATE killing babies…that's a big one with them.  When you join the Republican Party, you are issued a tiny little headset (it's kind of like a Bluetooth) that gives you direct and constant contact with the Lord.  He tells you everything – what's right, what's wrong, and which times it's acceptable to be friends with people who aren't white.  While it may seem a bit hypocritcal to be so mean-spirited and have God on your side, don't be fooled.  God just makes them act that way to throw the rest of us off.
  • Immigration – Republicans want to build a giant electric fence, wider than any river and taller than any building, along all of the country's border.  And this doesn't just mean Mexico.  It means by Canada and both oceans.  Plus there will be a retractable dome/roof that unifies all the fences.  Current illegal aliens will be grouped into a giant wicker basket that will be tossed into the Pacific before the dome is sealed.  Now don't be confused – this doesn't mean that conservatives don't enjoy the services of their housekeepers.  They just want them to commute.
  • Homeland Security – Keeping in line with their doctrine of being extremely narrow-minded and evil, most Republicans are in favor of blowing up everything that isn't located in the greater 48 states.  Many Republicans don't really trust Alaska and Hawaii, and are trying to draft legislature to bring the US back to 48 states, like it was in the "good ol' days."  To further the security measures, there is talk of dividing the US into two halves – North and South.  Each section would have different rules regarding employment, economy, and democracy.
  • Miscellaneous – As a general rule, if you're on the "right", you don't believe in global warming (or facts…or science), you like money and look down on those without it, you're proud to be an American but most likely cannot explain any policy of any member of your party, and you like guns and war.  When people present contrary views, you will often speak louder and louder, accusing the other person of being a terrorist.  Again, it's important to note you also despise most minorities, gays, lesbians, artists, tennis pros, and people who disagree with you.  You DO like NASCAR, however.  And probably Carrie Underwood, but honestly, who doesn't.

CONCLUSION

Now that you understand what it is to be a Republican, you'll know if you are one.  You can also pick them out of a crowd.  For example, when your Dad says, "Just wait till those god damn Chinese come here and start blowing everything up," or your barber says, "those idiot liberals are trying to take more money away from me," or your friend says "God will rain hellfire upon those soulless heathens," you have successfully found a Republican.  Stay tuned next week when we examine the views of those patchouli smelling drug addicts, the Democrats!