Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Interview of a Lifetime
February 26, 2008
We recently got a very interesting email here at CollegeHumor. We realized right away what kind of opportunity we had. I scrambled to write questions, questions I have been dying to ask. 24 hours later here I am. Posting an interview with I had with
When did you make the jump from one collared shirt to two, two to three, three to four? Was it a gradual process with steps? Or did 4 come out of nowhere?
Trust me, you don't want to make the jump straight to 4, it could kill you. It's a long and grueling process to get up to 4 shirts, and so far I'm the only one with enough coolness to get there.
How hard is the final shirt to put on? Do you need to buy your shirts in varying sizes?
They are all size small, to accentuate my already bulging muscles. In order to get the last one on, I had to have several women rub me down in corn oil. It took about 7 hours, plus 2 for the corn oil to dry.
How many collared shirts do you own?
Hmmm. How many different polo shirts has Abercrombie & Fitch made? Multiply that number by 4. That's your answer.
When rocking 4 collared shirts, what is the rest of your outfit like?
Well I don't wear any pants, but no one seems to notice.
What kind of attention does wearing 4 collared shirts get you? Do you enjoy the attention?
Not as much attention as going shirtless gets me.
Do you own shirts that are not collared?
Yea but I only use them as beat-off rags.
Is it true that the girl in the picture is actually your sister?
Yea but that didn't stop me from banging her. Next Question.
Would you ever consider wearing a dickie if it meant you could fit into more collared shirts?
Let me answer your question with a question. Would you ever consider using a condom that's cut in half before having sex? I know I wouldn't, my dicks too f*cking big.
Do you sleep in a collared shirt?
Are you asking if I sleep with girls in a collared shirt? Yes. They hold onto my collars as I take them on a ride to heaven.
Do you think there's someone out there who is a bigger douche bag than you are?
Yeah, anyone who doesn't masturbate to my picture.
Are you ready for 5 collars? Is the world?
C'mon Jake. Only an assh*le would wear 5 collars.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.