Weekly Headlines

-Illusionist David Blaine announced today that for his next stunt he plans to kill himself and then rise again in an attempt to outdo his "magical mentor," Jesus Christ.

-Inspired by the Writer's Guild of America, 23 Temple Guards have walked off the set of Nickelodeon's "Legends of the Hidden Temple" in the last week, demanding more medallions. The strike has allowed masses of preteens to pass through Olmec's Temple unscathed, forcing Space Camps around the country into financial panic.

-Lindsay Lohan bares all in a reenactment of Marilyn Monroe's final photo shoot before her death. While Monroe declined to comment, sources close to the legendary glamour girl say she is "excited to meet Lindsay in about six weeks."

-Intergalactic success of the cinematic masterpiece "Cloverfield" has led to a martian attack on North Dakota at 9:38pm last night. "Cloverfield" producer, J.J. Abrams, says he is disappointed in the martians' actions: "they obliterated the entire state before I could get a key grip in there to film footage for my sequel." At a press conference this morning, he expressed his anger at the "inconsiderate" actions of the aliens, calling them "amateurish and unprofessional."

-Tragedy strikes as David Blaine shoots himself in the face and does not get up. Hours after the attempted stunt, his bloody body remains untouched as onlookers await "the prestige."

-Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick has written a tell-all screenplay from his Kansas prison cell, tentatively titled "Air Bud 13: Doomsday." Cuba Gooding Jr. is set to star in the film that Vick hopes "will teach kids about the dangers of dog fighting and give Cuba something to do with all his free time."

-Producers of the hit children's show "Yo Gabba Gabba" teach sexual awareness by casting a ribbed, one-eyed monster dildo (pictured above). Christian activists protest while proponents of affirmative action laud the bold casting choice.

-Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton has announced that if made the Democratic Presidential Nominee, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will be her running-mate. Schwarzenegger caught Clinton's eye after she saw his performance in the 1997 film Batman and Robin and felt a strong personal connection to his character, Mr. Freeze.

-Scholars at China's Peking University follow in the footsteps of New York and San Francisco by seeking out city planners for a new "China Town," tentatively located in Southern Beijing.

-A friend of Jamie Lynn Spears anonymously revealed this morning that the teen idol's pregnancy was "part of an attempt to become a legitimate actress" by securing the title role in Juno 2. When asked today about the scandal, legitimate actress and older sister Britney Spears said, "I am jusssshtt slo imnmpressed by." She has since been re-hospitalized.

-"Magician" Chris Angel has announced that he will sue the illusionist formally known as David Blaine after Blaine reincarnated himself this morning and adopted the name David Angel.

-"Yo Gabba Gabba" dildo-actor Latrell McTickler won the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award last night for "Best Character in a Children's Show." In an emotional acceptance speech, McTickler thanked his fans for being so warm and accepting: "Ten years ago an Irish jack-rabbit like myself would've never been cast. I'm just glad that today's youth can appreciate the value of a good old fashioned dildo." Wind-up McTickler toys will be featured in McDonald's Happy Meals starting next week.

-Child actress Dakota Fanning shocked her fans today by announcing that she has become pregnant with twins in an attempt to outdo Jamie Lynn Spears in the race for the female lead in Juno 2. Fanning stands behind her actions, saying: "I just want to prove that I am twice the actress that she is." Celebrity gossipers seem surprised by the actress's newfound dedication to her craft, which comes only weeks after Fanning dropped out of the film "Oops I did it again: A Britney Spears Story" because she didn't want to shave her head. However, fellow method actor Daniel Day-Lewis expressed his support for Fanning: "I realize the orb of struggle and solitude that she must grapple with, for I too was pregnant for six months in preparation for a community theatre role in Ireland before I abandoned my child…before I abandoned my boy."

-Mike Huckabee began his two-month tour of the eastern seaboard today on what he is calling his "Campaign Ark" which he has christened "The Jesus." Campaign analysts deem this move an attempt to boost his staggeringly low numbers among the seamen-loving community.